Sliding to Divorce

Well, maybe ....

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 00:44:00 +0000

Nearly two years later....

Mrs. Ray, her son, daughter-in-law ("June" here) and grandson and I were having dinner at a restauraunt that has peanuts out before the meal starts. The 5 year-old boy is making a mess (as most 5-year olds will) of peanut shells on the table. When the dinner comes, I pick up the can for empty shells (a small bucket) and offer it June to help clean up the mess before we eat. Things roll along fine, I feel.

BUT, as soon as Mrs. Ray and I are in the car, I get hit with "You insisted that June use the bucket to clean up the peanut shells. That made her mad enough to want to leave. We went to counselling to get you to stop making people do things. If you continue to insist on making other people do things your way, then I will go ahead and get a divorce."

As it is, I rarely start up any conversation with her family. I never make suggestions about nearly anything. I am so scared of having her jump down my throat again. I get bored when we all have dinner together. I still participate in conversation, but I do not want to say anything Mrs. Ray might think is offensive, so I mostly sit and listen.

This just happened, and other than an apology (not realy accepted by Mrs. Ray) we have not spoken the rest of the evening, even though it's just the two of us here now. I have written how Mrs. Ray does not really like to do the Retrouvaille thing. We'll just have to see how this all pans out.

So What about Retrouvaille?

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 02:28:00 +0000

For those wondering if Retrouvaille will help, I'm adding my personal feelings about the program. Mrs. Ray and I attended a Retrouvaille retreat in January, 2007. Mrs. Ray did not really want to go, but we did go together.

One thing the Retrouvaille people stress is privacy. Your personal situation is never discussed. When you and your spouse are talking about "things", it will be just you two, in your private room. No personal information will be shared (OK, first names) during the program.

You and your spouse spend quite a bit of time in a large group, but not for discussing things, rather you hear several Retrouvaille veterans talk about their marriages. They will be frank and honest about their stories. They will describe the infidelity or whatever it was that pulled them apart. They will tell about how they did get back together. There is no question/answer, but I bet you just might hear your situation played out. A Priest or Pastor also offers Biblical insights along with the presentations.

{Added 2/28/09 - Yes, I still keep this up!}

I re-read this comment about "our": presenters. It's from the entry "Coasting"

I am still amazed at the Retrouvaille presenters. They feel so strongly about what they're doing, they will stop their presentation, look at the group, and say "If you have any question or problem, call us! Do not hesitate! We are serious about this!" Some of the couples have traveled three hours (through Los Angeles) to come give a talk.

{End of Additon}

You and your spouse are given a private room. You both will be given notebooks and asked to write things in them. You will be shown how to put your thoughts together. Do not be afraid if you "can't write". If your marriage is important enough (as in "I'd give anything to have my spouse back again!") you can write things out. Your spouse is the only other person who will ever see what you write. Ever. Remember, privacy is important here.

There are other Retrouvaille people there, to keep things running. You probably will have little direct contact with them about your personal situation. At meals and breaks, though, they will join the couples and will be happy to chat about whatever. Also, if things get out of hand for any couple, a Retrouvaille participating couple will be there to help mediate things.

Well, who are these Retrouvaille people? They are fellow travelers, who have experienced serious problems in their marriages. They have learned ways to see through the troubles, to learn ways to truly communicate and to regain the love that they felt had disappeared. They are not counselors or marriage experts. Retrouvaille people have been where you are now, and have found a lifeline for marriage. They only want to help you rediscover the joy God has granted us in marriage.

As for Mrs. Ray and me, we completed the six Post Weekend sessions. (These are actually more important than the weekend! -> Commit to them!! <-) We used the writing techniques for about three months to help build our communication. Then it all petered out. But, I personally believe the experience was vital to our reconciliation. However, Mrs. Ray does not think so. I'd love to be active in the Retrouvaille community, but since Mrs. Ray is not interested, I can't.

Finally, what does this cost? There is a non-refundable registration fee (ours was $100). At the end, we were told how much the hotel and food cost for the weekend for one couple (Our weekend was $550), and given a white envelope. We were asked to go to our rooms, and return in half an hour with the envelope, and place it in a basket. There were no marks on any envelope to identify whose envelope it was. I'm sure some envelopes were empty, and some probably had much more than the $550 our weekend cost. The bottom line is, the local Retrouvaille community is so committed to saving marriages, they are more interested in helping you than in covering costs. Don't let money stop you from saving your marriage. Just go.

