19/Jan/07 2223: As Ray drifts off to sleep, he begins calling Mrs. Ray's name out loud. At the same time, Mrs. Ray is writing a long email, full of her frustration, confusion , desires and thoughts.
20/Jan/07 0120 Ray wakes up (only 4 hours of sleep), and begins thinking about Mrs. Ray and "things".
20/Jan/07 0515 Unable to sleep, Ray gets up, turns on the computer, and checks his mail. Finds a message from Mrs. Ray:
Ray,
I have lots to talk to you about when we get together on Sunday. I have been so frustrated this week; wrestling with myself, cussing you out, crying out to God, and in general trying to figure you out, and how/why/whether/if we should be together....
It seems like we take a few steps forward, only to always take steps backwards....
I can’t figure out if I really do still love you, despite the disappointments and unacceptable behavior, ....
How am I supposed to set “boundaries” with you in the realm of lying and deception, when during the same night we are discussing the boundaries book you deceive me?....
Part of me was telling myself all week long RUN RUN RUN AWAY. Get the divorce done, move [away], sever all ties and do it quick, before he hurts you more. Then another part of me would begin to feel a mix of guilty, sadness, loneliness, confused…memories of nice times we had together would flood back…and that is what is totally tearing me up....
You have told me many times, and written many pretty words to me about how much you love me. They mean nothing at this point. They don’t match up with your actions toward me, particularly in light of all of the tears, counseling, prayers, and supposed “changing and growing” that you are doing. All of the kisses, hugs, intimate moments… all of the cups of tea and coffee, all of the trips, all of the snuggles on the couch… it all seems like a sham. Please, please, tell me what I am supposed to do?
20/Jan/07 0452 Ray sends this reply:
... Please keep this in mind: as I pointed out, Yes, I did keep part of the conversation with the Realtor away from you, but later I realized myself what I had done, and took the initiative myself to fix that: I sent you that message that I had done something "wrong". My point, even in that message: I did the hard thing, the right thing, and 'fessed up to you. You did not ask - I made the move on my own to correct the error. I also asked for your help and forgiveness. I admit your "forgiveness supply" for me is rather low right now. But that is what I ask for. Forgiveness only has value when you (Mrs. Ray) see repentance in me. That is what I'm trying to show you.
Mrs. Ray, I appreciate the turmoil in your heart. I wish I could embrace you and comfort you, but I also know I am the cause of the turmoil.
20/Jan/07 0511 Ray sends another message:
Mrs. Ray,
Sunday, we do need to talk, to share thoughts on things. … Let's do this: Come on over, then we'll go to the park and go for a walk along the river. … something we can do together and enjoy each other's company - a date!! Nothing more, nothing less. Then we can get back and talk some.
20/Jan/07 0802 Mrs. Ray’s reply:
I slept until 7:30 and didn’t see your [message] …. I like the idea of a walk; I’ll plan on coming over about 2:00. We can go walk, go back to the house to talk, and then if we want, get a bite of supper.
20/Jan/07 0820 Ray leaves to visit his Dad & Son. Two hours driving there to think, and two hours driving back to think some more.
20/Jan/07 1630 Ray returns home. Dinner, Watched some of The Quiet Man.
20/Jan/07 2114 Mrs. Ray sends a “commented” version of Ray’s Reply. Ray opens his MySpace IM. A conversation ensues:
Mrs_Ray (08:43 PM 01/20/07): Hey - did you get back safely from your trip?
Ray (09:53 PM 01/20/07): I got back in the afternoon.
Ray (09:54 PM 01/20/07): Dad's doing well. My son is wonderful.
Mrs_Ray (09:55 PM 01/20/07): Good
Ray (09:55 PM 01/20/07): I read your email (your notes mixed in mine.)
Mrs_Ray (09:56 PM 01/20/07): can you understand how I feel?
Ray (09:57 PM 01/20/07): Yes. I do know it is terrible. I feel like I could come see you tonight.
Mrs_Ray (09:57 PM 01/20/07): I want you to come see me tonight. I would love to just be beside you. (and I'll try not to hit you).
Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): 30 minutes? OK?
Mrs_Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): OK
Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): Bye! Start counting....
Mrs_Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): 1
Mrs_Ray (09:59 PM 01/20/07): 2
Last message received at 09:59 PM on 01/20/07
20/Jan/07 2230 Ray gets to Mrs. Ray’s apartment. In conversation, both agree there’s still “something” worth working on. Both feel the need for a fresh commitment to work things out.
Note about God: As I held Mrs. Ray, I wanted to pray to God. I wanted to pray silently. But three times I started "Dear God", and my thoughts would not budge farther. It took three times to realize I should share my prayers with Mrs. Ray!! I did. I think she really appreciated what I was praying for! Now I'm glad God "made" me do that!!
3 comments:
You guys are on the right track! Please, consider giving Retrouvaille the chance to guide you through this healing and reconnecting process. I don't know why God has asked me to reach out to you personally, but do what He asks I will! Eric and Vici are the Registration Couple for Retrouvaille. You can reach them at 412 563-0465. Your marriage is worth it!! Do what you can to convince Mrs. Ray to give it a try. I'm praying for you!!
P.S. and by the way, after reading over your past blog entries i wanted to clear up one misconception Mrs. Ray has. Retrouvaille is not led by a Catholic Priest. It is a Catholic based program that accepts couples from all faith traditions; it is led by other couples who have been where you are and a Priest is involved in the Weekend portion of the program. Mrs. Ray... give it a try. What do you have to lose if you go on this Weekend? What do you have to lose if you don't?
Stupid me! I went back and read ALL your blog enteries. From them I realized you don't live in the same city or state as I do; this new-fangled computer thing can carry messages all over the place! I assumed you were where I am. I appologize, Eric and Vici are the Registration Couple for our local 'chapter' of Retrouvaille [did you know we're world-wide?].
I will keep my eye on this blog [my first experience with this sort of thing] and pray for your progress. I have faith that God can heal your marriage - He healed mine!! God bless you both.
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