Sliding to Divorce

3,524 days

2010-07-06T19:34:00.000-05:00

November 11, 2000 to July 6, 2010
9 years, 7 months, 25 days.
Kathy's (Mrs. Ray) divorce is declared by the court.

THE END

What Universe am I in?

2010-07-05T22:07:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Ray has a suggestion for me: Move to be near my son & daughter-in_law & granddaughter. My first wife (His Mom) is there. Mrs. Ray's reasoning? Well, maybe old sparks can re-kindle with Mrs Ray #1! I wanted to be polite and not tell her how idiotic that was.

Turning Point - Not!

2010-07-03T22:37:00.000-05:00

The turning point issues are somewhat still going on. Her car is still in the shop, three weeks later.

For financial reasons, (I'm "between jobs" for one of the few times in my life) I live at home, with my soon to be ex-wife - separate bedrooms. I really refuse to move until I have a new job because It's not my idea to split up. If Mrs. Ray wants a divorce, she's got to be the one who leaves. Or at least until I find a new job, anywhere.

Anyway, it makes my personal feelings hellish, since Mrs Ray does not consider herself married any more, but we're sharing facilities. I do not want to speak up on any issues, because living like this would be even harder if she wanted to argue. I will be out of here like a bullet when I have a job. Readers, not to worry, I am filling out applications all over the state. I don't stay home watching Price Is Right during the day.

Though I'm talking about jobs right now, this blog is about my wilting marriage. But two major stressors are working together: Divorce and Unemployment (and money), to really push me into a pit of despair. I have given up on the former (though I still pray for God's hand to fix it!) and I'm close to giving up on the latter, which is something I have never experienced before.

Turning Point II?

2010-06-16T16:56:00.000-05:00

On December 16, 2007, I posted an entry called "Turning Point", wherein Mrs. Ray had all kinds of trouble being locked out of her apartment and things. [Increase spooky factor x5: Today is JUNE 16, exactly 3½ years later!] Well, yesterday she made a two hour trip to buy tires; they were out of stock so she had to drive two hours back home. By the time she had gotten home, the clutch in her car went out. I can get the parts tomorrow to repair it. Finally, Mrs. Ray went out to bush-hog our pasture (about 12 acres) and the hydraulic pump literally blew out on the tractor.
So, she wrote a post on Facebook stating all this, then she asks "Is God trying to tell me to stay away from machinery?" God isn't "trying" to tell anyone anything. But my heart breaks that I can't tell Mrs. Ray what I think is going on! Also, Mrs. Ray is nearly broke - payday is Friday. But she is out of cash and her cards are just about maxed. I have a bit more than that, so I "paid" her $50 for groceries. I don't think she gets how much I still care for her. I just wish I could explain all this.
These few days are very interesting and emotionally trying.

Signing my life away

2010-05-24T22:38:00.000-05:00

Today I signed the "Non-Contested" papers. What else is there to say? I would like to continue to love Mrs. Ray, but at this time it looks like the end of that road.

That's 3,481 days. Mostly good days. No more.

9mm or .38? What's Your Pleasure?

2010-05-22T07:00:00.000-05:00

We are discussing our personal property - who gets what. I'm about as excited to do this as I would be discussing which pistol I can use to shoot myself. With Mrs. Ray I am not a good negotiator. She wants me to take care of things I believe should be "hers", but I have a hard time dealing with. Not the usual stuff: how about a prefab fireplace she wanted, we bought but never installed (still in the box). $900 that I have tried to sell, but we still have. If I'm supposed to move, what do I do with this?

Who's Leaving?

2010-05-15T05:45:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Ray has begun to insist that I leave town after the divorce is final. "This is a small town!"
Tell me something I don't know! And, when we are separate individuals again, I don't think I will need to even discuss my new address. From Day One, I have considered our divorce to be 100% Mrs. Ray's responsibility. Yes, I helped her move out, I helped her in may ways before, but then my overall goal was to keep on good terms, and keep honest communication open. (That part worked!)
I am really, deeply interested, even now, in maintaining and patching up our marriage, but I don't have that much energy left. I pray every day for God's intervention, but that's all I have left - prayer, hope and faith.

Not Maybe, but Certainly

2010-05-02T15:15:00.000-05:00

I was away for a weekend of training, came home this afternoon. Mrs. Ray asked me to sit down so We Could Talk. She said she would be seeking a divorce now. This time around, I have nothing I can say. No new developments in our relationship, but she's not happy with it.

I guess happiness for her is with her children & grandchildren. No, I don't guess. For years, reading her Facebook pages and other things, even working with the Retrouvaille program, I still felt No. 2.

The there is no "fight" for this in me any more. I do wish she wouldn't follow this path, but I have no way, and won't stop her this time. As a record, I may add entries, but just as a chronicle as my marriage finally dissolves.

Well, maybe ....

2009-07-11T19:44:00.001-05:00

Nearly two years later....

Mrs. Ray, her son, daughter-in-law ("June" here) and grandson and I were having dinner at a restaurant that has peanuts out before the meal starts. The 5 year-old boy is making a mess (as most 5-year olds will) of peanut shells on the table. When the dinner comes, I pick up the can for empty shells (a small bucket) and offer it June to help clean up the mess before we eat. Things roll along fine, I feel.
BUT, as soon as Mrs. Ray and I are in the car, I get hit with "You insisted that June use the bucket to clean up the peanut shells. That made her mad enough to want to leave. We went to counseling to get you to stop making people do things. If you continue to insist on making other people do things your way, then I will go ahead and get a divorce."
As it is, I rarely start up any conversation with her family. I never make suggestions about nearly anything. I am so scared of having her jump down my throat again. I get bored when we all have dinner together. I still participate in conversation, but I do not want to say anything Mrs. Ray might think is offensive, so I mostly sit and listen.
This just happened, and other than an apology (not really accepted by Mrs. Ray) we have not spoken the rest of the evening, even though it's just the two of us here now. I have written how Mrs. Ray does not really like to do the Retrouvaille thing. We'll just have to see how this all pans out.
UPDATE July 18: June, Mrs. Ray and I were all together finally. I immediately and profusely apologized to June for forcing her to use the bucket at the restaurant. Mrs. Ray smiled to see that I was doing the right thing. June was mystified that I was apologizing for such a matter.

So What about Retrouvaille?

2008-02-27T20:28:00.001-06:00

For those wondering if Retrouvaille will help, I'm adding my personal feelings about the program. Mrs. Ray and I attended a Retrouvaille retreat in January, 2007. Mrs. Ray did not really want to go, but we did go together.

One thing the Retrouvaille people stress is privacy. Your personal situation is never discussed. When you and your spouse are talking about "things", it will be just you two, in your private room. No personal information will be shared (OK, first names) during the program.

You and your spouse spend quite a bit of time in a large group, but not for discussing things, rather you hear several Retrouvaille veterans talk about their marriages. They will be frank and honest about their stories. They will describe the infidelity or whatever it was that pulled them apart. They will tell about how they did get back together. There is no question/answer, but I bet you just might hear your situation played out. A Priest or Pastor also offers Biblical insights along with the presentations.

{Added 2/28/09 - Yes, I still keep this up!}

I re-read this comment about "our": presenters. It's from the entry "Coasting"

I am still amazed at the Retrouvaille presenters. They feel so strongly about what they're doing, they will stop their presentation, look at the group, and say "If you have any question or problem, call us! Do not hesitate! We are serious about this!" Some of the couples have traveled three hours (through Los Angeles) to come give a talk.

{End of Additon}

You and your spouse are given a private room. You both will be given notebooks and asked to write things in them. You will be shown how to put your thoughts together. Do not be afraid if you "can't write". If your marriage is important enough (as in "I'd give anything to have my spouse back again!") you can write things out. Your spouse is the only other person who will ever see what you write. Ever. Remember, privacy is important here.

There are other Retrouvaille people there, to keep things running. You probably will have little direct contact with them about your personal situation. At meals and breaks, though, they will join the couples and will be happy to chat about whatever. Also, if things get out of hand for any couple, a Retrouvaille participating couple will be there to help mediate things.

Well, who are these Retrouvaille people? They are fellow travelers, who have experienced serious problems in their marriages. They have learned ways to see through the troubles, to learn ways to truly communicate and to regain the love that they felt had disappeared. They are not counselors or marriage experts. Retrouvaille people have been where you are now, and have found a lifeline for marriage. They only want to help you rediscover the joy God has granted us in marriage.

As for Mrs. Ray and me, we completed the six Post Weekend sessions. (These are actually more important than the weekend! -> Commit to them!! <-) We used the writing techniques for about three months to help build our communication. Then it all petered out. But, I personally believe the experience was vital to our reconciliation. However, Mrs. Ray does not think so. I'd love to be active in the Retrouvaille community, but since Mrs. Ray is not interested, I can't.

Finally, what does this cost? There is a non-refundable registration fee (ours was $100). At the end, we were told how much the hotel and food cost for the weekend for one couple (Our weekend was $550), and given a white envelope. We were asked to go to our rooms, and return in half an hour with the envelope, and place it in a basket. There were no marks on any envelope to identify whose envelope it was. I'm sure some envelopes were empty, and some probably had much more than the $550 our weekend cost. The bottom line is, the local Retrouvaille community is so committed to saving marriages, they are more interested in helping you than in covering costs. Don't let money stop you from saving your marriage. Just go.

Update (7/28/08) Here is a link to another Retrouvaille story: "Miracle of Retrouvaille". See how powerful the Retrouvaille system can be.

Finally, if you got this far... My visitor tracker reports many visitors to this particular post. I want to respect your privacy, but if you can, I ask you to make a short comment about your reaction to this post, or your situation, or if Retrouvaille has helped you (or not). Thanks.

One Year Later

2007-11-25T19:36:00.000-06:00

Our anniversary is on November 11. We took a weekend trip to see the fall foliage - something that you just don't get in California. Though there's still some rough spots (don we all have to deal with these?) it looks like we're going to make it. Many people have supported us, separately and together, and some, I'm sure, have prayed for us more or less anonymously, Thank you all.

Stress Test

2007-08-12T04:41:00.000-05:00

Last year we had planned to move from Bakersfield to Arkansas. Mrs. Ray had never changed her plan, but of course if we were separated I would stay in California. Since getting back together, and recommitting ourselves to our relationship, Mrs Ray had located a house and we purchased it. (This included house financing in both our names together.)

In the weeks from July into August, we made our move. We did most of the work ourselves (and the help of many friends in both places). If you've ever made a major cross country move, you know the stress involved, On top of that, it was 102˚F the days we packed up in Bakersfield. I worked hard, but Mrs. Ray can't hold up in that heat. (Much earlier, we had had a Retrouvaille dialog about this, which helped me get a better understanding of Mrs. Ray's endurance in heat.) At one point I was worried I'd hear her say, "I can't continue in this relationship". But when Mrs. Ray said we really needed to talk one evening (our last night in Bakersfield, at a hotel), her words were "I really do want to make our marriage work". Yes, it was stressful to pack up and load our stuff in a short time. But inside I was so glad to hear Mrs. Ray say this. We talked through our issues, and went to sleep.

The next day was a series of late appointments before we headed east. But around 4 o'clock we finally got a start. Our drive turned into a nice road trip. And I feel we were able to find some of the old happiness we both felt as we did one of our favorite things we called "driving around aimlessly".

As I write this, our new home is packed full of boxes. We can barely move around, but we are both happy for the new place. The high point for me was last night, laying in bed, Mrs. Ray smiled at me and quietly said, "I love you".

Moving on, Moving out

2007-07-05T11:12:00.000-05:00

Here's an update.
Mrs. Ray had to move to the midwest, as planned, about three weeks ago (Mid June), while I stayed here to finish some college courses. Using our Retrouvaille dialog time we found we both agreed the separation on good terms would help us out - we had the time to re-think our relationship, and build quite a desire to see each other again.

So far so good. This may or may not be practical for readers. but it seems to have some value. I will post the occasional update so you will see if it's worth it.

I plan to leave this blog available for all. Today an anonymous reader left a comment stating this blog has helped in rebuilding his (her?) marriage. That's why it's here in the first place.

For a more interactive source of help, offered by those who have also been through this particular wringer, go to Glass Gloves for a different blog, an open forum, and a Marriage Saving Guide Wiki.

God Bless.

Calling it Off ;-)

2007-05-22T06:47:00.001-05:00

We were talking about the different way we pronounce certain words (I say "CARE-a-mel" she says "CAR-mel). I sent Mrs. Ray a link to the lyrics of "Let's call the Whole Thing Off" (The To-MAY-to/To-MAH-to song).

Here's her reply:

Subject: RE: Let's call the whole thing off
From: Mrs. Ray
Date: 5/21/2007 11:20 PM
To: Ray

I like this idea best:

So we better call the calling off off

BTW - in the middle of the song, the singer decides to give up his pajahmas and wear pajamas so they will not need to part.

How I did it.

2007-05-18T06:24:00.001-05:00

Mrs. Ray and I are solidly on the way to rebuilding our marriage. We've been dialogging nearly every day. How did I manage to convince Mrs. Ray to get back together?

I didn't. I gave up. Read it: April 23 - "(No title. You've seen it before.)"

Since that time, all I did was hope. Mrs. Ray and I had very little contact between April 23 and May 5 ("Mrs. Ray's Thoughts:"). The occasional phone call or email about things, but no real attempt on getting back together. The one thing I did do was pray, and ask God to handle the situation.

So, there was nothing I did, after Mrs. Ray's Final Decision. But God was able to work on her heart and mind, to re-open a door she had closed. God has a definite opinion on divorce. I'm sure He is not interested in taking part in messing up something He created and gave to us.

We have sold the house (Mrs. Ray's already moved out you know), and I move out in the first week of June. Yes, then I'll move in with my wife (!!) until she takes off "back east". We agree that the following two months we will continue Retrouvaille dialog and continue to work on our relationship. The we should be back together, "Happily Ever After"

It's Over ... and Beginning Again

2007-05-12T23:28:00.000-05:00

Friday we went to the counselor - both of us. Friday Mrs. Ray and I had dinner together, and ahem, breakfast on Saturday. In the last week, Mrs. Ray began working on her "best wish". We restarted daily Retrouvaille style dialog. We discussed the plans, scheduling and logistics of Mrs. Ray's moving to the Midwest in June, and I to follow at the end of July. (I'm taking classes till then.)