Update (7/28/08) Here is a link to another Retrouvaille story: "Miracle of Retrouvaille". See how powerful the Retrouvaille system can be.

One Year Later

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 01:36:00 +0000

Our anniversary is on November 11. We took a weekend trip to see the fall foliage - something that you just don't get in California. Though there's still some rough spots (don we all have to deal with these?) it looks like we're going to make it. Many people have supported us, separately and together, and some, I'm sure, have prayed for us more or less anonymously, Thank you all.

Stress Test

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Sun, 12 Aug 2007 09:41:00 +0000

Last year we had planned to move from Bakersfield to Arkansas. Mrs. Ray had never changed her plan, but of course if we were separated I would stay in California. Since getting back together, and recommitting ourselves to our relationship, Mrs Ray had located a house and we purchased it. (This included house financing in both our names together.)

In the weeks from July into August, we made our move. We did most of the work ourselves (and the help of many friends in both places). If you've ever made a major cross country move, you know the stress involved, On top of that, it was 102˚F the days we packed up in Bakersfield. I worked hard, but Mrs. Ray can't hold up in that heat. (Much earlier, we had had a Retrouvaille dialog about this, which helped me get a better understanding of Mrs. Ray's endurance in heat.) At one point I was worried I'd hear her say, "I can't continue in this relationship". But when Mrs. Ray said we really needed to talk one evening (our last night in Bakersfield, at a hotel), her words were "I really do want to make our marriage work". Yes, it was stressful to pack up and load our stuff in a short time. But inside I was so glad to hear Mrs. Ray say this. We talked through our issues, and went to sleep.

The next day was a series of late appointments before we headed east. But around 4 o'clock we finally got a start. Our drive turned into a nice road trip. And I feel we were able to find some of the old happiness we both felt as we did one of our favorite things we called "driving around aimlessly".

As I write this, our new home is packed full of boxes. We can barely move around, but we are both happy for the new place. The high point for me was last night, laying in bed, Mrs. Ray smiled at me and quietly said, "I love you".

Moving on, Moving out

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 16:12:00 +0000

Here's an update.
Mrs. Ray had to move to the midwest, as planned, about three weeks ago (Mid June), while I stayed here to finish some college courses. Using our Retrouvaille dialog time we found we both agreed the separation on good terms would help us out - we had the time to re-think our relationship, and build quite a desire to see each other again.

So far so good. This may or may not be practical for readers. but it seems to have some value. I will post the occasional update so you will see if it's worth it.

I plan to leave this blog available for all. Today an anonymous reader left a comment stating this blog has helped in rebuilding his (her?) marriage. That's why it's here in the first place.

For a more interactive source of help, offered by those who have also been through this particular wringer, go to Glass Gloves for a different blog, an open forum, and a Marriage Saving Guide Wiki.

God Bless.

Calling it Off ;-)

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Tue, 22 May 2007 11:47:00 +0000

We were talking about the different way we pronounce certain words (I say "CARE-a-mel" she says "CAR-mel). I sent Mrs. Ray a link to the lyrics of "Let's call the Whole Thing Off" (The To-MAY-to/To-MAH-to song).

Here's her reply:

Subject: RE: Let's call the whole thing off
From: Mrs. Ray
Date: 5/21/2007 11:20 PM
To: Ray

I like this idea best:

So we better call the calling off off

BTW - in the middle of the song, the singer decides to give up his pajahmas and wear pajamas so they will not need to part.

How I did it.

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Fri, 18 May 2007 11:24:00 +0000

Mrs. Ray and I are solidly on the way to rebuilding our marriage. We've been dialogging nearly every day. How did I manage to convince Mrs. Ray to get back together?

I didn't. I gave up. Read it: April 23 - "(No title. You've seen it before.)"

Since that time, all I did was hope. Mrs. Ray and I had very little contact between April 23 and May 5 ("Mrs. Ray's Thoughts:"). The occasional phone call or email about things, but no real attempt on getting back together. The one thing I did do was pray, and ask God to handle the situation.

