A New Direction

In an email exchange, Mrs. Ray wrote something that is so true:

… I feel so overwhelmed with different feelings. Part of me thinks I should have just cut things off …, and began a new life. Another part of me still misses part of you, and wants nothing more than to go running back and pick up the pieces. What I really want is for us to take the respective pieces of ourselves and our broken marriage and glue them back together in a better way, using only the good parts, to make a better vessel. I just don’t know if we would be able to only choose the good parts, and I can’t stand the thought of gluing it back together badly, or in the same way as before. So much will need to change in both of us.

In the Middle of the Turn

Just some random thoughts.
Mrs. Ray did agree to go to Retrouvaille. Perfect timing - it's this weekend, and it's in town!
She is not ready to forgive me of many things, but to me it seems the time is "ripe". I think she does see change in me (but our counselor reminded her to watch out for a return to the "same ol' same ol' ") and a serious commitment to get things to work out.
Mrs. Ray has rediscovered her desire to be physically close (not meaning intimate, just close) to me. That's been my feeling for months now! I hope that will be a reason for her to continue reconciliation, slowly and carefully, as she is comfortable.
It looks like we may remain apart this week, with little communication till Friday evening. We'll see how that works.

24 Hours

19/Jan/07 2223: As Ray drifts off to sleep, he begins calling Mrs. Ray's name out loud. At the same time, Mrs. Ray is writing a long email, full of her frustration, confusion , desires and thoughts.

20/Jan/07 0120 Ray wakes up (only 4 hours of sleep), and begins thinking about Mrs. Ray and "things".

20/Jan/07 0515 Unable to sleep, Ray gets up, turns on the computer, and checks his mail. Finds a message from Mrs. Ray:

Ray,

I have lots to talk to you about when we get together on Sunday. I have been so frustrated this week; wrestling with myself, cussing you out, crying out to God, and in general trying to figure you out, and how/why/whether/if we should be together....

It seems like we take a few steps forward, only to always take steps backwards....

I can’t figure out if I really do still love you, despite the disappointments and unacceptable behavior, ....

How am I supposed to set “boundaries” with you in the realm of lying and deception, when during the same night we are discussing the boundaries book you deceive me?....

Part of me was telling myself all week long RUN RUN RUN AWAY. Get the divorce done, move [away], sever all ties and do it quick, before he hurts you more. Then another part of me would begin to feel a mix of guilty, sadness, loneliness, confused…memories of nice times we had together would flood back…and that is what is totally tearing me up....

You have told me many times, and written many pretty words to me about how much you love me. They mean nothing at this point. They don’t match up with your actions toward me, particularly in light of all of the tears, counseling, prayers, and supposed “changing and growing” that you are doing. All of the kisses, hugs, intimate moments… all of the cups of tea and coffee, all of the trips, all of the snuggles on the couch… it all seems like a sham. Please, please, tell me what I am supposed to do?

20/Jan/07 0452 Ray sends this reply:

... Please keep this in mind: as I pointed out, Yes, I did keep part of the conversation with the Realtor away from you, but later I realized myself what I had done, and took the initiative myself to fix that: I sent you that message that I had done something "wrong". My point, even in that message: I did the hard thing, the right thing, and 'fessed up to you. You did not ask - I made the move on my own to correct the error. I also asked for your help and forgiveness. I admit your "forgiveness supply" for me is rather low right now. But that is what I ask for. Forgiveness only has value when you (Mrs. Ray) see repentance in me. That is what I'm trying to show you.

Mrs. Ray, I appreciate the turmoil in your heart. I wish I could embrace you and comfort you, but I also know I am the cause of the turmoil.

20/Jan/07 0511 Ray sends another message:

Mrs. Ray,

Sunday, we do need to talk, to share thoughts on things. … Let's do this: Come on over, then we'll go to the park and go for a walk along the river. … something we can do together and enjoy each other's company - a date!! Nothing more, nothing less. Then we can get back and talk some.

20/Jan/07 0802 Mrs. Ray’s reply:

I slept until 7:30 and didn’t see your [message] …. I like the idea of a walk; I’ll plan on coming over about 2:00. We can go walk, go back to the house to talk, and then if we want, get a bite of supper.

20/Jan/07 0820 Ray leaves to visit his Dad & Son. Two hours driving there to think, and two hours driving back to think some more.

20/Jan/07 1630 Ray returns home. Dinner, Watched some of The Quiet Man.

20/Jan/07 2114 Mrs. Ray sends a “commented” version of Ray’s Reply. Ray opens his MySpace IM. A conversation ensues:

Mrs_Ray (08:43 PM 01/20/07): Hey - did you get back safely from your trip?