One of our dialog questions was:

As we rebuild our marriage, HDIF* about then being separated for two months?

Both of us wrote that it would be a good thing. We will continue dialog, learning more about each other in ways you just won't get any other way.

I think we're now on our way to Even Happier Ever After!

Reflection
I have counted 15 individuals I have talked/emailed with. Some are friends I see daily, some I only know a name they use in emails. Two Retrouvaille contacts I "met" here on this blog have been very supportive. Thank you Pittsburgh and Savannah, Georgia: 8-o MWAH** Some of your advice was instrumental in keeping me on track. Working against a divorce does require lots of support from true friends of all kinds.

And I have one good friend I could not do without - my Lord in Heaven. I have focused on following His will. Sometimes, you may have noticed, I pretty much gave up. But God doesn't necessarily do that. He kept working when all I could do is just pass the days and wait for I don't know what. He has a definite opinion about divorce. No, not when Jesus says "except for unfaithfulness" in Matthew 5:32, but in the Old Testament. In Malachi 2:16 my translation goes something like this: "'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel. 'Any questions about that?'"

I have searched myself to find fault in my marriage and before the Lord. I have found some things, and I am working on them. Note I do not point fingers at Mrs. Ray here. The one person I have the best chance of getting fixed is me, so that's where I started.

In this blog, I have called regaining my marriage my Life's Great Work. I was mistaken. My marriage is my Life's Great work! So, my job is not done - I had been remiss for seven years. So actually, my big job is only beginning!

* Secret Retrouvaille acronym known but to few. How Do You Feel about that?
* Not an acronym - the sound of a big kiss!

Added August 4, 2008:
I finally cannot resist adding this. This is the point in the story that I really knew we were back together: We had a house to sell, since November, 2006. But I do believe that God would not allow our house to sell until our marriage situation was decided - one way or the other.

Well, Mrs. Ray and I were talking into the night Friday, and by 10:00pm we had decided to make another "go" of it. Well, just after 10, the phone rang. The Broker had an offer for us!! He had called at 10 pm!! Late at night!! He didn't wait till morning, the broker called just after Mrs. Ray and I had come to an important decision! (He didn't know that.)
There were quite a few things Mrs Ray and I had to work out, yet, but that phone call was the Moment I knew my prayers were answered.

Mrs. Ray's "best wish"

2007-05-07T23:34:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Ray had been really sick over the weekend - stayed home from work Monday. So she just stayed home, trying to get better. Tonight she called to ask about my thoughts about her last email (See "Mrs Ray's Thoughts"). I said it's much better in person, so she agreed that I come over to talk. (Oh, and to watch the finale of Amazing Race!)

Results of the talk: Mrs. Ray true "best wish" is to be married to me. But she is still frightened to be "stuck" with a controlling husband. I pointed out that controlling her is the last thing I'd ever want to do, and the counselor was working with me on this. I asked her to let me know immediately when she has these feelings.

We agreed to work seriously on reconciliation, including starting Retrouvaille daily dialogs again to keep communication open. I asked her to really commit, to not just bolt for the door when she has bad feelings, and rather to "stop everything" and find out what's going on.

I think we're finally around the last turn. I pray daily for our marriage as I put my wedding ring on my finger in the morning. I pray daily for our marriage before I go to sleep at night. We have a lot of "stuff" to work through, but I believe it can be done.

Mrs. Ray's Thoughts:

2007-05-05T07:18:00.000-05:00

I have stated here that I actually have given up hoping Mrs. Ray would "come around", though that is still my dream. Even after a few times recently that she has said "I've made my decision."
Late last (Friday) night, Mrs. Ray sent me a message. I'm quoting the whole thing here. I'm glad God hears prayer and does not give up like us puny humans tend to do.

Subject: Sorry
From: Mrs. Ray
Date: Fri, 4 May 2007 22:46:51 -0700
To: Ray
I’m about to go to bed and I thought I’d write you a note. I’m sorry that I am not feeling well and that we couldn’t get together tonight. How did your session go? Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow or Sunday and we can get together to do something fun and just talk, too. I want to come see the dogs, too, because I really miss them.
I know the last few months have been difficult, and I am sorry that I have been unable to wholeheartedly return to you. I still don’t know if it will work, but I am willing to talk a little more about it and spend a little time. It would be my “best wish” for things to be good enough for me to feel good about remaining married. I just have to be sure, and right now I am not sure.

I do appreciate that you have hung in there, prayed, gone to counseling, and tried to “fix” things. I’m just sorry that things couldn’t have gotten better months ago, so we wouldn’t be up against this time pressure. It sure doesn’t help the situation for either of us.

I will talk to you tomorrow.

Mrs. Ray

Bête noire *

2007-04-30T20:25:00.000-05:00

Sunday Mrs. Ray came over for dinner, talk, and, of course, Amazing Race.

We shared some parts of Boundaries for Marriage. My main point was the realization I described in "Redefining the Situation", that the issues I saw about control led directly from expectations to boundaries.

Now there are two problems I need to deal with: 1) Why did it take so long? (six months or more) and 2) - the real bête noire - How will Mrs. Ray know now that I understand and will work to make changes permanent? It wouldn't be so bad if she was sticking around here, but Mrs. Ray does have solid plans to move to the Midwest in June. (My plans would be to stay here through summer school, them move to be with her.) How could she manage to live with me (as her husband) if shes not sure if I'll return to the "old" me?

I have about 1 month to work out this issue. I will take this up with the counselor Friday. At the moment Mrs. Ray is not interested in Retrouvaille style dialog. But I believe it will be beneficial down the road. Any suggestions will be welcome, either by comment here, or email to my contact.

* bête noire: something that makes life miserable. French for "black beast".

What's Next?

2007-04-28T10:32:00.000-05:00

As I write this, I have no hope that Mrs. Ray will think about getting back together with me. BUT, I do believe my marriage is valuable enough to keep working at it. I have hope in God, Who gave us both this marriage, and has definitely blessed us through it.

Some have told me I have way lots of patience. I don't know. I place this conviction with LOVE. My love for Mrs. Ray has not given out, though Hope has. But both of us (and you) were created by a God who loves and cares for us enough to have seen His Son sacrificed that we may enjoy His company.

Jesus said that even the most worldly father would give their son a fish when he asked for it (instead of a snake). So how much more will God care for His children? This is my belief, my hope and my prayer.

Oh, yes. The final (I think) episode of Amazing Race is Sunday night. Mrs. Ray already invited herself over for talking & to watch the Race. Maybe there always is hope of some kind!

Redefining the Situation

2007-04-28T00:46:00.000-05:00

Start Here:
For the most part, I have stayed away from the actual issues involved. But today with the counselor (and Mrs. Ray in attendance) I discovered my "so-called control issues" might be better defined as my expectations: I might expect Mrs. Ray to act a certain way or do a particular thing. And if she doesn't, well I could possibly get upset, or worse.

Stepping Stone:
From Mrs. Ray's point of view, I am working to control her actions and attitudes, since I get upset if things don't go the way I expect/want them to. But from my POV, I was just hoping Mrs. Ray could sit on the couch next to me for a bit longer, for example.

Stepping Stone:
This is "my POV"/"her POV" simply points me back into a book Mrs. Ray and I began (oh so long ago) to discuss together: Cloud & Townsend's Boundaries in Marriage. Yes, these control issues are really boundaries.

End Here:
Don't you just hate it when your 4" thick skull is just too hard to get through without trauma like this?

Now, How do I rearrange my thinking, and work to show Mrs. Ray I now understand better the things she's been harping on for over a year. (Not to mean "harping" in a bad way, but before, that's how I felt. Now I know better.)

Tick. Tick. Tick.

2007-04-25T21:26:00.000-05:00

Waiting. Mrs. Ray emailed me. She wants to see the counselor with me on Friday.

(No title. You've seen it before.)

2007-04-24T00:08:00.000-05:00

In a long answer to an email I sent Mrs. Ray this morning, she closes with this comment:

I wish you no harm: I just cannot stay married to you. It is simply too emotionally draining and frustrating.

Yes, there's lots more, and I don't want to bring all these details out here. But, needless to say, I feel sad.

I wish I could end it here. I can't. Something within me tells me to continue working and praying. I really feel I have no hope. But I have faith in what God can do, and and love for Mrs. Ray.

It is a weird feeling. I love her, but I also see no hope.

I made promises before God to Mrs. Ray. I do consider them some of the most important promises anyone can make. It won't be easy for me to withdraw these promises, even though Mrs. Ray seems to have done so.

Wicked Day

2007-04-23T00:38:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Ray had bought tickets for Wicked the Musical in LA. That's a two hour drive down & two back. Good play!

When we got back in town, Mrs. Ray asked me to just drop her off - she couldn't invite me in, as she's got school work yet. I was looking forward to a few minutes stretching my legs & a quiet moment or two with her. That was not to be. In frustration, I barely said goodbye, and spun the tires leaving the parking lot.

Mrs. Ray took that as 1) childish behavior on my part and 2) punishment for her because I did not get my way (whatever that might be). No, this isn't the first time such a simple, small event got blown up like this. But it fits the pattern.

She called later to explain this to me. Well, I did go over to her apartment, as I felt these things should be discussed face to face. The upshot is Mrs. Ray cannot take my behavior like this any more. Although Saturday she said she'd extend her deadline (or whatever you call it) to next Friday when I meet again with the counselor, she dropped that to say that our marriage was certainly over.

I know, I've heard that before. But each time I MUST take it as gospel truth. So, once again, I post my going-out-of-business note and thank all my readers. Cynical? Sarcastic? Yes. Truthful? yes, I need to believe her.

I gave up hope on my own a week or so ago. I only pray for God to take Action to heal an otherwise Heaven-sent marriage. There is nothing more I'm able to do.

Mrs. Ray reveals that she sees counseling has not worked. She never did like the Retrouvaille program I insisted on attending. I have not changed.

I don't know what to do. I pray a lot, as always. I need God to reach out and touch and heal both of us and our marriage. However if Mrs. Ray chooses NOT to love or participate in this marriage, all is lost.

Mystery Date?

2007-04-21T13:35:00.000-05:00

OK, Mr. Ray, let me get this straight: your wife wants a divorce. In fact, she's served you the papers and has said several times, even up to yesterday "I've made my decision". Right?
Yeah.
And then today (Saturday) your beloved calls you and says "Without asking too many questions, are you available tomorrow from, say mid-morning to mid-afternoon?" This woman who wants to, in fact has already, moved out on you?
Yeah. She called me and asked me that.
Do you think she's setting you up and have somebody jump you?
No. She was nice on the phone, but that don't mean nothin'!
OK, Einstein, and you didn't ask any questions at all?
I did ask one: "That means I won't be going to church?"
Well, duhh! You Baptists always go from 11:00 to 12:00 sharp! I know that! And so if you went with your sweetie, you'd be blowing off church!
I guess so. But I'm always praying to God to help me get Mrs. Ray back by my side. And if this does it, great. Besides, haven't you missed church for say, football?
Superbowl is different. Besides, I'm the one asking the questions. Back to the matter at hand. So you agreed to go with the Missus to do whatever she says? Are you nuts?
I'll get back to you on this. Tomorrow. Promise!

Aaaarrghhh! (In a good way)

2007-04-20T23:30:00.000-05:00

At the counselor, we all went over some of Mrs. Ray's issues with me. The reason for this meeting was to focus on my control and trust issues that Mrs. Ray has with me. Counselor worked with both of us - some choice words for Mrs. Ray, and many more choice words for me. I agreed to a meeting next week, but Mrs. Ray won't be able to make it. (And I'm the guest of honor, anyway.)

Mrs. Ray has not changed her mind, after all. Still moving toward the divorce. At the parking lot, we go our separate ways.

Not long after I get home, Mrs. Ray called. (Here's the "Aarrgh" part) Dear Reader, I need to cut to the chase, here, and skip words I should write. (It's late, and I've forgotten most of these words, anyway.) I get the distinct impression that Mrs. Ray really wants to get back together, but, and that's a big but, she has run out of patience with my trying to "fix" myself. I think there's life in this marriage, yet, but I must treat it with great care, or it will just snuff out.

For six months I've been trying to make the needed changes (not to worry, they're all to the good), but in this town, most counselors and such are so booked, we can only meet every three weeks or so. And many counselors don't even return calls when I'm working down the insurance list!

I've said I've given up hope myself, in my efforts to rebuild our marriage. But I have never given up hope in God. More than daily I ask Him to help out. One friend said, now that I've given up, God can step in and do His work. Maybe so.

Going through the motions

2007-04-20T07:39:00.000-05:00

Today Mrs. Ray and I have a meeting with the counselor (The one who told me what my options were). My hope in our marriage is gone. Mrs. Ray and I have not communicated since Sunday. I have prayed every day and night that God might oblige us with His grace, and touch us to heal our marriage. At this moment I do feel it's all gone/over with. But that's because I'm in a vacuum in knowing how Mrs. Ray feels. I'll know more this afternoon, but it will be a long day.

Faint Optimism

2007-04-18T01:20:00.000-05:00

In spite of recent (hopeful?) conversations, I'm not initiating any contact. And, Mrs. Ray visited the Paralegal today to check on our property separation agreement. True, time's ticking along. (Mrs. Ray is definitely moving in two months.) Although I continue to wear our ring, what hope I have left is only in God. I know the Miracle Window opened a bit last weekend, but I need patience. Being hopeless has given me patience in this.

And Friday (three days away) we meet once more with the counselor.

Amazing (Race)

2007-04-15T23:40:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Ray opened the door and walked in. (no phone call, or any other advance warning - just walked in. "It's my house, too!")
Since I had not added further comments to last night's conversation, she wanted to hear more from me about the issues. So we talked more. I swear she was skirting around the words "another chance" without saying as much. But why would she want to hear more of my response to Saturday night's talk on issues??
Because God answers prayer. Miracles do happen. Mrs. Ray had agreed last night to see the counselor (the one who "messed up" - she likes the way he got after me!) to focus on my personal issues.
She's worried that I'm doing all this "work" to keep our marriage together, but if we do get back together, wouldn't one of us still be unhappy? My reply was that for my part, I've seriously considered her personality and style. I cannot fault her. I would not be unhappy continuing with Mrs. Ray as my wife. The Retrouvaille method of communication will be a powerful tool. I hope she will also see the value of associating with other couples who have been through this ringer.
Hope? No, my hope is used up. Some is filling my soul again, but my hope is constantly in my Heavenly Father, who gave Mrs. Ray and me our marriage in the first place six and a half years ago.
We watched Amazing Race and had ice cream.