So, there was nothing I did, after Mrs. Ray's Final Decision. But God was able to work on her heart and mind, to re-open a door she had closed. God has a definite opinion on divorce. I'm sure He is not interested in taking part in messing up something He created and gave to us.

We have sold the house (Mrs. Ray's already moved out you know), and I move out in the first week of June. Yes, then I'll move in with my wife (!!) until she takes off "back east". We agree that the following two months we will continue Retrouvaille dialog and continue to work on our relationship. The we should be back together, "Happily Ever After"

It's Over ... and Beginning Again

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Sun, 13 May 2007 04:28:00 +0000

Friday we went to the counselor - both of us. Friday Mrs. Ray and I had dinner together, and ahem, breakfast on Saturday. In the last week, Mrs. Ray began working on her "best wish". We restarted daily Retrouvaille style dialog. We discussed the plans, scheduling and logistics of Mrs. Ray's moving to the Midwest in June, and I to follow at the end of July. (I'm taking classes till then.)

One of our dialog questions was:

As we rebuild our marriage, HDIF* about then being separated for two months?

Both of us wrote that it would be a good thing. We will continue dialog, learning more about each other in ways you just won't get any other way.

I think we're now on our way to Even Happier Ever After!

Reflection
I have counted 15 individuals I have talked/emailed with. Some are friends I see daily, some I only know a name they use in emails. Two Retrouvaille contacts I "met" here on this blog have been very supportive. Thank you Pittsburgh and Savannah, Georgia: 8-o MWAH** Some of your advice was instrumental in keeping me on track. Working against a divorce does require lots of support from true friends of all kinds.

And I have one good friend I could not do without - my Lord in Heaven. I have focused on following His will. Sometimes, you may have noticed, I pretty much gave up. But God doesn't necessarily do that. He kept working when all I could do is just pass the days and wait for I don't know what. He has a definite opinion about divorce. No, not when Jesus says "except for unfaithfulness" in Matthew 5:32, but in the Old Testament. In Malachi 2:16 my translation goes something like this: "'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel. 'Any questions about that?'"

I have searched myself to find fault in my marriage and before the Lord. I have found some things, and I am working on them. Note I do not point fingers at Mrs. Ray here. The one person I have the best chance of getting fixed is me, so that's where I started.

In this blog, I have called regaining my marriage my Life's Great Work. I was mistaken. My marriage is my Life's Great work! So, my job is not done - I had been remiss for seven years. So actually, my big job is only beginning!

* Secret Retrouvaille acronym known but to few. How Do You Feel about that?
* Not an acronym - the sound of a big kiss!

Added August 4, 2008:
I finally cannot resist adding this. This is the point in the story that I really knew we were back together: We had a house to sell, since November, 2006. But I do believe that God would not allow our house to sell until our marriage situation was decided - one way or the other.

Well, Mrs. Ray and I were talking into the night Friday, and by 10:00pm we had decided to make another "go" of it. Well, just after 10, the phone rang. The Broker had an offer for us!! He had called at 10 pm!! Late at night!! He didn't wait till morning, the broker called just after Mrs. Ray and I had come to an important decision! (He didn't know that.)
There were quite a few things Mrs Ray and I had to work out, yet, but that phone call was the Moment I knew my prayers were answered.

Mrs. Ray's "best wish"

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Tue, 08 May 2007 04:34:00 +0000

Mrs. Ray had been really sick over the weekend - stayed home from work Monday. So she just stayed home, trying to get better. Tonight she called to ask about my thoughts about her last email (See "Mrs Ray's Thoughts"). I said it's much better in person, so she agreed that I come over to talk. (Oh, and to watch the finale of Amazing Race!)

Results of the talk: Mrs. Ray true "best wish" is to be married to me. But she is still frightened to be "stuck" with a controlling husband. I pointed out that controlling her is the last thing I'd ever want to do, and the counselor was working with me on this. I asked her to let me know immediately when she has these feelings.

We agreed to work seriously on reconciliation, including starting Retrouvaille daily dialogs again to keep communication open. I asked her to really commit, to not just bolt for the door when she has bad feelings, and rather to "stop everything" and find out what's going on.

