Calling it Off ;-)

We were talking about the different way we pronounce certain words (I say "CARE-a-mel" she says "CAR-mel). I sent Mrs. Ray a link to the lyrics of "Let's call the Whole Thing Off" (The To-MAY-to/To-MAH-to song).

Here's her reply:

Subject: RE: Let's call the whole thing off
From: Mrs. Ray
Date: 5/21/2007 11:20 PM
To: Ray

I like this idea best:

So we better call the calling off off

BTW - in the middle of the song, the singer decides to give up his pajahmas and wear pajamas so they will not need to part.

How I did it.

Mrs. Ray and I are solidly on the way to rebuilding our marriage. We've been dialogging nearly every day. How did I manage to convince Mrs. Ray to get back together?

I didn't. I gave up. Read it: April 23 - "(No title. You've seen it before.)"

Since that time, all I did was hope. Mrs. Ray and I had very little contact between April 23 and May 5 ("Mrs. Ray's Thoughts:"). The occasional phone call or email about things, but no real attempt on getting back together. The one thing I did do was pray, and ask God to handle the situation.

So, there was nothing I did, after Mrs. Ray's Final Decision. But God was able to work on her heart and mind, to re-open a door she had closed. God has a definite opinion on divorce. I'm sure He is not interested in taking part in messing up something He created and gave to us.

We have sold the house (Mrs. Ray's already moved out you know), and I move out in the first week of June. Yes, then I'll move in with my wife (!!) until she takes off "back east". We agree that the following two months we will continue Retrouvaille dialog and continue to work on our relationship. The we should be back together, "Happily Ever After"

It's Over ... and Beginning Again

Friday we went to the counselor - both of us. Friday Mrs. Ray and I had dinner together, and ahem, breakfast on Saturday. In the last week, Mrs. Ray began working on her "best wish". We restarted daily Retrouvaille style dialog. We discussed the plans, scheduling and logistics of Mrs. Ray's moving to the Midwest in June, and I to follow at the end of July. (I'm taking classes till then.)

One of our dialog questions was:

As we rebuild our marriage, HDIF* about then being separated for two months?

Both of us wrote that it would be a good thing. We will continue dialog, learning more about each other in ways you just won't get any other way.

I think we're now on our way to Even Happier Ever After!

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Reflection
I have counted 15 individuals I have talked/emailed with. Some are friends I see daily, some I only know a name they use in emails. Two Retrouvaille contacts I "met" here on this blog have been very supportive. Thank you Pittsburgh and Savannah, Georgia: 8-o MWAH** Some of your advice was instrumental in keeping me on track. Working against a divorce does require lots of support from true friends of all kinds.

And I have one good friend I could not do without - my Lord in Heaven. I have focused on following His will. Sometimes, you may have noticed, I pretty much gave up. But God doesn't necessarily do that. He kept working when all I could do is just pass the days and wait for I don't know what. He has a definite opinion about divorce. No, not when Jesus says "except for unfaithfulness" in Matthew 5:32, but in the Old Testament. In Malachi 2:16 my translation goes something like this: "'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel. 'Any questions about that?'"

I have searched myself to find fault in my marriage and before the Lord. I have found some things, and I am working on them. Note I do not point fingers at Mrs. Ray here. The one person I have the best chance of getting fixed is me, so that's where I started.

In this blog, I have called regaining my marriage my Life's Great Work. I was mistaken. My marriage is my Life's Great work! So, my job is not done - I had been remiss for seven years. So actually, my big job is only beginning!

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* Secret Retrouvaille acronym known but to few. How Do You Feel about that?
* Not an acronym - the sound of a big kiss!

Added August 4, 2008:
I finally cannot resist adding this. This is the point in the story that I really knew we were back together: We had a house to sell, since November, 2006. But I do believe that God would not allow our house to sell until our marriage situation was decided - one way or the other.

Well, Mrs. Ray and I were talking into the night Friday, and by 10:00pm we had decided to make another "go" of it. Well, just after 10, the phone rang. The Broker had an offer for us!! He had called at 10 pm!! Late at night!! He didn't wait till morning, the broker called just after Mrs. Ray and I had come to an important decision! (He didn't know that.)
There were quite a few things Mrs Ray and I had to work out, yet, but that phone call was the Moment I knew my prayers were answered.

Mrs. Ray's "best wish"

Mrs. Ray had been really sick over the weekend - stayed home from work Monday. So she just stayed home, trying to get better. Tonight she called to ask about my thoughts about her last email (See "Mrs Ray's Thoughts"). I said it's much better in person, so she agreed that I come over to talk. (Oh, and to watch the finale of Amazing Race!)

Results of the talk: Mrs. Ray true "best wish" is to be married to me. But she is still frightened to be "stuck" with a controlling husband. I pointed out that controlling her is the last thing I'd ever want to do, and the counselor was working with me on this. I asked her to let me know immediately when she has these feelings.

We agreed to work seriously on reconciliation, including starting Retrouvaille daily dialogs again to keep communication open. I asked her to really commit, to not just bolt for the door when she has bad feelings, and rather to "stop everything" and find out what's going on.

I think we're finally around the last turn. I pray daily for our marriage as I put my wedding ring on my finger in the morning. I pray daily for our marriage before I go to sleep at night. We have a lot of "stuff" to work through, but I believe it can be done.

Mrs. Ray's Thoughts:

I have stated here that I actually have given up hoping Mrs. Ray would "come around", though that is still my dream. Even after a few times recently that she has said "I've made my decision."
Late last (Friday) night, Mrs. Ray sent me a message. I'm quoting the whole thing here. I'm glad God hears prayer and does not give up like us puny humans tend to do.

Subject: Sorry
From: Mrs. Ray
Date: Fri, 4 May 2007 22:46:51 -0700
To: Ray
I’m about to go to bed and I thought I’d write you a note. I’m sorry that I am not feeling well and that we couldn’t get together tonight. How did your session go? Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow or Sunday and we can get together to do something fun and just talk, too. I want to come see the dogs, too, because I really miss them.

I know the last few months have been difficult, and I am sorry that I have been unable to wholeheartedly return to you. I still don’t know if it will work, but I am willing to talk a little more about it and spend a little time. It would be my “best wish” for things to be good enough for me to feel good about remaining married. I just have to be sure, and right now I am not sure.

I do appreciate that you have hung in there, prayed, gone to counseling, and tried to “fix” things. I’m just sorry that things couldn’t have gotten better months ago, so we wouldn’t be up against this time pressure. It sure doesn’t help the situation for either of us.

I will talk to you tomorrow.

Mrs. Ray