So What about Retrouvaille?

For those wondering if Retrouvaille will help, I'm adding my personal feelings about the program. Mrs. Ray and I attended a Retrouvaille retreat in January, 2007. Mrs. Ray did not really want to go, but we did go together.

One thing the Retrouvaille people stress is privacy. Your personal situation is never discussed. When you and your spouse are talking about "things", it will be just you two, in your private room. No personal information will be shared (OK, first names) during the program.
You and your spouse spend quite a bit of time in a large group, but not for discussing things, rather you hear several Retrouvaille veterans talk about their marriages. They will be frank and honest about their stories. There is no question/answer, but I bet you just might hear your situation played out. A Priest or Pastor also offers Biblical insights along with the presentations.
You and your spouse are given a private room. You both will be given notebooks and asked to write things in them. You will be shown how to put your thoughts together. Do not be afraid if you "can't write". If your marriage is important enough (as in "I'd give anything to have my spouse back by my side!") you can write things out. Your spouse is the only other person who will ever see what you write. Ever. Remember, privacy is important here.

There are other Retrouvaille people there, to keep things running. You probably will have little direct contact with them about your personal situation. At meals and breaks, though, they will join the couples and will be happy to chat about whatever. Also, if things get out of hand for any couple, a Retrouvaille participating couple will be there to help mediate things.

Well, who are these Retrouvaille people? They are fellow travelers, who have experienced serious problems in their marriages. They have learned ways to see through the troubles, to learn ways to truly communicate and to regain the love that they felt had disappeared. They are not counselors or marriage experts. Retrouvaille people have been where you are now, and have found a lifeline for marriage. They only want to help you rediscover the joy God has granted us in marriage.

As for Mrs. Ray and me, we completed the six Post Weekend sessions. (These are actually more important than the weekend! -> Commit to them!! <-) We used the writing techniques for about three months to help build our communication. Then it all petered out. But, I personally believe the experience was vital to our reconciliation. However, Mrs. Ray does not think so. I'd love to be active in the Retrouvaille community, but since Mrs. Ray is not interested, I can't.

Finally, what does this cost? There is a non-refundable registration fee (ours was $100). At the end, we were told how much the hotel and food cost for the weekend for one couple (Our weekend was $550), and given a white envelope. We were asked to go to our rooms, and return in half an hour with the envelope, and place it in a basket. There were no marks on any envelope to identify whose envelope it was. I'm sure some envelopes were empty, and some probably had much more than the $550 our weekend cost. The bottom line is, the local Retrouvaille community is so committed to saving marriages, they are more interested in helping you than in covering costs. Don't let money stop you from saving your marriage. Just go.

One Year Later

Our anniversary is on November 11. We took a weekend trip to see the fall foliage - something that you just don't get in California. Though there's still some rough spots (don we all have to deal with these?) it looks like we're going to make it. Many people have supported us, separately and together, and some, I'm sure, have prayed for us more or less anonymously, Thank you all.

Stress Test

Last year we had planned to move from Bakersfield to Arkansas. Mrs. Ray had never changed her plan, but of course if we were separated I would stay in California. Since getting back together, and recommitting ourselves to our relationship, Mrs Ray had located a house and we purchased it. (This included house financing in both our names together.)

In the weeks from July into August, we made our move. We did most of the work ourselves (and the help of many friends in both places). If you've ever made a major cross country move, you know the stress involved, On top of that, it was 102˚F the days we packed up in Bakersfield. I worked hard, but Mrs. Ray can't hold up in that heat. (Much earlier, we had had a Retrouvaille dialog about this, which helped me get a better understanding of Mrs. Ray's endurance in heat.) At one point I was worried I'd hear her say, "I can't continue in this relationship". But when Mrs. Ray said we really needed to talk one evening (our last night in Bakersfield, at a hotel), her words were "I really do want to make our marriage work". Yes, it was stressful to pack up and load our stuff in a short time. But inside I was so glad to hear Mrs. Ray say this. We talked through our issues, and went to sleep.

The next day was a series of late appointments before we headed east. But around 4 o'clock we finally got a start. Our drive turned into a nice road trip. And I feel we were able to find some of the old happiness we both felt as we did one of our favorite things we called "driving around aimlessly".

As I write this, our new home is packed full of boxes. We can barely move around, but we are both happy for the new place. The high point for me was last night, laying in bed, Mrs. Ray smiled at me and quietly said, "I love you".