Stirrings?

2007-04-15T00:50:00.000-05:00

Today was the last Retrouvaille post session. Two couples who knew my situation urged me to go any way, even though I'd be single in a group of couples. Glad I did.

The session lasted from 1pm to 6pm, and being the final session, segued into the regular CORE meeting. That went till 9pm - a total of 8 Retro hours. Mrs. Ray called my cell phone late this evening. (On vibrate so to not interrupt the meeting.)

I called her around 9:30, she wanted to talk "face to face". I prayed all the way to her apartment, that God would give me any words that need to be said, that I will stay out of it. It had been raining, and Mrs. Ray thought I was on my motorcycle (Rain + Bike = on-the-side-of-the-road-in-a-ditch).

We sat on her couch. The first thing she said was that she was worried, since I had not returned her call. (Mrs. Ray didn't know about the extended day at Retrouvaille.) Becoming a bit emotional, she said she was worried and that part of her missed me. This part, I pray to God, might be cultivated back into a real marriage relationship. That's why I'm still afraid to talk directly to Mrs. Ray - I'd rather let God do that. I don't want to mess it up.

Mrs. Ray wanted to talk about some of the reasons she's leaving me. (Not to be aired here.) I believe even though she says it's for my own good, there's still part of her reaching out to me.

This is my prayer: Please God, as the Designer of Marriage, that you have granted in your grace to Mrs. Ray and me, I ask, as one of your children, that the small desire Mrs. Ray has for me be cultivated back, to heal our marriage, and that we again might enjoy the promises and joy found in a good marriage.

Yes, I do pray more than this, but hey, I don't want to type the whole thing out. I'm not that fast.

Keeping on Keeping On

2007-04-14T10:29:00.000-05:00

"Anonymous" posted a sweet comment for "Shutting It Down" that I'd like to reply here.

Sometimes you have to know when to quit. I judge you have done all you can. I strongly believe in the power of hope and possibility, but maybe now it's time for you to concentrate on Mr. Ray.

My personal hope is used up. My love for Mrs. Ray continues. My hope in God and what He can do is constant. I have no reason to give up on God. When my wife (before Mrs. Ray) died of cancer in 2000, I wondered why God would permit Ann would be taken away. I still don't know. But God did fill an empty space in my heart with Mrs. Ray. I bring this up here to say that I continue with Faith in God, who watches over even the lilies of the field (that are simply thrown into the fire when the season's over) and will care for me (and all people) ever so much better.

Give up? I wrote an article on personal limits called "What's Your Summit?". My goal has not been met. But I've decided to give up for my own well being, and to avoid getting pathetic. But I've asked God to step in now, and work in both our lives - hopefully to bring us together.

Thank you, Anonymous, for your support and prayer. I do know God is in and around this situation, as He is in any marriage. I just wish our rebuilding efforts would have been successful. Today is the day for the last Retrouvaille Post session. The only one we will have missed. I sure hope we will have the opportunity to make it up! :-)

Shutting it down

2007-04-11T19:37:00.000-05:00

The counselor who messed it up last week contacted Mrs. Ray to see what he could do. (I missed his call, but he did leave a voice message.)

Mrs. Ray is set - she has made her decision. I have been in similar situations, and know what I must do emotionally. I don't really want to give up, but I feel there is small chance of any life in our marriage. Yes, I have bitterness, but it is not in me to dwell there or cultivate it.

Mrs. Ray has already (around Christmas) filed the divorce papers, and here in California, I have almost no recourse to fight it. I expect the final papers and stuff any time.

My feeling is now I must cut off as much contact as I can, and seal Mrs. Ray's part of my heart with thick scar tissue. This will hurt. I am sorry she has given up. I have ideas of what's behind it (don't we all really want to fix blame?) but I won't be airing it here.

For the last time, I guess, thank you readers for following my story, for praying, and for those comments you have offered.

I do believe the Retrouvaille system is powerful. Should I later find new love (I expect and want to) I want to try using the dialog from the get-go as a way to avoid what happened to Mrs. Ray and me.

I have no plans to close this blog down. It is dedicated to my marriage to Mrs. Ray, so the only things I can add will be from the relationship I have with her. My God has done greater things than revive dead marriages, and my prayer is still that Mrs. Ray and I can find our first love again. I have found the most significant readers here are from the Retrouvaille community. So, any new entries will certainly include that word.

Love, Ray

Winding it up

2007-04-08T19:14:00.000-05:00

Since Tuesday, Mrs. Ray has told me twice and specifically that she has made her decision (and it does not include me). Today in church, speaking of God's power over death, Pastor Jim described Ezekiel's experience in the Valley of Dry Bones. Calling Ezekiel to prophesy, the dead bones first became covered with flesh, then rose up alive. God showed Ezekiel that lack of hope is not a factor in God's plans.

Well, that's where I'm at. My marriage to Mrs. Ray is in this valley. There's nothing more I am able to do, though I will be speaking with my Wife tomorrow (Monday).

Retrouvaille Contact

2007-04-07T18:29:00.000-05:00

For what it's worth, I'd like to hear from Retrouvaille people. The Retrouvaille program is absolutely priceless in what it has done for us. (Well, almost - Mrs. Ray still seems to be moving on, but I can't take that as an answer.)

Send messages to "ray.sliding@gmail.com".

Thanks.

It seems to me that it's final now, but in talking to a few other Retrouvaille couples, they've seen "worse" situations that did work out. What do I have to lose?

Venting it all

2007-04-06T00:55:00.000-05:00

Although Mrs. Ray has said at least three times "That's it! I'm through", this time I think it will stick. (I'm waiting for the Miracle window to open.)

When do I give up? Yeah, me, the guy who wrote about personal limits in "What's Your Summit?" on Glass Gloves. We still have the nuts and bolts of separating everything. I'll have to sign some papers. Take off my ring one last time. We have been to counseling, used dialog daily (check out Retrouvaille.org), prayed separately and together. I still love Mrs. Ray. I still want to do whatever it takes. But maybe now I don't have what it takes, from Mrs. Ray's point of view.

Final Result

2007-04-05T18:49:00.000-05:00

"I would rather be lonely and not have someone to do fun things with than to lie next to someone I can't trust." -- Mrs. Ray

Thank you all for reading, praying and supporting. -- Ray

That feeling again....

2007-04-03T16:01:00.000-05:00

We went to a new counselor today. I knew we had made a mistake in choosing this guy when he asks, "You guys are Christians," just like you'd ask "You guys are Republicans." (Without a question mark.) Later in the conversation, he looks at me, and says, "If you feel the need to get that kind of satisfaction, you can 1) have an affair, 2) find someone else, or 3) live with what you have. Why are you looking at me like that?"

I was staring at him sternly. I said, "I'm not looking for anyone else."

When Mrs. Ray and I came to the house and had lunch, she told me, after all that's happened this weekend (setting up and running a garage sale) and what the counselor said, "I think it will be best to continue with the divorce. I think the last times I've changed my mind, it's because I felt sorry for you, but I can't do that any more."

And we did not choose a dialog question.

Coasting

2007-04-01T22:41:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Ray and I spent Sunday at the local Kennel club dog show, though I'd much rather spend Palm Sunday at church. (See "Strategy" below.) In the last two weeks, Mrs. Ray and I have been on an even keel. I suppose part of it may be we're set to see a (new) counselor Tuesday, and we're just waiting. The Tuesday counseling session is one hour, and it's the introductory one. I'm sure something will come out of it, though. We continue the dialogs daily (OK, Thursday and Friday we were just too tired, but we did spend a few minutes in affirming conversation. Try that some time, marriage problems or not!) No big ups and downs.

My strategy for now is to try not to make any decisions, even if Mrs. Ray says something like "You choose the restaurant this time." I have found that If I make a suggestion when we're working together on something, she gets rather sharp talking back to me. I feel it's just the sensitivity of a sore - you find out just how much you use your third (ring) finger when you get a paper cut there!

I am still amazed at the Retrouvaille presenters. They feel so strongly about what they're doing, they will stop their presentation, look at the group, and say "If you have any question or problem, call us! Do not hesitate! We are serious about this!" Some of the couples have traveled three hours (through Los Angeles) to come give a talk. My hat is off to them!

I think I'll write a letter to Phil Keoghan of CBS's Amazing Race. We have not missed watching a single episode together. Even in the most "separate" of Sundays, we manage to get together on a couch to watch the show. I can't say it's really true, but it's close, that "Amazing Race saved our marriage!"

This just in....

2007-03-20T07:24:00.000-05:00

As I was writing my last message, "Small talk" (9:40pm), Mrs. Ray was driving over to my house to talk some more. (She did not call or anything). She came in, and told me she felt terrible. Not for making me feel bad, but she is still torn between leaving or staying.

We talked some more. We already have an appointment for a marriage counselor in two weeks. She now promises to wait till we can see him. And we will still do those Retrouvaille dialogs till then.

Small talk

2007-03-19T23:40:00.000-05:00

Mrs. Ray had some mysterious problem with her phone - the house phone system was not working. The phone company said their side was OK, and they'd gladly come out to check her wiring, for $50. She called you-know-who. I came over at 7:30 pm (on a school night!) to help figure out what was going on. I couldn't get much farther with fixing it. But we did talk more.

She told me "I've made my decision".

Well, I never had a decision to make, and it doesn't match Mrs. Ray's!

I guess I'll just have to play it by prayer now!

I left her apartment around 9:00 pm and went home.

Falling Apart

2007-03-18T22:52:00.000-05:00

In the last three weeks, we continued our Retrouvaille dialog, faithfully went to Retrouvaille Post sessions, did a few things together. At the Post session this last Saturday (March 17), we practiced a technique for conflict resolution on, of all things “Hand Holding”. But in that discussion, I admitted a real need to be physically close to my wife at times. And Mrs. Ray admitted she could not really accommodate me in this manner. (There’s more to it, but just follow along.)

She went to visit her daughter (2 hour drive there & 2 hours back = 4 hours of thinking). Mrs. Ray asked to stop by to talk. What she wanted to say was she really cannot go on any more, and will begin the final proceedings for the divorce.

About six years ago, I made important promises, and I am going to have a hard time withdrawing them. Marriage promises, to me, are Life Promises. It will just be a big effort, with a lot of personal heartache, to make the adjustment.

My Life’s Great Work is over. I hold little hope that Mrs. Ray will reconsider. We still need to sell the house, and sort out our stuff. I will not be moving to Arkansas, after all.

Although the door remains open for her, I have little hope for our marriage any more. If some miracle happens, I’ll add a new post. Beyond that, it looks like it’s

The End

... or maybe not after all!
Updated with this line March 20

Coming Together

2007-02-27T00:08:00.000-06:00

This last weekend was, well, pleasant. We spent time together (not all weekend), went to see Breach, went to church. The sermon was on Wilderness, meaning those times we see/feel little support. Wilderness played an important role in the major players in the Bible, from Abraham to Jesus and Paul. The idea rang true for both Mrs. Ray and me.

Late Sunday night, Mrs. Ray sent an email to me. After some thoughts on our situation, Mrs. Ray begins a paragraph with “The bottom line is, that I feel He [God] is telling me to trust you (and Him). Later she writes “If you can live with the changes that I need, then I am telling you that I want us to consider ourselves together, to sell our house, you move into the apartment…” And closes with OK – those are my thoughts. What are yours? I do want our marriage to work, and be happy and healthy for both of us.

I realize my dream of the last few months is complete. But my great work continues. Now it’s Our great work, as we come together to rebuild a marriage that drifted onto the Shoals of life over the seven years we’ve been together.

We are committed to the Retrouvaille dialogs, and we both understand our separation experience will be used by God to help other couples who are having these kinds of problems.

I will continue this blog, as we learn more about each other, and learn from our experiences how to build an even better marriage together. Thanks for reading and praying.

Not an easy road!

2007-02-19T11:20:00.000-06:00

In the last episode, Mrs. Ray was ready go give up and move on/away. We did have Valentine dinner at her apartment - not too romantic but pleasant. Talked for quite a while, sometimes bordering on argument. Kind of just waiting for Saturday and the Retrouvaille session.

What a difference a Retrouvaille session makes! Mrs. Ray showed up at the house still upset for many things. We went to our 5 hour session (Post #2) and learned about our personalities and how our family of origin (the one(s) we grew up in) affect our adult selves. Both of us saw the many dimensions we bring, and how they interact between us. With this new understanding we know there’s more, and now things are much better.

At one point Sunday, Mrs. Ray was heard to say “I’m feeling better now,” with a smile on her face. She is at her daughters place Sunday and today, but we are planning to watch the Tivo'd first episode of Amazing Race. (Our favorite program – I was despondent at one point that I would not have anyone to watch it with!) Now she is planning to come over to 1) Watch the show, 2) Dialog and 3) Just Talk.

Stay Tuned.

That sliding feeling again

2007-02-15T22:28:00.000-06:00

Since Valentines evening (last night), things have gone from bad to worse. Somehow I have not made, in fact I resist, any changes in my personality. When we kiss on the couch, suddenly I am after sex (nasty thing, that, eh?)

Now Mrs. Ray does not want to meet with me at either house. We will go to Retrouvaille Post No. 2 Saturday. I'm wondering if we should go in one or two cars. That would be a telling event - driving up to a marriage reconciliation workshop separately!

Mrs. Ray says she's close to a breakdown. I just don't know what to do! I'm trying to stay calm when I'm talking to her (on the phone or in person), but she still builds to a highly emotional state. I want to follow Dr. Dobson's advice in Love Must Be Tough, but how do you do that and have daily dialogs at the same time?

I pray we can get our feet back on the ground Saturday, and especially to last to Thursday when we see the counselor together, for a two hour block. Pray with us. Thanks.

Crash. Burn. Surprise!

2007-02-14T01:47:00.000-06:00

I took my turn at the counselor. Got home, called Mrs. Ray, told her what we talked about. The counselor told me it seems everything is going great! We discussed some issues, the counselor thought I was doing OK with them, even when I said I was not following her directions exactly, but I explained why and that I felt the desired results were achieved. Prognosis: Soon we will be happily back together.