I think we're finally around the last turn. I pray daily for our marriage as I put my wedding ring on my finger in the morning. I pray daily for our marriage before I go to sleep at night. We have a lot of "stuff" to work through, but I believe it can be done.

Mrs. Ray's Thoughts:

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Sat, 05 May 2007 12:18:00 +0000

I have stated here that I actually have given up hoping Mrs. Ray would "come around", though that is still my dream. Even after a few times recently that she has said "I've made my decision."
Late last (Friday) night, Mrs. Ray sent me a message. I'm quoting the whole thing here. I'm glad God hears prayer and does not give up like us puny humans tend to do.

Subject: Sorry
From: Mrs. Ray
Date: Fri, 4 May 2007 22:46:51 -0700
To: Ray
I’m about to go to bed and I thought I’d write you a note. I’m sorry that I am not feeling well and that we couldn’t get together tonight. How did your session go? Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow or Sunday and we can get together to do something fun and just talk, too. I want to come see the dogs, too, because I really miss them.
I know the last few months have been difficult, and I am sorry that I have been unable to wholeheartedly return to you. I still don’t know if it will work, but I am willing to talk a little more about it and spend a little time. It would be my “best wish” for things to be good enough for me to feel good about remaining married. I just have to be sure, and right now I am not sure.

I do appreciate that you have hung in there, prayed, gone to counseling, and tried to “fix” things. I’m just sorry that things couldn’t have gotten better months ago, so we wouldn’t be up against this time pressure. It sure doesn’t help the situation for either of us.

I will talk to you tomorrow.

Mrs. Ray

Bête noire *

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Tue, 01 May 2007 01:25:00 +0000

Sunday Mrs. Ray came over for dinner, talk, and, of course, Amazing Race.

We shared some parts of Boundaries for Marriage. My main point was the realization I described in "Redefining the Situation", that the issues I saw about control led directly from expectations to boundaries.

Now there are two problems I need to deal with: 1) Why did it take so long? (six months or more) and 2) - the real bête noire - How will Mrs. Ray know now that I understand and will work to make changes permanent? It wouldn't be so bad if she was sticking around here, but Mrs. Ray does have solid plans to move to the Midwest in June. (My plans would be to stay here through summer school, them move to be with her.) How could she manage to live with me (as her husband) if shes not sure if I'll return to the "old" me?

I have about 1 month to work out this issue. I will take this up with the counselor Friday. At the moment Mrs. Ray is not interested in Retrouvaille style dialog. But I believe it will be beneficial down the road. Any suggestions will be welcome, either by comment here, or email to my contact.

* bête noire: something that makes life miserable. French for "black beast".

What's Next?

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 15:32:00 +0000

As I write this, I have no hope that Mrs. Ray will think about getting back together with me. BUT, I do believe my marriage is valuable enough to keep working at it. I have hope in God, Who gave us both this marriage, and has definitely blessed us through it.

Some have told me I have way lots of patience. I don't know. I place this conviction with LOVE. My love for Mrs. Ray has not given out, though Hope has. But both of us (and you) were created by a God who loves and cares for us enough to have seen His Son sacrificed that we may enjoy His company.

Jesus said that even the most worldly father would give their son a fish when he asked for it (instead of a snake). So how much more will God care for His children? This is my belief, my hope and my prayer.

Oh, yes. The final (I think) episode of Amazing Race is Sunday night. Mrs. Ray already invited herself over for talking & to watch the Race. Maybe there always is hope of some kind!

Redefining the Situation

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 05:46:00 +0000

Start Here:
For the most part, I have stayed away from the actual issues involved. But today with the counselor (and Mrs. Ray in attendance) I discovered my "so-called control issues" might be better defined as my expectations: I might expect Mrs. Ray to act a certain way or do a particular thing. And if she doesn't, well I could possibly get upset, or worse.

Stepping Stone:
From Mrs. Ray's point of view, I am working to control her actions and attitudes, since I get upset if things don't go the way I expect/want them to. But from my POV, I was just hoping Mrs. Ray could sit on the couch next to me for a bit longer, for example.