Ray (09:53 PM 01/20/07): I got back in the afternoon.

Ray (09:54 PM 01/20/07): Dad's doing well. My son is wonderful.

Mrs_Ray (09:55 PM 01/20/07): Good

Ray (09:55 PM 01/20/07): I read your email (your notes mixed in mine.)

Mrs_Ray (09:56 PM 01/20/07): can you understand how I feel?

Ray (09:57 PM 01/20/07): Yes. I do know it is terrible. I feel like I could come see you tonight.

Mrs_Ray (09:57 PM 01/20/07): I want you to come see me tonight. I would love to just be beside you. (and I'll try not to hit you).

Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): 30 minutes? OK?

Mrs_Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): OK

Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): Bye! Start counting....

Mrs_Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): 1

Mrs_Ray (09:59 PM 01/20/07): 2

Last message received at 09:59 PM on 01/20/07

20/Jan/07 2230 Ray gets to Mrs. Ray’s apartment. In conversation, both agree there’s still “something” worth working on. Both feel the need for a fresh commitment to work things out.
Note about God: As I held Mrs. Ray, I wanted to pray to God. I wanted to pray silently. But three times I started "Dear God", and my thoughts would not budge farther. It took three times to realize I should share my prayers with Mrs. Ray!! I did. I think she really appreciated what I was praying for! Now I'm glad God "made" me do that!!

Just as in the TV series, when things look like they’re over, they are only just beginning. It’s not set yet, but maybe, just maybe a new chapter is coming. Thanks for reading.

Movement?

Late last night, Mrs. Ray sent me a long email. As I mentioned in my last entry (Touching Base), I cut way back on communication with her. And this is what I get: a page and a half email with her thoughts! Mostly her frustration and turmoil about whether she should return or leave.

I have been praying that God show us the next step so we can get a move on, rather than just sit around and think about it. God does answer prayer. We meet Sunday. I will push again for Retrouvaille. I still think their communication exercises will clear out some of the garbage that's grown between us, and point us toward reconciliation.
Stay tuned!

Touching Base

My last entry was Monday. I am disappointed Mrs. Ray does not want to go to Retrouvaille. I believe the communication is what we really need - other things will follow as we learn more about each other.

Monday Mrs. Ray seemed to be, well, waiting and watching. I'm more interested in considering the possibility of reconciliation. She still speaks of "When I move...." without any potential inclusion of her husband.

Monday I decided to minimize contact with her. I shut of my MySpace IM and have not spoken with her. (She hasn't called me, either.) In an email tonight she wants to go to a movie on Saturday evening. I'm debating whether to take this weekend "off".

I am trying to contact Retrouvaille - the local person and I have been playing phone tag for two days (!!). If we do spend time together, I really want to push Retrouvaille. Yes, there are other programs, etc. But I bumped into Retro... and it looks good to me.

Finding Boundaries

Mrs. Ray came over to discuss Boundaries in Marriage. I had read it and marked several passages. Now she's reading and marking it. We shared our readings. I am open to whatever will help Mrs. Ray understand me. I say I am tearing myself apart, trying to fix myself (yes, with the counselor's help, too).

She pointed out there are still some areas I need to work on: Control, honesty and remarks. Controlling others is something I have found that I have been doing. Now I am working on stopping it. Many control methods are very subtle, and I need to identify them and get them under (ahem) control. The honesty issue might be related to control, as I try to influence others. Mrs. Ray says I often make rude and cutting remarks, even without knowing it.

Mrs. Ray is not interested in Retrouvaille. They concentrate on communication, but we have other issues. As if communication won't help work out the other issues. Go figure. She says we need to keep seeing each other, talking, and working out the issues. Yeah, we can do that, but I feel we should have more involvement with the counselor. As it is, I feel lousy about things now. This was not a good weekend.

Waiting, Waiting

Last night Mrs. Ray told me she had been to the counselor. But she still is keeping her option open to move on, rather than work on rebuilding. But I believe the counselor, “Agnes”, is also working on rebuilding, but in her way. (Mrs. Ray said Agnes is working to help Mrs. Ray work through Mrs. Ray's own issues, but I think they also talk about my issues, as far as they relate to Mrs. Ray, too!)

Mrs. Ray already wanted to straighten out the arrangement when we go to Retrouvaille. We will be in the same hotel room for two nights, probably with one bed. But no hanky panky, now!

And she brought up the classic "How is a Catholic priest going to help us with marriage issues?*" I understand from Retrouvaille's web site that the weekend retreat is very powerful in rebuilding marriages. They focus on communication. So, for now, I'm just waiting for the next two weeks to go by, until we get to the retreat.

*The Retrouvaille session leaders also include three couples who have been through a breakup and reconciliation.

