Coming Together

This last weekend was, well, pleasant. We spent time together (not all weekend), went to see Breach, went to church. The sermon was on Wilderness, meaning those times we see/feel little support. Wilderness played an important role in the major players in the Bible, from Abraham to Jesus and Paul. The idea rang true for both Mrs. Ray and me.

Late Sunday night, Mrs. Ray sent an email to me. After some thoughts on our situation, Mrs. Ray begins a paragraph with “The bottom line is, that I feel He [God] is telling me to trust you (and Him). Later she writes “If you can live with the changes that I need, then I am telling you that I want us to consider ourselves together, to sell our house, you move into the apartment…” And closes with OK – those are my thoughts. What are yours? I do want our marriage to work, and be happy and healthy for both of us.

I realize my dream of the last few months is complete. But my great work continues. Now it’s Our great work, as we come together to rebuild a marriage that drifted onto the Shoals of life over the seven years we’ve been together.

We are committed to the Retrouvaille dialogs, and we both understand our separation experience will be used by God to help other couples who are having these kinds of problems.

I will continue this blog, as we learn more about each other, and learn from our experiences how to build an even better marriage together. Thanks for reading and praying.

Not an easy road!

In the last episode, Mrs. Ray was ready go give up and move on/away. We did have Valentine dinner at her apartment - not too romantic but pleasant. Talked for quite a while, sometimes bordering on argument. Kind of just waiting for Saturday and the Retrouvaille session.

What a difference a Retrouvaille session makes! Mrs. Ray showed up at the house still upset for many things. We went to our 5 hour session (Post #2) and learned about our personalities and how our family of origin (the one(s) we grew up in) affect our adult selves. Both of us saw the many dimensions we bring, and how they interact between us. With this new understanding we know there’s more, and now things are much better.

At one point Sunday, Mrs. Ray was heard to say “I’m feeling better now,” with a smile on her face. She is at her daughters place Sunday and today, but we are planning to watch the Tivo'd first episode of Amazing Race. (Our favorite program – I was despondent at one point that I would not have anyone to watch it with!) Now she is planning to come over to 1) Watch the show, 2) Dialog and 3) Just Talk.

Stay Tuned.

That sliding feeling again

Since Valentines evening (last night), things have gone from bad to worse. Somehow I have not made, in fact I resist, any changes in my personality. When we kiss on the couch, suddenly I am after sex (nasty thing, that, eh?)

Now Mrs. Ray does not want to meet with me at either house. We will go to Retrouvaille Post No. 2 Saturday. I'm wondering if we should go in one or two cars. That would be a telling event - driving up to a marriage reconciliation workshop separately!

Mrs. Ray says she's close to a breakdown. I just don't know what to do! I'm trying to stay calm when I'm talking to her (on the phone or in person), but she still builds to a highly emotional state. I want to follow Dr. Dobson's advice in Love Must Be Tough, but how do you do that and have daily dialogs at the same time?

I pray we can get our feet back on the ground Saturday, and especially to last to Thursday when we see the counselor together, for a two hour block. Pray with us. Thanks.

Crash. Burn. Surprise!

I took my turn at the counselor. Got home, called Mrs. Ray, told her what we talked about. The counselor told me it seems everything is going great! We discussed some issues, the counselor thought I was doing OK with them, even when I said I was not following her directions exactly, but I explained why and that I felt the desired results were achieved. Prognosis: Soon we will be happily back together.

At home, I called Mrs. Ray and told her this. Mrs. Ray was expecting that the counselor get on me that I had not followed her directions. (a rubber band on my wrist to remind me about some behavior, I was supposed to snap the band when I needed a reminder. I did not want to snap the band, but the knowledge it was on my wrist served the purpose.) I had forgotten a few topics that I had promised Mrs. Ray we would discuss. [I'm skipping some details here] This makes me a liar for not bringing them up. (I forgot!) Lying is an issue Mrs. Ray has with me.

Bottom line: Mrs. Ray is about ready to throw in the towel. The counselor was a waste of time & money. I continue to lie and continue to work to control or force Mrs. Ray to do "my way". Looks like we're back to Square One.

New prognosis: our future together is either NOT, or hanging by a thread. I'm calling the counselor tomorrow to see what we can do about this.

Mrs. Ray was planning a great Valentine dinner (wonderful menu - really romantic) I am still expected for dinner (so we can talk), but I'm not sure just how romantic this will be!