At home, I called Mrs. Ray and told her this. Mrs. Ray was expecting that the counselor get on me that I had not followed her directions. (a rubber band on my wrist to remind me about some behavior, I was supposed to snap the band when I needed a reminder. I did not want to snap the band, but the knowledge it was on my wrist served the purpose.) I had forgotten a few topics that I had promised Mrs. Ray we would discuss. [I'm skipping some details here] This makes me a liar for not bringing them up. (I forgot!) Lying is an issue Mrs. Ray has with me.

Bottom line: Mrs. Ray is about ready to throw in the towel. The counselor was a waste of time & money. I continue to lie and continue to work to control or force Mrs. Ray to do "my way". Looks like we're back to Square One.

New prognosis: our future together is either NOT, or hanging by a thread. I'm calling the counselor tomorrow to see what we can do about this.

Mrs. Ray was planning a great Valentine dinner (wonderful menu - really romantic) I am still expected for dinner (so we can talk), but I'm not sure just how romantic this will be!

Goals Dialog

2007-02-12T14:13:00.000-06:00

Today's dialog topic was "What goals would I like to see us achieve in the next few months?" We talked it over this morning, after breakfast. (Mrs. Ray and I are both teachers, so we're enjoying a day off.) In the next few months, Mrs. Ray needs to decide for herself whether she still has a husband or not, as she is planning to move out of state this summer. So, both of us, independently, stated the next goal should be whether our marriage is strong enough, that Mrs. Ray is comfortable enough to have me back at her side.

By now, both of us have committed to working things out, but Mrs. Ray still has her hand on the escape hatch. The only advice I have for her, bottom line, is to make any decision she can absolutely live with. (I think you readers know my position on this! So does Mrs. Ray!)

= + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = +

I feel the big issues about getting Mrs. Ray to reconsider her marriage have reached a point it's almost a matter of time, as we share, dialog, discuss, and go to our counselor. I'm confident that our marriage is safe, though it ain't over till it's over.

I have a few more pieces to post on GlassGloves.com. That's where I write articles about "save my marriage" ideas that are worth sharing. There's also many other thoughts by the main blog host, Shohn.

One Week Later

2007-02-10T22:35:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Ray and I have been using the Retrouvaille dialog daily. It works great for getting things out in the open.

I have not been updating this week, because many of the issues we are talking about are not for publication (this thing is not entirely anonymous!) Also, what I would write would seem like (even to me) finger pointing. That's another thing this blog is not about.

Mrs. Ray has some issues with me that need to be worked out. She also has some issues with me that actually keep her going in the process. I can't say I want to exploit those issues for the benefit of reconciliation, but, yes, I use them whenever I can. (OK, that's exploitation. I just want to try and rationalize it! :-) )

It's Official

2007-02-04T16:46:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Ray and I went to church together today for the first time since we separated. Different church than our "regular" one. The text was taken from Luke 5:1-11 where Jesus preaches from Simon (Peter)'s boat.

When we got home, ate lunch, and Mrs. Ray was ready to do the day's Retrouvaille Dialog. "I'm choosing the question!" she said.

"But, wait, you chose the one yesterday!" I said.

"Here's the question," she ignored me. "What is one thing I got from the message today? How do I feel about my answer?"

"Well, OK, I guess." We began writing.

We exchanged notebooks. Much of what we wrote was parallel - we both had the same ideas in many places. Then in one paragraph, Mrs. Ray said the thing that struck her most was when Simon, against his better judgment, went out and dropped his net again, even though he did not expect to get much. (It was daytime, and they usually fish at night.) And he was tired (having stayed up all night). In verse 5, Peter agrees to, "if you [Jesus] say so." , Even though they're tired and it's off hours for fishing, they pull in a catch too big even for the net & need help to land the catch.

Mrs. Ray realized that God meant for her to commit to rebuilding her marriage, because "He says to", and to follow in faith. She will follow through with the Retrouvaille post sessions and work with me to solve our problems.

Now we are both going in the same direction! There is lots to do, yet. Self examination on both our parts, prayer, talking, dialog. But my goal and desire - that we stay together as husband and wife, is oh so much closer now!

Freudian Slip??

2007-02-04T00:04:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Ray and I were having dinner at The Elephant Bar, and she started a sentence by saying

When weI move back east....

We went on to see Children of Men. Rough movie!!

Rediscovery

2007-02-02T23:00:00.001-06:00

Retrouvaille – a French word for “rediscovery”. Mrs. Ray and I went for the weekend to a local hotel. Mrs. Ray was not really excited to go (She says she went because I insisted and pushed her to go. She did not want to make me too upset, and there should not be any harm in going, so she went.) During the whole weekend we were together nearly every second. We learned how to share some rather unpleasant feelings in a very good way. (It’s good to be comfortable with writing things down, but don’t let that stop you from going!)

Even after the weekend Mrs. Ray was really not excited about continuing with the follow-ups. However, we continued the method, called “Dialog” every night this week. We do feel better about communicating. My general recommendation for readers? If you need to find a way to better share feelings (good bad and ugly ones) with your loved one, give Retrouvaille some serious consideration!

A New Direction, Part 2

2007-02-01T00:15:00.000-06:00

Here is another message from Mrs Ray. I think we have now surely started in a new direction. But we're not nearly out of the forest yet!

Ray, I know you are frustrated at the pace we are moving, but please know that it is my first wish that we can work things out. It is my 2^nd place choice to have to divorce. I just have to be really sure. I hope you understand.

Love, Mrs. Ray

A New Direction

2007-01-31T00:42:00.000-06:00

In an email exchange, Mrs. Ray wrote something that is so true:

… I feel so overwhelmed with different feelings. Part of me thinks I should have just cut things off …, and began a new life. Another part of me still misses part of you, and wants nothing more than to go running back and pick up the pieces. What I really want is for us to take the respective pieces of ourselves and our broken marriage and glue them back together in a better way, using only the good parts, to make a better vessel. I just don’t know if we would be able to only choose the good parts, and I can’t stand the thought of gluing it back together badly, or in the same way as before. So much will need to change in both of us.

In the Middle of the Turn

2007-01-22T19:26:00.000-06:00

Just some random thoughts.
Mrs. Ray did agree to go to Retrouvaille. Perfect timing - it's this weekend, and it's in town!
She is not ready to forgive me of many things, but to me it seems the time is "ripe". I think she does see change in me (but our counselor reminded her to watch out for a return to the "same ol' same ol' ") and a serious commitment to get things to work out.
Mrs. Ray has rediscovered her desire to be physically close (not meaning intimate, just close) to me. That's been my feeling for months now! I hope that will be a reason for her to continue reconciliation, slowly and carefully, as she is comfortable.
It looks like we may remain apart this week, with little communication till Friday evening. We'll see how that works.

24 Hours

2007-01-21T11:38:00.000-06:00

19/Jan/07 2223: As Ray drifts off to sleep, he begins calling Mrs. Ray's name out loud. At the same time, Mrs. Ray is writing a long email, full of her frustration, confusion , desires and thoughts.

20/Jan/07 0120 Ray wakes up (only 4 hours of sleep), and begins thinking about Mrs. Ray and "things".

20/Jan/07 0515 Unable to sleep, Ray gets up, turns on the computer, and checks his mail. Finds a message from Mrs. Ray:

Ray,

I have lots to talk to you about when we get together on Sunday. I have been so frustrated this week; wrestling with myself, cussing you out, crying out to God, and in general trying to figure you out, and how/why/whether/if we should be together....

It seems like we take a few steps forward, only to always take steps backwards....

I can’t figure out if I really do still love you, despite the disappointments and unacceptable behavior, ....

How am I supposed to set “boundaries” with you in the realm of lying and deception, when during the same night we are discussing the boundaries book you deceive me?....

Part of me was telling myself all week long RUN RUN RUN AWAY. Get the divorce done, move [away], sever all ties and do it quick, before he hurts you more. Then another part of me would begin to feel a mix of guilty, sadness, loneliness, confused…memories of nice times we had together would flood back…and that is what is totally tearing me up....

You have told me many times, and written many pretty words to me about how much you love me. They mean nothing at this point. They don’t match up with your actions toward me, particularly in light of all of the tears, counseling, prayers, and supposed “changing and growing” that you are doing. All of the kisses, hugs, intimate moments… all of the cups of tea and coffee, all of the trips, all of the snuggles on the couch… it all seems like a sham. Please, please, tell me what I am supposed to do?

20/Jan/07 0452 Ray sends this reply:

... Please keep this in mind: as I pointed out, Yes, I did keep part of the conversation with the Realtor away from you, but later I realized myself what I had done, and took the initiative myself to fix that: I sent you that message that I had done something "wrong". My point, even in that message: I did the hard thing, the right thing, and 'fessed up to you. You did not ask - I made the move on my own to correct the error. I also asked for your help and forgiveness. I admit your "forgiveness supply" for me is rather low right now. But that is what I ask for. Forgiveness only has value when you (Mrs. Ray) see repentance in me. That is what I'm trying to show you.

Mrs. Ray, I appreciate the turmoil in your heart. I wish I could embrace you and comfort you, but I also know I am the cause of the turmoil.

20/Jan/07 0511 Ray sends another message:

Mrs. Ray,

Sunday, we do need to talk, to share thoughts on things. … Let's do this: Come on over, then we'll go to the park and go for a walk along the river. … something we can do together and enjoy each other's company - a date!! Nothing more, nothing less. Then we can get back and talk some.

20/Jan/07 0802 Mrs. Ray’s reply:

I slept until 7:30 and didn’t see your [message] …. I like the idea of a walk; I’ll plan on coming over about 2:00. We can go walk, go back to the house to talk, and then if we want, get a bite of supper.

20/Jan/07 0820 Ray leaves to visit his Dad & Son. Two hours driving there to think, and two hours driving back to think some more.

20/Jan/07 1630 Ray returns home. Dinner, Watched some of The Quiet Man.

20/Jan/07 2114 Mrs. Ray sends a “commented” version of Ray’s Reply. Ray opens his MySpace IM. A conversation ensues:

Mrs_Ray (08:43 PM 01/20/07): Hey - did you get back safely from your trip?

Ray (09:53 PM 01/20/07): I got back in the afternoon.

Ray (09:54 PM 01/20/07): Dad's doing well. My son is wonderful.

Mrs_Ray (09:55 PM 01/20/07): Good

Ray (09:55 PM 01/20/07): I read your email (your notes mixed in mine.)

Mrs_Ray (09:56 PM 01/20/07): can you understand how I feel?

Ray (09:57 PM 01/20/07): Yes. I do know it is terrible. I feel like I could come see you tonight.

Mrs_Ray (09:57 PM 01/20/07): I want you to come see me tonight. I would love to just be beside you. (and I'll try not to hit you).

Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): 30 minutes? OK?

Mrs_Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): OK

Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): Bye! Start counting....

Mrs_Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): 1

Mrs_Ray (09:59 PM 01/20/07): 2

Last message received at 09:59 PM on 01/20/07

20/Jan/07 2230 Ray gets to Mrs. Ray’s apartment. In conversation, both agree there’s still “something” worth working on. Both feel the need for a fresh commitment to work things out.
Note about God: As I held Mrs. Ray, I wanted to pray to God. I wanted to pray silently. But three times I started "Dear God", and my thoughts would not budge farther. It took three times to realize I should share my prayers with Mrs. Ray!! I did. I think she really appreciated what I was praying for! Now I'm glad God "made" me do that!!

Just as in the TV series, when things look like they’re over, they are only just beginning. It’s not set yet, but maybe, just maybe a new chapter is coming. Thanks for reading.

Movement?

2007-01-20T07:12:00.000-06:00

Late last night, Mrs. Ray sent me a long email. As I mentioned in my last entry (Touching Base), I cut way back on communication with her. And this is what I get: a page and a half email with her thoughts! Mostly her frustration and turmoil about whether she should return or leave.

I have been praying that God show us the next step so we can get a move on, rather than just sit around and think about it. God does answer prayer. We meet Sunday. I will push again for Retrouvaille. I still think their communication exercises will clear out some of the garbage that's grown between us, and point us toward reconciliation.
Stay tuned!

Touching Base

2007-01-19T00:17:00.000-06:00

My last entry was Monday. I am disappointed Mrs. Ray does not want to go to Retrouvaille. I believe the communication is what we really need - other things will follow as we learn more about each other.

Monday Mrs. Ray seemed to be, well, waiting and watching. I'm more interested in considering the possibility of reconciliation. She still speaks of "When I move...." without any potential inclusion of her husband.

Monday I decided to minimize contact with her. I shut of my MySpace IM and have not spoken with her. (She hasn't called me, either.) In an email tonight she wants to go to a movie on Saturday evening. I'm debating whether to take this weekend "off".

I am trying to contact Retrouvaille - the local person and I have been playing phone tag for two days (!!). If we do spend time together, I really want to push Retrouvaille. Yes, there are other programs, etc. But I bumped into Retro... and it looks good to me.

Finding Boundaries

2007-01-15T22:15:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Ray came over to discuss Boundaries in Marriage. I had read it and marked several passages. Now she's reading and marking it. We shared our readings. I am open to whatever will help Mrs. Ray understand me. I say I am tearing myself apart, trying to fix myself (yes, with the counselor's help, too).

She pointed out there are still some areas I need to work on: Control, honesty and remarks. Controlling others is something I have found that I have been doing. Now I am working on stopping it. Many control methods are very subtle, and I need to identify them and get them under (ahem) control. The honesty issue might be related to control, as I try to influence others. Mrs. Ray says I often make rude and cutting remarks, even without knowing it.

Mrs. Ray is not interested in Retrouvaille. They concentrate on communication, but we have other issues. As if communication won't help work out the other issues. Go figure. She says we need to keep seeing each other, talking, and working out the issues. Yeah, we can do that, but I feel we should have more involvement with the counselor. As it is, I feel lousy about things now. This was not a good weekend.

Waiting, Waiting

2007-01-13T16:29:00.000-06:00

Last night Mrs. Ray told me she had been to the counselor. But she still is keeping her option open to move on, rather than work on rebuilding. But I believe the counselor, “Agnes”, is also working on rebuilding, but in her way. (Mrs. Ray said Agnes is working to help Mrs. Ray work through Mrs. Ray's own issues, but I think they also talk about my issues, as far as they relate to Mrs. Ray, too!)

Mrs. Ray already wanted to straighten out the arrangement when we go to Retrouvaille. We will be in the same hotel room for two nights, probably with one bed. But no hanky panky, now!