Stepping Stone:
This is "my POV"/"her POV" simply points me back into a book Mrs. Ray and I began (oh so long ago) to discuss together: Cloud & Townsend's Boundaries in Marriage. Yes, these control issues are really boundaries.

End Here:
Don't you just hate it when your 4" thick skull is just too hard to get through without trauma like this?

Now, How do I rearrange my thinking, and work to show Mrs. Ray I now understand better the things she's been harping on for over a year. (Not to mean "harping" in a bad way, but before, that's how I felt. Now I know better.)

Tick. Tick. Tick.

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 02:26:00 +0000

Waiting. Mrs. Ray emailed me. She wants to see the counselor with me on Friday.

(No title. You've seen it before.)

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 05:08:00 +0000

In a long answer to an email I sent Mrs. Ray this morning, she closes with this comment:

I wish you no harm: I just cannot stay married to you. It is simply too emotionally draining and frustrating.

Yes, there's lots more, and I don't want to bring all these details out here. But, needless to say, I feel sad.

I wish I could end it here. I can't. Something within me tells me to continue working and praying. I really feel I have no hope. But I have faith in what God can do, and and love for Mrs. Ray.

It is a weird feeling. I love her, but I also see no hope.

I made promises before God to Mrs. Ray. I do consider them some of the most important promises anyone can make. It won't be easy for me to withdraw these promises, even though Mrs. Ray seems to have done so.

Wicked Day

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 05:38:00 +0000

Mrs. Ray had bought tickets for Wicked the Musical in LA. That's a two hour drive down & two back. Good play!

When we got back in town, Mrs. Ray asked me to just drop her off - she couldn't invite me in, as she's got school work yet. I was looking forward to a few minutes stretching my legs & a quiet moment or two with her. That was not to be. In frustration, I barely said goodbye, and spun the tires leaving the parking lot.

Mrs. Ray took that as 1) childish behavior on my part and 2) punishment for her because I did not get my way (whatever that might be). No, this isn't the first time such a simple, small event got blown up like this. But it fits the pattern.

She called later to explain this to me. Well, I did go over to her apartment, as I felt these things should be discussed face to face. The upshot is Mrs. Ray cannot take my behavior like this any more. Although Saturday she said she'd extend her deadline (or whatever you call it) to next Friday when I meet again with the counselor, she dropped that to say that our marriage was certainly over.

I know, I've heard that before. But each time I MUST take it as gospel truth. So, once again, I post my going-out-of-business note and thank all my readers. Cynical? Sarcastic? Yes. Truthful? yes, I need to believe her.

I gave up hope on my own a week or so ago. I only pray for God to take Action to heal an otherwise Heaven-sent marriage. There is nothing more I'm able to do.

Mrs. Ray reveals that she sees counseling has not worked. She never did like the Retrouvaille program I insisted on attending. I have not changed.

I don't know what to do. I pray a lot, as always. I need God to reach out and touch and heal both of us and our marriage. However if Mrs. Ray chooses NOT to love or participate in this marriage, all is lost.

Mystery Date?

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Sat, 21 Apr 2007 18:35:00 +0000

OK, Mr. Ray, let me get this straight: your wife wants a divorce. In fact, she's served you the papers and has said several times, even up to yesterday "I've made my decision". Right?
Yeah.
And then today (Saturday) your beloved calls you and says "Without asking too many questions, are you available tomorrow from, say mid-morning to mid-afternoon?" This woman who wants to, in fact has already, moved out on you?
Yeah. She called me and asked me that.
Do you think she's setting you up and have somebody jump you?
No. She was nice on the phone, but that don't mean nothin'!
OK, Einstein, and you didn't ask any questions at all?
I did ask one: "That means I won't be going to church?"
Well, duhh! You Baptists always go from 11:00 to 12:00 sharp! I know that! And so if you went with your sweetie, you'd be blowing off church!
I guess so. But I'm always praying to God to help me get Mrs. Ray back by my side. And if this does it, great. Besides, haven't you missed church for say, football?
Superbowl is different. Besides, I'm the one asking the questions. Back to the matter at hand. So you agreed to go with the Missus to do whatever she says? Are you nuts?
I'll get back to you on this. Tomorrow. Promise!