Turning Point

The counselor was very happy at the latest events. She's very positive about the final outcome. We talked about my need for change, that I had figured things out almost on my own and was heading in the right direction.
The counselor loved the way we are adding our sticky notes to the book Boundaries in Marriage. We will soon compare notes on the book. Mrs. Ray is not finished with it yet, but she is reading it.
I brought up a workshop called "Retrouvaille" (Non francophones can say "retro-VAY". It started in Quebec, Canada, eh?), brought to you by the folks at Marriage Encounter, only for couples in our situation - a breaking marriage. The counselor said that was an excellent idea. There's a meeting in town at the end of the month. I think we'll be going.

Surprise Supper

Sunday, Mrs. Ray meant to get an Outlook file off her old computer to move to her new one. Forgot. I tried emailing it, but her Outlook managed to strip such files from incoming mail. (Thanks, Microsoft! 8p )
I emailed Mrs. Ray to say I could bring the file over on a thumb drive sometime. Her reply was "Would you like supper tonight?" Well, I did. Gave up my own Crockpot BBQ pork ribs. I have my priorities!
I did the computer thing & had supper. We didn't really have any particular stuff to talk about (having only 24 hours before covered some heavy ground). But the cuddling turned to some kisses. Both of us, I think wanted more, but knew when to stop.

T h i s   J u s t   I n  . . . 

As I was writing this, Mrs. Ray called me. After I left, she had a few errands to run. She got home to find a message from me on her answer machine - I left the thumb drive at her place. She called to tell me she got the message. But then, voice beginning to waver, said she almost came over to the house tonight (unannounced). "Why?" I probed.
"Because part of me misses you, and part of me wants to move on." she said with an unsteady voice.
Her feelings came out in more conversation. She understood this separation stuff was terribly hard on both of us. (I agreed.) She does have many issues about me that need to be cleared up. (I also think she is getting a better understanding of what she might be leaving behind.) I told Mrs. Ray I have come across some ideas - programs, ideas, books, etc. that might be useful, but I did want to clear them through the counselor first. She asked "When will that be?", but I kept her guessing on that. Because of the recently surfacing emotions, I suggested that neither of us make any effort to contact each other for 24 hours. I will be seeing our counselor tomorrow.
Reader, please don't think I feel victorious. First, the show ain't over. Second, I have put this whole business to God. I always ask God to give me His complete and Holy wisdom in healing a hurting marriage and hurting wife. (I admit that if I tried to work this out myself, I'd really mess things up!) There is no victory for me, rather for God's love and design of marriage. I'll post tomorrow and late the goings on. Looks like this might be an important few days. Keep your prayer lines open!

New look

I changed the blog colors to represent my overall feelings. No, not out of the woods yet at all. But, personally, the dark mourning feeling has gone. Let a little color in. A mix of some my and Mrs. Ray's favorite colors.

Who are you talking about?

Mrs. Ray came back here for Sunday supper. After dinner we moved to the couch for the usual conversation. Mrs. Ray started right out with an incident that for the life of me I can't recall, but she says happened.

We had gone to Disneyland with her son's family, including her grandson, "Mark". We had purchased the two hotel rooms for both families. "June" was to buy the D-land tickets. (Two hotel rooms come in about the same as four Mouse House tix.) Instead, Mrs. Ray had gotten a better price though the Credit Union. That's OK by me! When we all got together, June gave us cash to cover her half of the hotel and tickets. Fair & Square.

But, as we left to head home, it seems I said something to little Mark that was really meant for June: "OK, Mark, next time your mom will have to buy her own tickets."

Now why would I ever try to get this dig in?? I figure everything worked out fairly, including saving by getting the tickets through the credit union. And, after the whole fun weekend, would I want to remind anyone that the deal did not go down as I expected it to? I don't recall saying this, or even thinking the finances were off.

We did talk about other things, from how I am working to make personality changes permanent, to sex (talking - we didn't do anything!) to my road rage (I say "ain't happening", Mrs. Ray says "Alla time!" - I'm playing along for now). By the end, though, we did sit together on the couch cuddling for a while. Mrs. Ray did say she appreciated that I'm working on these things. That made the whole evening worthwhile - holding my wife close.

"I'm leaving. No. There's a possibility. No. Let's be friends. No. But this doesn't mean..."