And she brought up the classic "How is a Catholic priest going to help us with marriage issues?*" I understand from Retrouvaille's web site that the weekend retreat is very powerful in rebuilding marriages. They focus on communication. So, for now, I'm just waiting for the next two weeks to go by, until we get to the retreat.

*The Retrouvaille session leaders also include three couples who have been through a breakup and reconciliation.

Turning Point

2007-01-09T22:17:00.000-06:00

The counselor was very happy at the latest events. She's very positive about the final outcome. We talked about my need for change, that I had figured things out almost on my own and was heading in the right direction.
The counselor loved the way we are adding our sticky notes to the book Boundaries in Marriage. We will soon compare notes on the book. Mrs. Ray is not finished with it yet, but she is reading it.
I brought up a workshop called "Retrouvaille" (Non francophones can say "retro-VAY". It started in Quebec, Canada, eh?), brought to you by the folks at Marriage Encounter, only for couples in our situation - a breaking marriage. The counselor said that was an excellent idea. There's a meeting in town at the end of the month. I think we'll be going.

Surprise Supper

2007-01-08T22:40:00.000-06:00

Sunday, Mrs. Ray meant to get an Outlook file off her old computer to move to her new one. Forgot. I tried emailing it, but her Outlook managed to strip such files from incoming mail. (Thanks, Microsoft! 8p )
I emailed Mrs. Ray to say I could bring the file over on a thumb drive sometime. Her reply was "Would you like supper tonight?" Well, I did. Gave up my own Crockpot BBQ pork ribs. I have my priorities!
I did the computer thing & had supper. We didn't really have any particular stuff to talk about (having only 24 hours before covered some heavy ground). But the cuddling turned to some kisses. Both of us, I think wanted more, but knew when to stop.

T h i s   J u s t   I n  . . .

As I was writing this, Mrs. Ray called me. After I left, she had a few errands to run. She got home to find a message from me on her answer machine - I left the thumb drive at her place. She called to tell me she got the message. But then, voice beginning to waver, said she almost came over to the house tonight (unannounced). "Why?" I probed.
"Because part of me misses you, and part of me wants to move on." she said with an unsteady voice.
Her feelings came out in more conversation. She understood this separation stuff was terribly hard on both of us. (I agreed.) She does have many issues about me that need to be cleared up. (I also think she is getting a better understanding of what she might be leaving behind.) I told Mrs. Ray I have come across some ideas - programs, ideas, books, etc. that might be useful, but I did want to clear them through the counselor first. She asked "When will that be?", but I kept her guessing on that. Because of the recently surfacing emotions, I suggested that neither of us make any effort to contact each other for 24 hours. I will be seeing our counselor tomorrow.
Reader, please don't think I feel victorious. First, the show ain't over. Second, I have put this whole business to God. I always ask God to give me His complete and Holy wisdom in healing a hurting marriage and hurting wife. (I admit that if I tried to work this out myself, I'd really mess things up!) There is no victory for me, rather for God's love and design of marriage. I'll post tomorrow and late the goings on. Looks like this might be an important few days. Keep your prayer lines open!

New look

2007-01-08T22:34:00.000-06:00

I changed the blog colors to represent my overall feelings. No, not out of the woods yet at all. But, personally, the dark mourning feeling has gone. Let a little color in. A mix of some my and Mrs. Ray's favorite colors.

Who are you talking about?

2007-01-08T00:40:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Ray came back here for Sunday supper. After dinner we moved to the couch for the usual conversation. Mrs. Ray started right out with an incident that for the life of me I can't recall, but she says happened.

We had gone to Disneyland with her son's family, including her grandson, "Mark". We had purchased the two hotel rooms for both families. "June" was to buy the D-land tickets. (Two hotel rooms come in about the same as four Mouse House tix.) Instead, Mrs. Ray had gotten a better price though the Credit Union. That's OK by me! When we all got together, June gave us cash to cover her half of the hotel and tickets. Fair & Square.

But, as we left to head home, it seems I said something to little Mark that was really meant for June: "OK, Mark, next time your mom will have to buy her own tickets."

Now why would I ever try to get this dig in?? I figure everything worked out fairly, including saving by getting the tickets through the credit union. And, after the whole fun weekend, would I want to remind anyone that the deal did not go down as I expected it to? I don't recall saying this, or even thinking the finances were off.

We did talk about other things, from how I am working to make personality changes permanent, to sex (talking - we didn't do anything!) to my road rage (I say "ain't happening", Mrs. Ray says "Alla time!" - I'm playing along for now). By the end, though, we did sit together on the couch cuddling for a while. Mrs. Ray did say she appreciated that I'm working on these things. That made the whole evening worthwhile - holding my wife close.

"I'm leaving. No. There's a possibility. No. Let's be friends. No. But this doesn't mean..."

2007-01-05T22:47:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Ray has returned from her trip. She came over for dinner Friday night. We had Slow Cooker Chili. Then we handled some business, and moved to the couch to chat. We sat there. Looked at each other & smiled. (I resolved to wait for Mrs. Ray to start.) I forgot what she said, but we began by talking about how we now relate to each other. Snippets of Mrs. Ray: "We will both grow from this." "I have not ruled out anything" "I have not decided on when (but I plan to) or if (but I plan to) I will file the divorce (default) papers."
Talk about mixed signals!! Ever hopeful, I'm now optimistic, compared with last night. But, my Schrodinger's Cat is clearly in State #2 ("I don't know yet"). In other words, the box is still closed!
I gave her a book I had read, Boundaries in Marriage. I had marked pages that had ideas that I felt were important with little sticky-notes. I tactfully said this exercise was good for me. That I was guilty of many boundary points in the book. I asked her to read it & mark her important ideas. Then we would compare notes.
The conversation wound down till Mrs. Ray actually said, "I don't have anything else to say." (That's a wonder! :) ) So, with nothing else to talk about, I put my arm over Mrs. Ray's shoulder, and we just kinda cuddled for about 10 minutes (who's counting?).
Then a few more pieces of business, like raiding the pantry again, and Mrs. Ray actually decided something - to go home.
[Protest Quotient: Plus 1]

Shuttle from the Airport

2007-01-04T23:51:00.000-06:00

OK, Mrs. Ray's back. She had asked me to pick her up at the airport. Seems the last leg of her trip was delayed SIX (6) HOURS (as in more than five hours!). The actual flight? 1 hour 40 minutes. Thank you Airport Snow.

The first thing she told me was she bought new luggage on this trip, so I could keep the whole set of luggage we had shared for the last five years. The she talked about her grandson, and the house back east. Some other stuff about her family. You know, it seems to me she was having the kind of conversation you'd have with a good friend who came to the airport to pick you up. But to me, I was still expecting my wife!! Later she asked me why I was so quiet and moody. (didn't have supper with her, even though she was buying).

Correct or incorrect, I actually went to the airport hoping to pick up someone that resembled my wife. Only, the person who came to the baggage area was just some friend I was helping out. This is not the first time she's acted with what might be a "friend" attitude, but to me it was soooo strange, because it was the person I still see as my WIFE talking and acting like someone else. She didn't get it, yet I'm torn up inside. This is a real heart breaker.

As for the Cat (see Free Fall #3), nothing has been determined.

I guess this is almost coherent, but it just tears me up. Mrs. Ray seems to already be settled in the unmarried mode, and she treats her ex as some friend. This is something I cannot do if we reach the final breaking point. I am still working and praying that Mrs. Ray and I will find common ground and rebuild our marriage. But, should she depart from her promises of six years ago, I cannot abide ever dealing with her again. For my own mind, and heart, I will need to completely "clean her out of my heart". This is not fun. I do not want to do it to someone as precious to me as my wife.

I hope I can maintain an even keel for the next few days, till we see the condition of the cat.

Pre - "Mrs. Ray Returns" Update

2007-01-03T19:19:00.000-06:00

I spent about an hour with Pastor Jim today. I don't need to go to Jim for support - the Holy Spirit and prayer already do that. Jim is a great sounding board, an honest spiritual guide and a good friend to both Mrs. Ray and me.

The upshot of the talk is that I have already been through the Valley of the Shadow (grief). Mrs. Ray has already left the building. The "bad" result has already happened. I believe my life's Great Work is the only thing that will get Mrs. Ray to reconsider. ("Great Work" of course is actually 100% God through the Holy Spirit. I could never pull something like this off myself - you'd understand if you knew Mrs. Ray!)

Pastor Jim also pointed out that several concerned church friends have observed that I look & act a lot better in the last few weeks. Yes, the worst case scenario has happened - Mrs. Ray has left. Now my job is to literally woo Mrs. Ray back to her marriage.

Tomorrow we'll see the condition of Mrs. Ray's "Shrodinger's Cat".

Free Fall #3

2007-01-02T23:01:00.000-06:00

It's Tuesday. Mrs. Ray will be returning Thursday afternoon. Yes, I'm praying about her trip, what she's worked through back east, what we'll be doing Thursday night - talking or what. I expect to just take her to her apartment, unload her stuff, and politely leave. (Part of the let-them-go strategy.)
I have been on pins and needles emotionally. I'm supposed to be cleaning the computer room (five years of accumulation - four days cleaning my computer position till you can finally see the wood!!). But even that is hard to do when I start thinking about when Mrs. Ray returns. I don't expect to get much sleep Wednesday night. But I've waited for over 50 Christmases, as many birthdays, countless test results and calls after interviews. But this is my marriage!!!!
I need to keep in mind the story Shrodinger's Cat (click the link to get the details). I have three possible results:

1. "I've decided	A: we really are done"
	B: Lets get serious and work out our problems"
or
2. "I'm not sure yet, but I could file the final divorce papers next week."

The story of the Cat indicates that, since I have no clue as to the final result, all three answers exist at the same time, until Mrs. Ray tells me what's up!

Free Fall #2

2006-12-28T16:49:00.000-06:00

The more I think about Mrs. Ray's and my situation while she's out of town, the better I feel about reconciliation.

I pray a lot, read some information on the Internet ("Fount of all knowledge" isn't it? Just how much of that knowledge is, you know, valid?), pray some more, do every-day things. Being a teacher has its advantages - all this time off!

I could just keep this feeling to myself but I'm posting a record of it. Otherwise, how would I (and you, dear reader) know if my hunch, or Word from God (seriously), will be true in the future? Whatever the outcome when Mrs. Ray returns, if I said "I knew that!" at that time, how would anyone else know that I knew? For a better explanation of this, read this scene (the poison wine) from Princess Bride.

Free Fall #1

2006-12-28T00:40:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Ray's visiting her son, daughter in law and grandson out of state for a week and a half. She's out of her normal neighborhood. She has a whole new set of relatives to bounce things off of. I expect very little communication between now and her return. (She asked me to pick her up at the airport.)

At the moment, I feel this "retreat" away from here might be a good thing. I'm feeling confident. (We'll just wait and see, right?) That doesn't mean I stop praying & educating myself. I think I bought half the "Marriage in Crisis" titles at Focus on the Family. Our counselor is off till the new year.

That's why I'm calling this entry "Free Fall", not from falling anywhere or failure, but we're just not making much new progress, and nothing much to "grab a-hold of". I just wanted to record my feelings about the future here, and then we'll watch the outcome in a few weeks.

A link worth following

2006-12-26T23:35:00.000-06:00

In an idle blog search, I ran across Glass Gloves, written by a man who did manage to save his marriage when it was at the "there was nothing I could do or say to change her mind about the big D word" stage.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-26T00:17:00.000-06:00

A friend from church invited me over for his family Christmas feast/get together. Though I really didn't need to do something special for Christmas day, it was great to be among friends on this day of family doings.

Even though my family (Mrs. Ray) is not here, I do celebrate the Greatest Gift of All: God's love (John 3:16) through His Son, Jesus. God is the source of all love which we as His children can share and reflect to others.

Dinner chez Ray

2006-12-24T21:21:00.000-06:00

We had planned a Christmas eve together. I cooked pot roast. We talked a while. Mrs. Ray reminded me that talking and sex does not really mean there’s reconciliation in our joint future. I reminded her that I suggested that we do nothing about getting together until after her trip to the Midwest. I also told her I truly didn’t know what to think after our two wild trysts in the sack.

I think she did appreciate some of the things I said. I tried to break her of the assumption that I have these little narrow concepts (like I follow strictly the Southern Baptist doctrine). That is not the case!! But it’s hard to explain to her, much less my dear readers.

As we parted, she did ask me if I could possibly get her at the airport when she comes back. Duhhh!

My patience is wearing thin, though. God in His Time can take the time, and it is truly necessary. But this puny human writer here is getting worn ragged by the waiting. More and more often I have fantasies of what I’ll do when I realize Mrs. Ray is truly gone. This is not my desire, of course, but it will just be devastating. My thoughts turn evil at this time, but I have clung to God’s mercy and love to keep from “going there”.

Tomorrow Mrs. Ray travels to the Midwest. My prayers are that the change of location & people will help her work things out. I will be intensely praying that the relatives there will help her see more clearly what she will be walking out of.

(I don’t think Mrs. Ray's son back east, not to speak of her uncles back there, will be so forceful – more of the “Well, you need to do what’s right by yourself, you know….” instead of the “You go girl! You can do it!” variety. I think her daughter, who has “survived” and prospered exactly this kind of separation & divorce has been a huge influence on Mrs. Ray.)

I have a theory that the more Mrs. Ray brings up the fact that she hasn't decided to get back together, the better the chances are that she will. She brought up the "ain't necessarily so" herself tonight. Also, there's no reason for me to protest anything at all, as that will just help to justify her own decision.

Not Budging

2006-12-22T23:49:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Ray came over tonight, “to play with the animals” - two dogs & three cats. We went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. She told me she liked the faster pace in speaking with the counselor when it’s one-on-one. She said the counselor told her to lay off the intimacy. We both agreed that would be a good thing.

I have been officially served with divorce papers. The clock starts ticking to 30 days, then Mrs. Ray is able to begin the proceedings. In talking with her, I think she may wait 60 days to see if there’s any hope. Sheesh!

I pointed out how I am learning to not be so caring (smothering). I told her that when we went grocery shopping Monday (See Dec. 18 “Starting on the Long Road” entry) I made an effort to not be so helpful. I could have spouted off on many things as she shopped for her own stuff, but I did not. (She admitted that I did seem rather quiet at the time.) I began with these “baby steps” to pull back from controlling things. I think she did appreciate what I am doing in changing my self.