Goals Dialog

Today's dialog topic was "What goals would I like to see us achieve in the next few months?" We talked it over this morning, after breakfast. (Mrs. Ray and I are both teachers, so we're enjoying a day off.) In the next few months, Mrs. Ray needs to decide for herself whether she still has a husband or not, as she is planning to move out of state this summer. So, both of us, independently, stated the next goal should be whether our marriage is strong enough, that Mrs. Ray is comfortable enough to have me back at her side.

By now, both of us have committed to working things out, but Mrs. Ray still has her hand on the escape hatch. The only advice I have for her, bottom line, is to make any decision she can absolutely live with. (I think you readers know my position on this! So does Mrs. Ray!)

= + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = +

I feel the big issues about getting Mrs. Ray to reconsider her marriage have reached a point it's almost a matter of time, as we share, dialog, discuss, and go to our counselor. I'm confident that our marriage is safe, though it ain't over till it's over.

I have a few more pieces to post on GlassGloves.com. That's where I write articles about "save my marriage" ideas that are worth sharing. There's also many other thoughts by the main blog host, Shohn.

One Week Later

Mrs. Ray and I have been using the Retrouvaille dialog daily. It works great for getting things out in the open.

I have not been updating this week, because many of the issues we are talking about are not for publication (this thing is not entirely anonymous!) Also, what I would write would seem like (even to me) finger pointing. That's another thing this blog is not about.

Mrs. Ray has some issues with me that need to be worked out. She also has some issues with me that actually keep her going in the process. I can't say I want to exploit those issues for the benefit of reconciliation, but, yes, I use them whenever I can. (OK, that's exploitation. I just want to try and rationalize it! :-) )

It's Official

Mrs. Ray and I went to church together today for the first time since we separated. Different church than our "regular" one. The text was taken from Luke 5:1-11 where Jesus preaches from Simon (Peter)'s boat.

When we got home, ate lunch, and Mrs. Ray was ready to do the day's Retrouvaille Dialog. "I'm choosing the question!" she said.

"But, wait, you chose the one yesterday!" I said.

"Here's the question," she ignored me. "What is one thing I got from the message today? How do I feel about my answer?"

"Well, OK, I guess." We began writing.

We exchanged notebooks. Much of what we wrote was parallel - we both had the same ideas in many places. Then in one paragraph, Mrs. Ray said the thing that struck her most was when Simon, against his better judgment, went out and dropped his net again, even though he did not expect to get much. (It was daytime, and they usually fish at night.) And he was tired (having stayed up all night). In verse 5, Peter agrees to, "if you [Jesus] say so." , Even though they're tired and it's off hours for fishing, they pull in a catch too big even for the net & need help to land the catch.

Mrs. Ray realized that God meant for her to commit to rebuilding her marriage, because "He says to", and to follow in faith. She will follow through with the Retrouvaille post sessions and work with me to solve our problems.

Now we are both going in the same direction! There is lots to do, yet. Self examination on both our parts, prayer, talking, dialog. But my goal and desire - that we stay together as husband and wife, is oh so much closer now!

Freudian Slip??

Mrs. Ray and I were having dinner at The Elephant Bar, and she started a sentence by saying

When weI move back east....

We went on to see Children of Men. Rough movie!!

Rediscovery

Retrouvaille – a French word for “rediscovery”. Mrs. Ray and I went for the weekend to a local hotel. Mrs. Ray was not really excited to go (She says she went because I insisted and pushed her to go. She did not want to make me too upset, and there should not be any harm in going, so she went.) During the whole weekend we were together nearly every second. We learned how to share some rather unpleasant feelings in a very good way. (It’s good to be comfortable with writing things down, but don’t let that stop you from going!)

Even after the weekend Mrs. Ray was really not excited about continuing with the follow-ups. However, we continued the method, called “Dialog” every night this week. We do feel better about communicating. My general recommendation for readers? If you need to find a way to better share feelings (good bad and ugly ones) with your loved one, give Retrouvaille some serious consideration!

A New Direction, Part 2

Here is another message from Mrs Ray. I think we have now surely started in a new direction. But we're not nearly out of the forest yet!

Ray, I know you are frustrated at the pace we are moving, but please know that it is my first wish that we can work things out. It is my 2^nd place choice to have to divorce. I just have to be really sure. I hope you understand.

Love, Mrs. Ray