Moving on, Moving out

Here's an update.
Mrs. Ray had to move to the midwest, as planned, about three weeks ago (Mid June), while I stayed here to finish some college courses. Using our Retrouvaille dialog time we found we both agreed the separation on good terms would help us out - we had the time to re-think our relationship, and build quite a desire to see each other again.

So far so good. This may or may not be practical for readers. but it seems to have some value. I will post the occasional update so you will see if it's worth it.

I plan to leave this blog available for all. Today an anonymous reader left a comment stating this blog has helped in rebuilding his (her?) marriage. That's why it's here in the first place.

For a more interactive source of help, offered by those who have also been through this particular wringer, go to Glass Gloves for a different blog, an open forum, and a Marriage Saving Guide Wiki.

God Bless.

Calling it Off ;-)

We were talking about the different way we pronounce certain words (I say "CARE-a-mel" she says "CAR-mel). I sent Mrs. Ray a link to the lyrics of "Let's call the Whole Thing Off" (The To-MAY-to/To-MAH-to song).

Here's her reply:

Subject: RE: Let's call the whole thing off
From: Mrs. Ray
Date: 5/21/2007 11:20 PM
To: Ray

I like this idea best:

So we better call the calling off off

BTW - in the middle of the song, the singer decides to give up his pajahmas and wear pajamas so they will not need to part.

How I did it.

Mrs. Ray and I are solidly on the way to rebuilding our marriage. We've been dialogging nearly every day. How did I manage to convince Mrs. Ray to get back together?

I didn't. I gave up. Read it: April 23 - "(No title. You've seen it before.)"

Since that time, all I did was hope. Mrs. Ray and I had very little contact between April 23 and May 5 ("Mrs. Ray's Thoughts:"). The occasional phone call or email about things, but no real attempt on getting back together. The one thing I did do was pray, and ask God to handle the situation.

So, there was nothing I did, after Mrs. Ray's Final Decision. But God was able to work on her heart and mind, to re-open a door she had closed. God has a definite opinion on divorce. I'm sure He is not interested in taking part in messing up something He created and gave to us.

We have sold the house (Mrs. Ray's already moved out you know), and I move out in the first week of June. Yes, then I'll move in with my wife (!!) until she takes off "back east". We agree that the following two months we will continue Retrouvaille dialog and continue to work on our relationship. The we should be back together, "Happily Ever After"

It's Over ... and Beginning Again

Friday we went to the counselor - both of us. Friday Mrs. Ray and I had dinner together, and ahem, breakfast on Saturday. In the last week, Mrs. Ray began working on her "best wish". We restarted daily Retrouvaille style dialog. We discussed the plans, scheduling and logistics of Mrs. Ray's moving to the Midwest in June, and I to follow at the end of July. (I'm taking classes till then.)

One of our dialog questions was:

As we rebuild our marriage, HDIF* about then being separated for two months?

Both of us wrote that it would be a good thing. We will continue dialog, learning more about each other in ways you just won't get any other way.

I think we're now on our way to Even Happier Ever After!

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Reflection
I have counted 15 individuals I have talked/emailed with. Some are friends I see daily, some I only know a name they use in emails. Two Retrouvaille contacts I "met" here on this blog have been very supportive. Thank you Pittsburgh and Savannah, Georgia: 8-o MWAH** Some of your advice was instrumental in keeping me on track. Working against a divorce does require lots of support from true friends of all kinds.

And I have one good friend I could not do without - my Lord in Heaven. I have focused on following His will. Sometimes, you may have noticed, I pretty much gave up. But God doesn't necessarily do that. He kept working when all I could do is just pass the days and wait for I don't know what. He has a definite opinion about divorce. No, not when Jesus says "except for unfaithfulness" in Matthew 5:32, but in the Old Testament. In Malachi 2:16 my translation goes something like this: "'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel. 'Any questions about that?'"

I have searched myself to find fault in my marriage and before the Lord. I have found some things, and I am working on them. Note I do not point fingers at Mrs. Ray here. The one person I have the best chance of getting fixed is me, so that's where I started.

In this blog, I have called regaining my marriage my Life's Great Work. I was mistaken. My marriage is my Life's Great work! So, my job is not done - I had been remiss for seven years. So actually, my big job is only beginning!

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* Secret Retrouvaille acronym known but to few. How Do You Feel about that?
* Not an acronym - the sound of a big kiss!