I had debated whether to bring up the next subject, as it is the most hurtful (to me) piece of information I have shared with Mrs. Ray. (The “Betrayal” of December 14) But I told her how painful it was to open up this subject when I originally shared it with her. That did not affect her. Still, I had originally hidden (not told her) some information that I should have been forthcoming with early on in our relationship. Regardless of how I felt in sharing my most embarrassing thing, which I had asked for forgiveness from God and repented of, Mrs. Ray still finds it necessary to use this information against me, to the point I believe she will be sharing this with her relatives in Arkansas. I was certainly like I described once (I don’t deny living with the other woman), but that is not how I am now, or in the last 15 years. Essentially, Mrs. Ray said, “tough, you hid important information from me.”

Well, that discussion ended (with no satisfaction on my part). After a bit, Mrs. Ray took her leave, with plans for Christmas Eve (two days away) still depending on her daughter’s schedule.

Something's Missing

2006-12-22T07:30:00.000-06:00

Somewhere in the middle of the night, I got up to use the bathroom. When I got back in bed, I was really conscious that the other half of the bed was empty. I cried and began praying for our marriage.

Mid Week. Kinda waiting.

2006-12-20T21:50:00.000-06:00

Tuesday, Mrs. Ray ended up with tickets to a concert by a reasonably well known Christian Group . “How many tickets?” you ask. “Two,” I state flatly. “OK, who went with Mrs. Ray?” you continue. I riposte, “Three guesses, the first two don’t count”. It was a great Christmas show, with some of the group's top standards and new singles thrown in.

Glad we went. Back at my house, Mrs. Ray sat down on the couch to straighten something out. She pointed out that in the sex department (see previous blog posting), we have no problems. But we will not go down that road and muddy the waters as we both try to think clearly about our relationship.

I had been very explicit in telling Mrs. Ray she had complete control over what & how far we went in intimacy, so I have no argument with this decision. Though we both enjoy these activities, it does not make a good foundation for a solid marriage.

This is Wednesday night. Mrs. Ray had agreed to go to our/my counselor to help get to the bottom of my issues. As the appointment time arrived, I went into a deep prayer with God. I made a point to begin a real, deep prayer session during the counseling time. This is mostly symbolic, as God does not need to work in our time zone. I thanked God that He has surrounded me with caring friends, both at work and in church. I thanked God that He did originally put Mrs. Ray & me together. (We had lived 125 miles apart, and had no reason whatsoever to meet, except for the internet dating service we both used.) I prayed for both the counselor and Mrs. Ray to gain God’s wisdom. I again prayed directly for healing in our marriage. I pray for both Mrs. Ray and I, that we both are able to see each other as worthy spouses.

I have specifically decided that I will not make any references to the counseling session, or ask Mrs. Ray about it. If she volunteers,, OK, but it comes down to none of my business, in a way.

Starting on the Long Road

2006-12-18T23:45:00.000-06:00

Since Friday night, Glaciers have moved. Trees have added millimeters to their height. Mrs. Ray and I have grown closer (again!).

Saturday was just another day. Sunday Mrs. Ray and I went to see Casino Royale. Bond reborn. Nice to see James without the Roger Moore tongue in cheek. Pierce was nice, but Daniel Craig is Bond.

Monday, I took it upon myself to take over some cottage cheese & pineapple we had agreed to split. (Costco portions are really too big for one!) Had dinner, shopped at the grocery. Went to Mrs. Ray’s apartment. Looks like it may be a regular thing to end up on the couch smooching. I’m not complaining, but I do want to play fair with Mrs. Ray’s decision making. But, if she’s willing, I’ll employ such Dark Arts as I have at my disposal, if you know what I mean!

Mrs. Ray admits she does look forward to being together with me. I think it’s partly that at the moment we do not see “marriage bonds” tying us together. This releases some of the pressure of the situation. This is good news, though I never want to force her hand to drop the idea of leaving me. (She still claims the right to complete the divorce proceedings and leave.) That is something she needs to do on her own.

I discuss with Mrs. Ray my tendency to be helpful, offer advice, and try to get things done the “correct” (i.e., my) way. I realize I have been smothering Mrs. Ray with care & concern and advice. This is not good. I want to change that. Maybe this is one of the factors that caused Mrs. Ray to bolt. She's a big girl now, and maybe doesn't need this kind of help. I want to work on this. Becoming conscious of a problem is a major step in finding a solution. That’s what I’m looking for.

Mrs. Ray sent me an email Saturday night. I call it a confessional. There are many thoughts in there, almost random, that help me understand her pain and frustration. I’m glad she sent it:

I couldn't go to sleep until after 1:00 in the morning last [Friday] night, because of thinking and praying. My mind was going 100 miles an hour. I am at the same time to scared and also "cautiously optimistic". I do think there is a chance we can work things out, but I know there is also a chance we will not, and I really fear hurting each other even more than has happened already. I don't want to hurt you, but I also know I have been very unhappy and I don't want to just put myself back into the same spot.

The message goes on for about a page, unloading lots of fears and hopes. This is the kind of thing that helps me understand Mrs. Ray, and tells me what I must do to help get our marriage back together. In some ways I am back to the Squirrel in the Park (not moving), but again I need to be very careful in taking proactive action to do some repair work. This is still my life’s Great Work. There is much I need to be conscious of, as I carefully, gingerly, bring Mrs. Ray back to our marriage. No, I am not manipulating anyone. Manipulation works to a point, but when the mark’s eyes are opened, it’s seen as a double cross. I need Mrs. Ray to return to her husband with a clear conscience and by her own well thought out choice. That’s the way to make things permanent.

I suggested that we have a little mutual prayer whenever we are together. Mrs. Ray agreed. I believe this will firstly invite God into our relationship, and secondly allow us to hear the other’s hopes and prayers. I want to continue these prayers, well, for the rest of our lives. Mrs. Ray agreed. I think she likes it, too.

Last Night at Panda Express

2006-12-16T09:34:00.000-06:00

Nearly forgot this:
After our discussion, we went out for a bite of dinner. Check out my "Fortune":

Turning Point

2006-12-16T01:15:00.000-06:00

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Yesterday, Mrs. Ray called & left a message on the answer machine:

“Hi, just me. No, I haven’t locked myself out of the house. I’m not having a crisis. I did want to talk to you, though. I have something I want to pose to you. So either later tonight or maybe tomorrow evening sometime, give me a call. I’ll talk to you then. G’bye.”

I began thinking she wanted some kind of arrangement where Mrs. Ray would try to have her cake and eat it too. I expected I’d have to be tough, and remind her she’s moving out to be on her own again. I waited till tonight to call back.

She wanted to meet tonight, “your place or mine”. I said I couldn’t tonight, how about tomorrow (Saturday) for breakfast at a restaurant.

She countered, “I want to get your advice on selling my car. And we need to talk a bit about the divorce paperwork. I think we should be alone to discuss these things.”

“Well, I’m going out with some friends to see a movie.” I replied. (Going to a show – true. With friends – false)

“Well, OK, but I need to be somewhere tomorrow at 10 o’clock,” Which would have given us a limited time to talk.

"Well, that's OK. I'll see you tomorrow morning. Good bye." I turned to prayer. Not to decide whether tonight or tomorrow, but in preparation for talking with Mrs. Ray. However, I did get the distinct conviction that I should talk with Mrs. Ray tonight. I called her back, and said I’ll change my plans & be over in a little while.

In a little while, I knocked on her apartment door. She invited me in, and went to the couch to sit down. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir was singing Christmas music in the background. I sat on the other end of the couch. (One of the few sittable objects in her apartment so far.)

We talked about the car. We talked about the divorce paperwork. The Choir continued to sing.

Then Mrs. Ray said something like this (not really a quote, but a decent reconstruction thereof): “I was thinking about our situation. If there’s too much water under the bridge, I’ll understand. But I’d like to know if you might consider working together on our issues, and see if we can get this marriage back together again.”

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir music filled in the silence. I looked down. I looked Mrs. Ray in the eyes. I looked down. Tears began slowly making their way down my cheeks. The choir sang on. Again, I looked up at Mrs. Ray. All I could say was, “I hear angels singing.”

“Mrs. Ray, I have not ever given up on our marriage. I am so happy to hear this from you. There will never be enough water under the bridge to make me give up on our marriage. Yes, we do have issues; some will be very hard to work out. But I have dedicated myself and my life recently to making our marriage to continue.”

Mrs. Ray was relieved at my answer. After a bit more talk, she asked if we could hug. We clung tightly to each other on the couch. The Choir sang a bit more, and then the CD ran out of music. Our music kept on. We began kissing. It got more intense. I whispered softly, “Do you know what you’re doing?”

After a moment, Mrs. Ray looked at me with a smile, and with a silly look shook her head.

Fade to black

We both agreed to continue with the counselor. We do need professional help in some areas, but Mrs. Ray and I both have set off on the course I have prayed so intently and exhaustively for. Over the next few months we will work out the harder issues with God’s and the counselor’s help.

I will continue this blog as we reach a meeting point for our relationship. Keep praying.

Some Reflection.

2006-12-14T22:50:00.000-06:00

Dear Mrs. Ray,

After lots of reflection, maybe I was too overbearing in many ways. Not in a directly controlling way, but in making sure things got done in a certain way, for example, and in covering you with too much love and care. This is hard to explain, but something I was doing smothered you until you felt trapped in this marriage. Not ever did I want to treat you this way, but it was a reaction between our personalities that resulted in these feelings. I know you had spent years living independently. I know you have no problem stepping out again, alone, this way.

What can I, and we, do to fix this? I think the main thing is to identify the problem. For months I have been tearing myself apart trying to find the fault in me. Today maybe I came to a conclusion that heads us in the right direction.

Love,

Your Husband, Ray

Betrayal

2006-12-14T22:21:00.000-06:00

I have never in my life felt so angry, betrayed and screwed. I threw a plastic coat hanger across the room. It smashed against the wall. I yelled "shit!" and "fuck!" many times. For me and my mellowness, this is nearly the same as punching a hole through a wall and throwing the mattress out the door. (I just never really get mad, I thought.)

I had found an email sent only 4 days ago that Mrs. Ray had sent to several friends, announcing our impending divorce. No, that's not what set me off. It was this sentence: "Without going into the gory details [the usual cliché set-up] I had found out some things after I married Ray that would have changed my mind had I known about them prior....

Here's the "gory details": There was a period in my life I am embarrassed to talk about. When I ended my first marriage (I did the divorce – this is not news) I emotionally ended it, but took nearly a year to get the paperwork started. In the meantime, (gory details ahead) I hooked up with a single mother. So, in a sense I was committing adultery. I even lived with her for maybe 6 months. We were an item for about 18 months total. There’s more details I told Mrs. Ray, but you get the idea.

Now, Mrs. Ray knew there was a period of my life I did not want to talk about. Not long after this lady and I broke up, I became embarrassed that I actually lived this way. It is embarrassing now. (I’m placing it in the blog since this is anonymous.) I did not want to tell Mrs. Ray more details, but to encourage honesty, I did fill these in. Now this all happened 20 years ago. I have changed my life quite a bit since then, including becoming more active in church and increasing my church worship and support, including a rededication and re-baptism. But now that period has become a huge lie I have covered up, and Mrs. Ray wants to take me to the mat with it.

When I discovered this piece of her rationalization, I felt betrayed like I never had before. This was the most sensitive thing I have kept in me. I thought I could open up to my wife, to encourage her to know I am being honest. From the beginning, I did not hide it for treachery, I hid if for embarrassment. And 20 years’ of water under the bridge, a lifestyle change (back to church), and living with a wife I am utterly devoted to, never wanting to wander. I am betrayed.

I don’t know how I’ll be able to talk to Mrs. Ray right now. I am so angry she is using this against me now. Yes, I still love Mrs. Ray. Yes, I am working to get Mrs. Ray back as my wife. Yes, I will speak with her again, Yes, I still dream of Mr. and Mrs. Ray enjoying each other and the life God has granted us.

An Emergency

2006-12-14T08:30:00.000-06:00

Around 11 o'clock Wednesday night, Mrs. Ray called. She was locked out of her apartment. Late at night, there's no management to get her in. She called to see if she could stay with me. (Knowing there's only one bed in the house now.)

She came over, stopping at Wal-mart on the way to get a fresh shirt for the next day. She came in, dropped her things on the table, and started crying. I have never heard her cry this way before. I guided her to the couch, hugged her tightly while she let it out.

After calming down a bit, Mrs. Ray said, "My whole world is spinning out of control! I have problems with my new computer, I have locked myself out of my car, and now my apartment, I need to meet service people and take a day off work. I was only able to see my daughter for a few hours last Saturday. I can't contact anyone at church [I think because I go there.] In my pride, I wanted to go to a hotel, but it wasn't worth $50 for five hours' sleep, so I called you. And I am leaving you because of trust issues, your vindictiveness, [and some things I can't remember.] But you're the only one who's been nice to me!"

After a little more conversation, I invited her to come to bed. This time we were both in our underpants, though other go-to-bed activities were as if we were still married. (bathroom, state of undress, etc.) I offered, and Mrs. Ray accepted, a back & leg massage to help her relax. We went to bed. We hugged a bit, and then went to sleep. In the morning, my alarm went off. I moved over to Mrs. Ray to spoon some. I saw her body move & adjust so we could "get a good fit." And I’m the man she’s leaving.

I reminded her that we had promised each other that if there was an emergency, to call. I had no problem at any hour to give her a hand. Even if she had called to ask me to come over to her apartment to move something so late, I would be there for her.

We got up. Mrs. Ray took a shower, and there was no issue when I brought her coffee while she was still behind the clear glass shower doors.

I made a point (to myself) to leave very early, so she was in the house alone, to lock it up before leaving.

A Dog's Night Out

2006-12-12T22:31:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Ray wanted to get Christmas pictures of Santa with our dogs. She had asked me to bring them to the mall tonight for photos. Before I left, she called to say there was a delay because 1) The computer store needed her battery charger (a 20 mile round trip) and 2) she accidentally locked herself out of her car. Had to call & wait for AAA.