Aaaarrghhh! (In a good way)

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Sat, 21 Apr 2007 04:30:00 +0000

At the counselor, we all went over some of Mrs. Ray's issues with me. The reason for this meeting was to focus on my control and trust issues that Mrs. Ray has with me. Counselor worked with both of us - some choice words for Mrs. Ray, and many more choice words for me. I agreed to a meeting next week, but Mrs. Ray won't be able to make it. (And I'm the guest of honor, anyway.)

Mrs. Ray has not changed her mind, after all. Still moving toward the divorce. At the parking lot, we go our separate ways.

Not long after I get home, Mrs. Ray called. (Here's the "Aarrgh" part) Dear Reader, I need to cut to the chase, here, and skip words I should write. (It's late, and I've forgotten most of these words, anyway.) I get the distinct impression that Mrs. Ray really wants to get back together, but, and that's a big but, she has run out of patience with my trying to "fix" myself. I think there's life in this marriage, yet, but I must treat it with great care, or it will just snuff out.

For six months I've been trying to make the needed changes (not to worry, they're all to the good), but in this town, most counselors and such are so booked, we can only meet every three weeks or so. And many counselors don't even return calls when I'm working down the insurance list!

I've said I've given up hope myself, in my efforts to rebuild our marriage. But I have never given up hope in God. More than daily I ask Him to help out. One friend said, now that I've given up, God can step in and do His work. Maybe so.

Going through the motions

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 12:39:00 +0000

Today Mrs. Ray and I have a meeting with the counselor (The one who told me what my options were). My hope in our marriage is gone. Mrs. Ray and I have not communicated since Sunday. I have prayed every day and night that God might oblige us with His grace, and touch us to heal our marriage. At this moment I do feel it's all gone/over with. But that's because I'm in a vacuum in knowing how Mrs. Ray feels. I'll know more this afternoon, but it will be a long day.

Faint Optimism

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 06:20:00 +0000

In spite of recent (hopeful?) conversations, I'm not initiating any contact. And, Mrs. Ray visited the Paralegal today to check on our property separation agreement. True, time's ticking along. (Mrs. Ray is definitely moving in two months.) Although I continue to wear our ring, what hope I have left is only in God. I know the Miracle Window opened a bit last weekend, but I need patience. Being hopeless has given me patience in this.

And Friday (three days away) we meet once more with the counselor.

Amazing (Race)

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 04:40:00 +0000

Mrs. Ray opened the door and walked in. (no phone call, or any other advance warning - just walked in. "It's my house, too!")
Since I had not added further comments to last night's conversation, she wanted to hear more from me about the issues. So we talked more. I swear she was skirting around the words "another chance" without saying as much. But why would she want to hear more of my response to Saturday night's talk on issues??
Because God answers prayer. Miracles do happen. Mrs. Ray had agreed last night to see the counselor (the one who "messed up" - she likes the way he got after me!) to focus on my personal issues.
She's worried that I'm doing all this "work" to keep our marriage together, but if we do get back together, wouldn't one of us still be unhappy? My reply was that for my part, I've seriously considered her personality and style. I cannot fault her. I would not be unhappy continuing with Mrs. Ray as my wife. The Retrouvaille method of communication will be a powerful tool. I hope she will also see the value of associating with other couples who have been through this ringer.
Hope? No, my hope is used up. Some is filling my soul again, but my hope is constantly in my Heavenly Father, who gave Mrs. Ray and me our marriage in the first place six and a half years ago.
We watched Amazing Race and had ice cream.

Stirrings?

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 05:50:00 +0000

Today was the last Retrouvaille post session. Two couples who knew my situation urged me to go any way, even though I'd be single in a group of couples. Glad I did.

The session lasted from 1pm to 6pm, and being the final session, segued into the regular CORE meeting. That went till 9pm - a total of 8 Retro hours. Mrs. Ray called my cell phone late this evening. (On vibrate so to not interrupt the meeting.)

I called her around 9:30, she wanted to talk "face to face". I prayed all the way to her apartment, that God would give me any words that need to be said, that I will stay out of it. It had been raining, and Mrs. Ray thought I was on my motorcycle (Rain + Bike = on-the-side-of-the-road-in-a-ditch).