Mrs. Ray has returned from her trip. She came over for dinner Friday night. We had Slow Cooker Chili. Then we handled some business, and moved to the couch to chat. We sat there. Looked at each other & smiled. (I resolved to wait for Mrs. Ray to start.) I forgot what she said, but we began by talking about how we now relate to each other. Snippets of Mrs. Ray: "We will both grow from this." "I have not ruled out anything" "I have not decided on when (but I plan to) or if (but I plan to) I will file the divorce (default) papers."
Talk about mixed signals!! Ever hopeful, I'm now optimistic, compared with last night. But, my Schrodinger's Cat is clearly in State #2 ("I don't know yet"). In other words, the box is still closed!
I gave her a book I had read, Boundaries in Marriage. I had marked pages that had ideas that I felt were important with little sticky-notes. I tactfully said this exercise was good for me. That I was guilty of many boundary points in the book. I asked her to read it & mark her important ideas. Then we would compare notes.
The conversation wound down till Mrs. Ray actually said, "I don't have anything else to say." (That's a wonder! :) ) So, with nothing else to talk about, I put my arm over Mrs. Ray's shoulder, and we just kinda cuddled for about 10 minutes (who's counting?).
Then a few more pieces of business, like raiding the pantry again, and Mrs. Ray actually decided something - to go home.
[Protest Quotient: Plus 1]

Shuttle from the Airport

OK, Mrs. Ray's back. She had asked me to pick her up at the airport. Seems the last leg of her trip was delayed SIX (6) HOURS (as in more than five hours!). The actual flight? 1 hour 40 minutes. Thank you Airport Snow.

The first thing she told me was she bought new luggage on this trip, so I could keep the whole set of luggage we had shared for the last five years. The she talked about her grandson, and the house back east. Some other stuff about her family. You know, it seems to me she was having the kind of conversation you'd have with a good friend who came to the airport to pick you up. But to me, I was still expecting my wife!! Later she asked me why I was so quiet and moody. (didn't have supper with her, even though she was buying).

Correct or incorrect, I actually went to the airport hoping to pick up someone that resembled my wife. Only, the person who came to the baggage area was just some friend I was helping out. This is not the first time she's acted with what might be a "friend" attitude, but to me it was soooo strange, because it was the person I still see as my WIFE talking and acting like someone else. She didn't get it, yet I'm torn up inside. This is a real heart breaker.

As for the Cat (see Free Fall #3), nothing has been determined.

I guess this is almost coherent, but it just tears me up. Mrs. Ray seems to already be settled in the unmarried mode, and she treats her ex as some friend. This is something I cannot do if we reach the final breaking point. I am still working and praying that Mrs. Ray and I will find common ground and rebuild our marriage. But, should she depart from her promises of six years ago, I cannot abide ever dealing with her again. For my own mind, and heart, I will need to completely "clean her out of my heart". This is not fun. I do not want to do it to someone as precious to me as my wife.

I hope I can maintain an even keel for the next few days, till we see the condition of the cat.

Pre - "Mrs. Ray Returns" Update

I spent about an hour with Pastor Jim today. I don't need to go to Jim for support - the Holy Spirit and prayer already do that. Jim is a great sounding board, an honest spiritual guide and a good friend to both Mrs. Ray and me.

The upshot of the talk is that I have already been through the Valley of the Shadow (grief). Mrs. Ray has already left the building. The "bad" result has already happened. I believe my life's Great Work is the only thing that will get Mrs. Ray to reconsider. ("Great Work" of course is actually 100% God through the Holy Spirit. I could never pull something like this off myself - you'd understand if you knew Mrs. Ray!)

Pastor Jim also pointed out that several concerned church friends have observed that I look & act a lot better in the last few weeks. Yes, the worst case scenario has happened - Mrs. Ray has left. Now my job is to literally woo Mrs. Ray back to her marriage.

Tomorrow we'll see the condition of Mrs. Ray's "Shrodinger's Cat".

Free Fall #3

It's Tuesday. Mrs. Ray will be returning Thursday afternoon. Yes, I'm praying about her trip, what she's worked through back east, what we'll be doing Thursday night - talking or what. I expect to just take her to her apartment, unload her stuff, and politely leave. (Part of the let-them-go strategy.)
I have been on pins and needles emotionally. I'm supposed to be cleaning the computer room (five years of accumulation - four days cleaning my computer position till you can finally see the wood!!). But even that is hard to do when I start thinking about when Mrs. Ray returns. I don't expect to get much sleep Wednesday night. But I've waited for over 50 Christmases, as many birthdays, countless test results and calls after interviews. But this is my marriage!!!!
I need to keep in mind the story Shrodinger's Cat (click the link to get the details). I have three possible results:

1. "I've decided	A: we really are done"
	B: Lets get serious and work out our problems"
or
2. "I'm not sure yet, but I could file the final divorce papers next week."

The story of the Cat indicates that, since I have no clue as to the final result, all three answers exist at the same time, until Mrs. Ray tells me what's up!