After all this was taken care of, she called me again, and we met at the mall. Santa looked cute with two dogs in his lap! Mrs. Ray hadn’t eaten, so we went to a local restaurant to nibble on an appetizer together. Conversation was friendly. Mrs. Ray talked about her internet setup problems (Cable company: “It’s your computer!” Computer store: “It’s your internet provider!” This finger pointing has been going on since the beginning of the Personal Computer Age!) Also, her frustration of being locked out of her own car.

Then she looked at me and asked, “How are you doing?” with real concern over how I am handling living alone. Playing cards close to the vest, I said, “I’m OK. And you?”, which got the same plain-vanilla reply.

After a pleasant light dinner, I followed advice I had been given, and suddenly called it a night – had to go home & work up a lesson for tomorrow. The advice is that I end any visit on my terms and my time, instead of waiting for Mrs. Ray to “let me go”.

Mrs. Ray was surprised at the rush, but accepted my excuse.

Starting the Next Chapter - moved out now.

2006-12-11T01:21:00.000-06:00

Ahh, Sundays. Sunday School/Bible study and church in the morning, then home to watch Mrs. Ray move some stuff out.

In Sunday School we are looking at to he beatitudes, and today it’s “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (again, coincidence???) The “Comforted” here is actually a Greek word used for the Holy Spirit. God sends His Holy Spirit to be next to you and help out. I really feel that, these days. And the friends you have in church are totally different form friends any where else. I have no problem talking to my church friends about my feelings, and they have no problem getting down and praying with me.

Meanwhile, back at the homestead, Mrs. Ray is picking up a few things, then will come back later to watch the final episode of Amazing Race with me. We watch together on the couch. After the show, I bring out a housewarming gift for my moving-out spouse: a toaster oven. She’s been looking for one to make her breakfast in the morning. She thanks me. I mention that I think a lot of her (I meant to say I think highly of her, but she took it as I’m missing her - true enough but not what I was trying to say.)

She then told me she thinks of me, too, but I need to realize it won’t be in the old (as in married) way any more. We’re friends, see? I let that slide by.

Some thoughts on Why I’m Doing This

OK, this weekend I helped my wife move out. I spend Friday evening and almost all day Saturday getting her situated. I will be doing more things in the next week or two to help her. Get some tools for her own tool kit, set up the TV and computer system, maybe even help get pictures on the wall.

“Nutcase!” sez you. “If you are so dead set against the divorce, to the point you told her you won’t lift a finger to help her move, or give her a nickel in financial support, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING GETTING HER MOVED OUT?!?!?!?”

Yes, I am 2000% against this divorce. But In California, it’s just a matter of paperwork (and $320) to legally dissolve a marriage. I said before that if I fought this thing at all, it would only strain what relationship we now have to the breaking point. Since I am working and praying my butt off (so to speak) to salvage this marriage, I need to continue in Mrs. Ray’s good graces, eh? My deadline for this operation is June, when school ends, and Mrs. Ray expects to move to another state (and away from me). I have to keep rapprochement channels open and working as much as I can.

Under God, I see no reason for the breakup. Yes, Mrs. Ray and I have issues. But I really see our marriage at several levels: 1. God’s second gift to Man and Woman: lifetime companionship. 2. God is love. What better way for God to allow us enjoy love than to share it with your life-mate? 3. Marriage is a picture of Christ’s relationship with His church. Marriage is good, holy and, to me at least, sacred. It should not be entered into lightly. In fact, six years ago when Mrs. Ray and I were realizing that marriage was where we were headed, I told her to be “damn sure” about our relationship. I’m still damn sure!

Home Alone

2006-12-09T22:32:00.000-06:00

So she’s gone. Moved out, to her new apartment. I moved most of the stuff myself. Took Friday evening (previous blog entry) and most of Saturday. Mrs. Ray has started on her independent life now, similar to the several years living alone before we were married.

I have spoken with two friends and told them how much I helped. They couldn’t believe it. Although every cell of my body does not want to participate in a divorce, I feel this was the best route with Mrs. Ray. If I did refuse to help, that would only build a barrier between us. Then communication would be sparse and strained. I have only six months to accomplish marriage repair, as Mrs. Ray is planning to move out of state in the spring.

Her desire is that we should remain “friends”. (My personal reply: “Uh huh. But what about the last six years?”) If I have any hope at all in rebuilding this marriage (and I have to do all the work right now) I must be on regular friendly contact with Mrs. Ray. No, not on a daily, or even a weekly basis, but I need to be welcomed whenever we do manage to contact each other.

Mrs. Ray was surprised at how much time and work I spent in moving her stuff. She was truly grateful. When she left “our” house for the last time tonight, she asked if I would give her a hug. (From her to me, that’s such a silly question!!) Nice hug. I appreciate all the Mrs.Ray-hugs I can get these days!

In prayer over the last few days, I have been focusing on our marriage as God’s second Gift to Man (after giving us life.) It is also a picture of the relationship of Jesus to His Church of believers. Marriage is a very sacred concept for me. I feel I stand on solid ground to ask God to aid me in getting Mrs. Ray by my side again. I am not of the “Husband is Head of Household – the Bible says women should be silent” school. My desire is to share the life and world God has given us for our enjoyment. I seek God’s guidance in getting what I feel could be a great marriage back together.

True Mrs. Ray and I do have issues, but I have called this pursuit of my marriage my life’s Great Work. A very direct piece of wisdom I believe God has laid on my heart is “Be Pure To Your Wife” The way I heard it in my heart makes this actually easy to follow. And it’s so short and direct it won’t be hard to forget. For me, no eye shall stray. No loneliness will find comfort in the arms of another. No thoughts of the companionship of others will be dwelt upon. No further corny stilted language, OK?

As I write this, my faith and hope are strong. This is amazing. I really do look forward to a good future. (Note from the Grain Of Salt dept.: The future hasn’t happened yet.)

One more night

2006-12-09T08:23:00.000-06:00

Friday, with all the moving and packing, Mrs. Ray realized that she would not get the truck loaded, moved to the apartment, unloaded and the bed set up in time. I broached the subject that she could sleep in "our" bed, and spend Saturday moving into the apartment. I think she had already come to that conclusion herself. She said yes.

We finished loading the truck. I took a shower. Mrs. Ray came into the room. She did her usual getting-ready-for-bed things, then got into bed. With the man she was leaving. We rolled together and hugged for a few minutes. (wonderful feeling I will miss!!)

She started out saying that she still cares for me. I said I certainly care for her, too. Mrs. Ray continued, if there was any emergency, that I shouldn't be afraid to call her, if she could help out in any way. Her desire is to maintain contact and friendship.

(My feeling is that Mrs. Ray still has true feelings for me. There's just some issues that have forced her to move away.) I asked her to help me in working things out for myself - to be frank and directly honest with me as I tried to clear things up. She agreed to do that.

Parting ways. Well, in a way...

2006-12-08T00:26:00.000-06:00

It’s Thursday night. Tomorrow Mrs. Ray will begin the move to her new apartment. It’s our last night to stay in the same house together after over six years. I asked Mrs. Ray to sit with me on the couch and chat for a bit. The day was done, so we moved to the living room for a talk.

I opened with “Thank you”. (Answered with a smile.) I mentioned how the intense self examination I had been going through has helped me to better understand myself. I (again) apologized for one of the Final Incidents, leaving her in the parking lot of a drug store. (No – her car was in the lot, but I was going to take her for dinner. Beyond this note, don’t wreck the current story.) We chatted of good times, of bad times.

She began talking about how in the last few years things began building up inside her. She tried to deal with them, but then the issues just got too large and out of hand. Mrs. Ray mentioned the sex issue here. I told her I was devastated when I found out her true feelings. I told her I never ever wanted to take advantage of her.

I promised Mrs. Ray that I would not go about "painting" her in a bad light. She was still shocked that I did return to the church that I said I did not want to go to.

I explained how I came around from NOT WANTING TO HELP IN MY OWN DIVORCE to helping her move out, and even promising to help her with the rent. We both agreed that we still needed to be on good terms, even after Mrs. Ray makes her planned move out of state.

We spoke softly of some other things, and overall I think the time was very valuable to both of us. We ended with a hug and a kiss or two.

I had prayed intensely just before this time, asking God to fill me with His spirit, and not allow me to say anything that would mess things up (again). God did answer this prayer! My desire has not changed. I pray that Mrs. Ray would see me worthy as her husband under God’s grace and love. I am not giving up on this. I am in constant prayer, and keep other prayer partners updated. I cannot see that we should break a marriage that both of us agreed at one time was definitely of God.

We both are at peace now. (I, as much as I can be, since my wife is moving out!) I will have another prayer time in a few minutes when I go to bed. I love Mrs. Ray still. I wish we could continue together as Husband and Wife.

Why would I be excited?

2006-12-07T01:07:00.000-06:00

We had problems with some key-chain garage door openers. Mrs. Ray could not easily open & drive into the garage. I upgraded to two better transmitters. I called her to ask her to call me when she got near the house so I could open the garage. Later we planned to meet at a store before she got home, so I brought her a new opener.

When she got home, she drove into the garage and parked. Later she said something like "I know you are excited that I can park in the garage again, but there's now too much stuff in there to get into & out of the car easily. Tomorrow I'll just park outside."

I said I didn't feel particularly excited about her parking in the garage. She pointed out that I made the special effort to get her the new opener before she got home. I said, "OK", but hat it wasn't really exciting.

Near bed time, I "had" to ask her how I seemed to be excited when I didn't feel that way. She came to her bedroom door. I asked why she felt I was excited about the controllers. She rattled off 1) the phone call about getting the controls and 2) that I brought the control out to her, so I certainly was excited that she could park in the garage again. Mrs. Ray did not want me to be disappointed that she was not going to be parking inside the garage tomorrow. I denied the excitement and told her that where she parked was not my concern.

But she insisted that I was excited. (At this time I began trying what I felt were some of her discussion tactics) I asked her not to project things so strongly and not to jump to conclusions so easily. She said, but I was excited because I made the phone call and took the control out to her.

I pointed out once more that she had already told me those things, and they do not need repeating. I was not excited a bit about finishing a job like that. This made her mad. She said "I'm done" and closed her bedroom door. Good night.

I felt uncomfortable in this exchange. Yes, I wanted to turn the tables and try her own tactics on Mrs. Ray. She has sometimes told me not to repeat the obvious. When I asked her to stop that same thing, she got mad. Now I know. I have asked her to stop jumping to conclusions, as they are more often than not incorrect - most recently on the Big Fight Night.

These last few days I have still felt strongly that there is definitely hope in the future. I also know this is a real high-wire act - no net. I cannot do it on my own. I need God's help, as whatever I do on my own still messes things up. My prayer life has grown exponentially. My prayers have definitely changed, though the goal is still the same.

Out of Tune Communication

2006-12-05T23:53:00.000-06:00

Tonight we talked with a Realtor to put our house on the market. Mrs. Ray will be moving out this weekend, and I'll stay here to keep the Home Fires burning or something.

Afterward we went to dinner together, where I offered to split Mrs. Ray's apartment rent as well as split the house payment. (Before, I did not want to help Mrs. Ray with her moving out expenses.) Later at home, she asked me for more details. I began to explain.

Somewhere in the process, Mrs. Ray got the idea I was trying to wrangle her to pay me more money. She became vary angry. I tried to point out that was certainly not the case. I told her that I was being very honest and open here, and did not want to hurt her in any way (including financially). As I tried to explain my idea, I began with the background to it. But she kept telling me to get to the point. Mrs. Ray became angry - and she nearly walked out - that I just would not get to the point. Later I admitted to her that I was afraid that if I just blurted out my proposal (to average her rents with the free months' rent she would get) she would think I was ripping her off. Again, wrongola.

Then she did tell me she would have understood "I will pay half of your rent, too," or words to that effect. I apologized to her for the long winded explanation. This miscommunication by way of different ways to view the same concept has been getting both of us into arguments for a long time. This is one of the things I really wish we could iron out. Even if we weren't married, the problems we have in this respect do not help matters.

Conversations

2006-12-04T00:05:00.000-06:00

Tonight I sat with Mrs. Ray on the couch. I wanted to bring up the Big Night when I told her to "Shut Up!" and pushed her back into her chair when she tried to get up to leave. (The proverbial straw on the camel's back episode.)

I pointed out that I had never ever done anything like that before (true), and she knows I never did that to her in the entire time we've known each other. I just needed to get it off my chest how bad I felt. (No, it would not make "things" better now.) Mrs. Ray did accept my apology. We talked about many things. How I've been acting this way (controlling, manipulative, road raging, etc.) for many years. I told her I had always taken those comments (as she pointed out my faults) to heart and searched within to find the root of the problem. I don't know....

Another example from tonight: Mrs.Ray's looking to buy a laptop to use as her main computer. She is now using a desk model I built (matches the one I use now!). I suggested she keep that one till maybe February, and delay the expense of buying a new computer for a few months. No! She wants to get a new laptop now and not have to mess with moving the desktop machine. I told her it was not that I disagreed with getting a new computer, but just to get by a time of high expenses. I gave up trying to persuade her to wait. She considers my persuasive effort to be a controlling tactic.

The talk was rather cathartic for me, and for Mrs. Ray I suppose. She could not get over that on Sunday when she came back home from her daughter's that I was going to cooperate, then two days later I said I could not "help out" in my own divorce. This did not help my trust quotient with her. I still feel that way, but I did say I would pay half the paralegal's expenses after all.

I think this talk helped lighten the tension between us. In my heart, I still do not want to give up. Especially after today in church and with the Bible study group, I want to continue my Life's Great Work. I love Mrs. Ray now, and desire to make myself appealing in her eye again. God grant His perfect mercy for both of us to reconcile the marriage He gave us.

A Life's Great Work

2006-12-03T21:29:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I got the Nolo book, How to Do Your Own Divorce in California. An excellent resource to whether do your own work, or at least know better how it all works. The books is very complete and matter of fact. Yes, in California, all you need to do is pay $320, file the papers, and about 6 months later it's official. True, I had better know what's going on, and be informed on some decisions. I read much of it this morning in bed, and cried.

Today after church I attended a small group that meets for lunch and Bible study at a local restaurant. All the people there have known Mrs. Ray since high school, and me for the several years we have lived in town. They knew some of what was going on, and I announced Mrs. Ray was moving to her own place next weekend. In prayer (along with other prayer things), there was no dry eye. They are all stunned, and sorry for the situation. Mrs. Ray told me that I'd "be the one they all feel sorry for". That's not the case. They feel sorry for both of us, as the breakup is a tragedy.