We sat on her couch. The first thing she said was that she was worried, since I had not returned her call. (Mrs. Ray didn't know about the extended day at Retrouvaille.) Becoming a bit emotional, she said she was worried and that part of her missed me. This part, I pray to God, might be cultivated back into a real marriage relationship. That's why I'm still afraid to talk directly to Mrs. Ray - I'd rather let God do that. I don't want to mess it up.

Mrs. Ray wanted to talk about some of the reasons she's leaving me. (Not to be aired here.) I believe even though she says it's for my own good, there's still part of her reaching out to me.

This is my prayer: Please God, as the Designer of Marriage, that you have granted in your grace to Mrs. Ray and me, I ask, as one of your children, that the small desire Mrs. Ray has for me be cultivated back, to heal our marriage, and that we again might enjoy the promises and joy found in a good marriage.

Yes, I do pray more than this, but hey, I don't want to type the whole thing out. I'm not that fast.

Keeping on Keeping On

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 15:29:00 +0000

"Anonymous" posted a sweet comment for "Shutting It Down" that I'd like to reply here.

Sometimes you have to know when to quit. I judge you have done all you can. I strongly believe in the power of hope and possibility, but maybe now it's time for you to concentrate on Mr. Ray.

My personal hope is used up. My love for Mrs. Ray continues. My hope in God and what He can do is constant. I have no reason to give up on God. When my wife (before Mrs. Ray) died of cancer in 2000, I wondered why God would permit Ann would be taken away. I still don't know. But God did fill an empty space in my heart with Mrs. Ray. I bring this up here to say that I continue with Faith in God, who watches over even the lilies of the field (that are simply thrown into the fire when the season's over) and will care for me (and all people) ever so much better.

Give up? I wrote an article on personal limits called "What's Your Summit?". My goal has not been met. But I've decided to give up for my own well being, and to avoid getting pathetic. But I've asked God to step in now, and work in both our lives - hopefully to bring us together.

Thank you, Anonymous, for your support and prayer. I do know God is in and around this situation, as He is in any marriage. I just wish our rebuilding efforts would have been successful. Today is the day for the last Retrouvaille Post session. The only one we will have missed. I sure hope we will have the opportunity to make it up! :-)

Shutting it down

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 00:37:00 +0000

The counselor who messed it up last week contacted Mrs. Ray to see what he could do. (I missed his call, but he did leave a voice message.)

Mrs. Ray is set - she has made her decision. I have been in similar situations, and know what I must do emotionally. I don't really want to give up, but I feel there is small chance of any life in our marriage. Yes, I have bitterness, but it is not in me to dwell there or cultivate it.

Mrs. Ray has already (around Christmas) filed the divorce papers, and here in California, I have almost no recourse to fight it. I expect the final papers and stuff any time.

My feeling is now I must cut off as much contact as I can, and seal Mrs. Ray's part of my heart with thick scar tissue. This will hurt. I am sorry she has given up. I have ideas of what's behind it (don't we all really want to fix blame?) but I won't be airing it here.

For the last time, I guess, thank you readers for following my story, for praying, and for those comments you have offered.

I do believe the Retrouvaille system is powerful. Should I later find new love (I expect and want to) I want to try using the dialog from the get-go as a way to avoid what happened to Mrs. Ray and me.

I have no plans to close this blog down. It is dedicated to my marriage to Mrs. Ray, so the only things I can add will be from the relationship I have with her. My God has done greater things than revive dead marriages, and my prayer is still that Mrs. Ray and I can find our first love again. I have found the most significant readers here are from the Retrouvaille community. So, any new entries will certainly include that word.

Love, Ray

Winding it up

noreply@blogger.com (Ray.Blog) — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 00:14:00 +0000

Since Tuesday, Mrs. Ray has told me twice and specifically that she has made her decision (and it does not include me). Today in church, speaking of God's power over death, Pastor Jim described Ezekiel's experience in the Valley of Dry Bones. Calling Ezekiel to prophesy, the dead bones first became covered with flesh, then rose up alive. God showed Ezekiel that lack of hope is not a factor in God's plans.

Well, that's where I'm at. My marriage to Mrs. Ray is in this valley. There's nothing more I am able to do, though I will be speaking with my Wife tomorrow (Monday).