Since this morning (in prayer) I came to see a mission of sorts: our marriage will be my Life's Great Work. Mrs. Ray, as I write this, is set on a course to walk out of this marriage. She has her reasons, which she feels are valid, though Pastor Jim (after talking with her) feels the biggest problem is "Annoyance".

Many people are praying for our relationship. I am doing my absolute level best to follow God's leading in all I do and say around Mrs. Ray. This is a long, L-O-N-G row to hoe. Frankly, I don't see a good end. But todays sermon was on HOPE. Coincidence??????

As we interact, Mrs. Ray now seems to distance herself whenever it is possible. I have offered to help her move Friday and Saturday. That's OK, but when her daughter comes over Saturday afternoon, I should try to make myself scarce. I offered to look at her daughters brakes, and even do the brake job, but that's too presumptuous of me. I am sooo helpful when I can use my skills for the benefit of others. It pains me when I am turned down for things like this.

My prayer now is to keep on keeping on.
What I want for Christmas? My wife.
Will my Life's Great Work be successful? If I knew, I wouldn't be writing this blog.
Do I have faith that God can work this out? My faith is weak right now, it goes up and down.
Do I have Hope? That is all I have, and it wavers, also.

Whiplash

2006-12-02T22:48:00.000-06:00

This afternoon we went to see the movie déjà vu. Pretty good actioner. I felt good with Mrs. Ray the whole time. We stopped for a bit of Mexican dinner, and when home to begin carving up December's bills. (Since we are splitting, there's a few "daily living" type items we need to pay each other for. After this we're each on our own for these.)
Suddenly Mrs. Ray's and my communication begins to break down. We talk about individual bills, and I set up a spreadsheet with everything laid out - who pays who for what bill. But Mrs. Ray is upset because she thought all the bills were settled except for the big charge card we always use. I have an MBA, and have dealt with charts & spreadsheets for years. But Mrs. Ray still wants to do one account at a time. (OK, there's a communication problem here, but I'm doing my best to represent Mrs. Ray's idea.) Now, she's irritated/frustrated, and I am too (from the opposite side of the same problem!) So much for a peaceful evening.
I still pray that God would inform my thoughts and actions with Mrs. Ray.
[Update: Mrs. Ray manually added up everything and it all worked out. Whew!]

A prayer

2006-12-02T16:05:00.000-06:00

This is my prayer. Being an anonymous blog, I am not embarrassed to open my innermost thoughts here. I only post it here that you may pray with me, if you choose to.

Dear God, my prayer is that you heal our marriage. Heal me that my wife may find me acceptable. Heal my wife that any hurts I have caused can be forgiven. Heal our marriage that the beautiful thing you have granted us in your sight might glorify your Name. That we together may share the world you have given Man. That we may share our lives and bodies as you designed marriage to be.

Please guide my thoughts and actions that I will be able to reach out to Mrs. Ray, and that she might realize what it is she is walking away from. I have no remedy of my own that will work. I depend on you, oh God, for I have nothing that will work here. Only Your Wisdom and Love will work here.

God, I realize your time is not of our understanding. But my heart is broken now, and the pain is great. Please carry me forward, as I am completely exhausted in my emotions. I also consider “quitting”, but I desire to continue as long as any tiny shred of hope remains. Please allow me to touch Mrs. Ray’s heart again, that we might come together and worship your Holy Name once more.

Reaching My Summit

2006-12-02T10:48:00.000-06:00

Last night I was out till about 8:30 getting more work done on my tattoo. (Follow that in my MySpace blog.) Came home, Mrs. Ray was dinking on her computer, looking for a Laptop to buy. We chatted, everything seemed to be OK. Just like she wants.

I watched a show on Discovery called "Everest: Beyond the Limit". One climber, still a few days' climb form the top, "hit a wall". His dream since he was 8 years old had been to climb Mt. Everest. He was so close to realizing his dream, yet he knew he could not take another step. He turned back. In this show we see him coming to grips with the end of a dream. Was it failure? He called that turning point his personal summit. Had he continued, he certainly would have died. (The summit of Everest is called "The Death Zone" for a reason.) Now he will live with the mixed result of failing (?) his dream, but more importantly recognizing his true limits. There is satisfaction in knowing when to turn back.

This morning I went to have breakfast & talk with our pastor. "Jim" (not his real name, or is it?) has known Mrs. Ray for years. He knew about her past marriage and its breakup. He is an excellent sounding board for me - listening, offering ideas, providing Biblical wisdom, but not offering advice.

We talked about my emotional exhaustion (to the point my prayers are simply repeating "help me God" over and over. I wondered about the support I read in James 1:2 that life's troubles are how God prepares you for receiving God's wisdom. Whew!! We talked about, in exhaustion I might just give up. We talked about how I felt that Marriage is God's second gift to Man (after He gave us life, he gave us companionship.) That Marriage is a picture of Jesus' relationship with His Church. Jim pointed out that God told Hosea to marry a prostitute. (No, Mrs. Ray is no prostitute. But Hosea's wife left him, and he went to look for (and found) her again.)

I am afraid for the future. No way do I want to give up on Mrs. Ray. But, like the Everest climber, for practical reasons reaching my own personal summit might just be a matter of survival.

Ringing Falsely

2006-11-29T23:35:00.000-06:00

In the moment Sunday evening when I was so stupidly helpful to Mrs. Ray's desire to end our marriage, I has suggested that she remove her wedding and engagement rings. I removed mine. The next morning I realized what I had done, and continued to wear the symbol of my Promise to Mrs. Ray under God. Mrs. Ray kept her hand ring free.
This evening, I noticed a flash of gold on Mrs. Ray's left ring finger. For a brief instant, I was happy that she wasn't showing her distaste for our marriage that way. Then I took another look - she has put some other ring (even has some diamond flashes on it) in place of the rings that I had given her six years ago.
Well, in the emotional state I'm in, it would have felt better if someone had just kicked the living tar out of me.
I feel prayed out. (my prayers to God have just become repeating "Help me please!" over and over.) I am emotionally exhausted. I still cannot let go of my marriage. Even though Mrs. Ray might give up, I still want to find the underlying problem (whether it's in me or Mrs. Ray)

Getting to look a lot like It's Over

2006-11-28T23:36:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Ray told me tonight she is moving out in the next week or so. Somehow "control" pops up on the conversation, as in "You don't have control over this situation, and it drives you nuts!" OK, I don't have control. And it drives me nuts. But not from a control freak point of view, but from a My Marriage Is Ending And I Don't Want It To point of view.

I pray nearly all the time. I'm "prayed out" or exhausted or out of gas. No, not "or", but "and" all these things. I so desperately want my wife to be with me, but this seems to be a decision she's made that she won't revisit.

She characterized mornings, as we go about our business of going to work that some days I'm "fine" and other days "moody" and tense. Well, I told her not to use such a micrometer on my feelings. I asked her just how I should act, since I did feel more or less the same every day. I think Mrs. Ray was surprised that I felt about the same on a day to day basis.

Once again, she told me her financial arrangements. I am to help pay her apartment rent. I cannot agree to this. I cannot support someone in something I so extremely disagree with It's her decision, she needs to make her own arrangements. I don't know if she can legally compel me to support her. She has a fine job in her own right. (I think she actually makes a few bucks more a month than I do now.) She has a vested Education retirement. I can't see where there would be any required support here.

As she told me the moving-out news, I sat on the couch and began, I don't know, shaking and cringing. Sorry, I wanted to say words to her that would actually be more inflammatory for her. Like "I don't really want you to go" kind of things.

I pray that there is some end to this - particularly that Mrs. Ray will return to me and we can get serious about fixing things up. I pray that I can find enough energy to continue myself, should the worst case happens (she leaves). Realistically, that looks like that's the way it's going. But I cannot stop praying and desiring that my wife will come to my side. Not in a controlling way, but in a way we can share life together equally.

Living with the Enemy

2006-11-28T08:35:00.000-06:00

No, Mrs. Ray is not the "enemy". The enemy is the terrible crushing feeling I have in my heart whenever we're together at home. We both do our daily routine, but in my heart I continually pray for both of us. In a way it's discouraging, as it reminds me of the precarious situation my marriage is in, but it also gets me to continue to focus on God, and seek His Help and Wisdom in this.

Readers (if there are any) please pray that those of us in this situation, who acknowledge God as the Architect of Marriage and Love, will heal these kinds of situations.

Crying Out Loud

2006-11-26T18:41:00.000-06:00

(Christian content occurs without warning!)
I really felt convicted to ask Mrs. Ray to go to the same church (our "regular" one). Her support/friends are different than mine, so they wouldn't cross paths all that much. So this morning, I popped the question, and Mrs. Ray said "no" out of hand. She said she'd go to another nearby church of the same color.

Well, I went to our church. Because my emotions were so high, I could not stay past the usual prayer session we have. I had even asked another person ahead of time to pray with me & explained I probably wouldn't be able to talk when the time came. Well, instead of going to the front, I went out the back. I knew if I went to the front I'd start bawling out loud, which would certainly cause a bit of a disturbance, even more than usual for this color of church!

I cried (loudly) all the way home. It seemed that Mrs. Ray was out, so I went right to my bedroom for a solid crying/prayer session of my own. Later I realized that Mrs. Ray had not left, and she heard me. Not that I'm embarrassed, but, geez, I certainly don't want her to take that as an excuse to move out now!

Although I won't lift a finger or spend a penny on the divorce proceedings or helping her move out, I'll gladly help out with the big inventory we need to do. I've already checked the forms as to what they need, and I'm starting the Big List.

My prayers have not changed: I need to find out what's in me that has driven her away, and I ask God to touch her heart so she may reconsider this extreme action.

Tonight's Amazing Race night. We'll see what happens.

Stiller than stone

2006-11-26T00:30:00.000-06:00

I spent the day at my dad's place. My son stopped in for dinner, too. Mrs. Ray had said she would begin organizing her stuff while I was out. All well and good.

When I got home, Mrs. Ray was not there. I immediately went to the bedroom and began praying. Seems I do LOTS of that these days. About half an hour later, Mrs. Ray came back. We kinda sat at the table for a few minutes, then she looked at me and said "Want to go see a movie?" In my heart I thanked God for what seemed like progress. In the interests of marital fidelity, I refuse to record who first suggested that we go see Borat, but we did. Way more offensive than funny. We finally couldn't take any more about ¾ the way through, and left.

In my prayers I admit to God that I have no ability on my own to help our situation. Tonight I feel God told me (no, not the angels or words from on high) to invite Mrs. Ray to go to "our" church. More or less with me. Her support group is different from mine, so there would be no conflict of interest there. I don't need to tell people how far the divorce action has gone, but I will ask for prayer for our marriage. This would have the same effect without the big bombshell & special attention. I have asked the Holy Spirit to guide me in timing and the words to use to bring this idea up with Mrs. Ray.

In my heart now, I do feel a calm that things will turn out for the better in the end. But I admit still that it ain't over yet.

As If....

2006-11-24T21:05:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Ray returned from visiting her daughter. Inside me, it is a raging storm, but I'd better not let on, or Mrs. Ray will bail, angrily. That squirrel story, remember?
Tomorrow I go to church. I'll try to be discrete, but, hey, I'M HURTING INSIDE and church is the best place to get the kind of company I need.
Surely there is some problem inside me (otherwise things will all be fixed up). I have listened to Mrs. Ray, thought about Things, worked on whatever it is I can try to change, and still come up with nothing. I've been working this way for months now. Mrs. Ray has of course given up being patient with me. My apologies for nearly anything are worthless now, as I keep apologizing for many things.
No, Mrs. Ray has not turned into some evil bitch. She is just fed up with my attitude, habits and way we communicate.
Every night I am prostrate before God. I have used up all my energy, my resources. I ask Him for help, as only He now has the energy and power to work with Mrs. Ray. My prayers (you can join in, if you want to) are that I can see clearly within myself, firstly, for any error, and secondly that Mrs. Ray will realize what she is walking out on (no, not the hurt): a man who loves her and is devoted to his wife. A man who is desperately examining himself to straighten himself out to be the better husband, as it seemed at the beginning several years ago.

More than once a day in prayer I come before the Architect of Marriage, begging (who has any self-respect before God??) for answers, comfort and help.

Cooperating in my own demise

2006-11-23T09:56:00.000-06:00

Mrs. Ray's note from last night mentioned I'm not cooperating in the divorce. Silly me! I'm such a helpful person that when we first sat down to Talk about Things, I did help. I printed out some forms. I ordered a book from Nolo Press on doing your own divorce.

That night, though, I realized that since every fiber in my being was opposed to the idea of divorcing Mrs. Ray, I could not help her in this. Yes, I will cooperate in the Great Division of Assets and other stuff, but I'm not going to load the gun she's going to shoot me with! Along with going back to church, this is one of the things I had changed my mind on.

Cliffhanger

This is Thanksgiving. Tomorrow I'm going to speak with one of our mutual friends who has already talked to Mrs. Ray.

Messages Between Sides

2006-11-22T22:23:00.000-06:00

Today Mrs. Ray was leaving to go to her daughter's house for Thanksgiving. She would leave right from work, she wouldn't be back home. Before I left for school, I wrote Mrs. Ray a note:

Not one time in the time we have been married have I ever consciously done anything to annoy you. (Yeah, I wrote some other stuff, but this is enough for here.)

I left for the day. When I returned, Mrs. Ray had written a reply on my paper:

I haven't ever set out to hurt you, either. I've done all I can to make our marriage work. …. You aren't cooperating in the divorce, you change your mind on things and don't tell me. … Now I feel cut off from my support group because you chose to return to the church that you wanted to leave. (Again, some other stuff, but this is enough for here.)

To me, this is finally a place we can start from. I took the paper and began praying intensely for Mrs. Ray and the feelings in both of us represented by the notes. I cry. I'm in emotional agony. I pray that my wife and I, and our marriage can be healed. Whenever I have done this kind of praying, by the end, I do have a deep feeling of comfort. No, the problems aren't solved, no, I do not get any angels, or voices of comfort. In fact, nothing is really changed. But inside, I do have a better hope for the future.

I also know this will still be a long and painful journey. That is why I'm putting in this blog. It's more a chronicle of the journey. Any comments will be welcomed, but I'm really using this as a vent of some very powerful feelings.