Ringing Falsely

In the moment Sunday evening when I was so stupidly helpful to Mrs. Ray's desire to end our marriage, I has suggested that she remove her wedding and engagement rings. I removed mine. The next morning I realized what I had done, and continued to wear the symbol of my Promise to Mrs. Ray under God. Mrs. Ray kept her hand ring free.
This evening, I noticed a flash of gold on Mrs. Ray's left ring finger. For a brief instant, I was happy that she wasn't showing her distaste for our marriage that way. Then I took another look - she has put some other ring (even has some diamond flashes on it) in place of the rings that I had given her six years ago.
Well, in the emotional state I'm in, it would have felt better if someone had just kicked the living tar out of me.
I feel prayed out. (my prayers to God have just become repeating "Help me please!" over and over.) I am emotionally exhausted. I still cannot let go of my marriage. Even though Mrs. Ray might give up, I still want to find the underlying problem (whether it's in me or Mrs. Ray)

Getting to look a lot like It's Over

Mrs. Ray told me tonight she is moving out in the next week or so. Somehow "control" pops up on the conversation, as in "You don't have control over this situation, and it drives you nuts!" OK, I don't have control. And it drives me nuts. But not from a control freak point of view, but from a My Marriage Is Ending And I Don't Want It To point of view.

I pray nearly all the time. I'm "prayed out" or exhausted or out of gas. No, not "or", but "and" all these things. I so desperately want my wife to be with me, but this seems to be a decision she's made that she won't revisit.

She characterized mornings, as we go about our business of going to work that some days I'm "fine" and other days "moody" and tense. Well, I told her not to use such a micrometer on my feelings. I asked her just how I should act, since I did feel more or less the same every day. I think Mrs. Ray was surprised that I felt about the same on a day to day basis.

Once again, she told me her financial arrangements. I am to help pay her apartment rent. I cannot agree to this. I cannot support someone in something I so extremely disagree with It's her decision, she needs to make her own arrangements. I don't know if she can legally compel me to support her. She has a fine job in her own right. (I think she actually makes a few bucks more a month than I do now.) She has a vested Education retirement. I can't see where there would be any required support here.

As she told me the moving-out news, I sat on the couch and began, I don't know, shaking and cringing. Sorry, I wanted to say words to her that would actually be more inflammatory for her. Like "I don't really want you to go" kind of things.

I pray that there is some end to this - particularly that Mrs. Ray will return to me and we can get serious about fixing things up. I pray that I can find enough energy to continue myself, should the worst case happens (she leaves). Realistically, that looks like that's the way it's going. But I cannot stop praying and desiring that my wife will come to my side. Not in a controlling way, but in a way we can share life together equally.

Living with the Enemy

No, Mrs. Ray is not the "enemy". The enemy is the terrible crushing feeling I have in my heart whenever we're together at home. We both do our daily routine, but in my heart I continually pray for both of us. In a way it's discouraging, as it reminds me of the precarious situation my marriage is in, but it also gets me to continue to focus on God, and seek His Help and Wisdom in this.

Readers (if there are any) please pray that those of us in this situation, who acknowledge God as the Architect of Marriage and Love, will heal these kinds of situations.

Crying Out Loud

(Christian content occurs without warning!)
I really felt convicted to ask Mrs. Ray to go to the same church (our "regular" one). Her support/friends are different than mine, so they wouldn't cross paths all that much. So this morning, I popped the question, and Mrs. Ray said "no" out of hand. She said she'd go to another nearby church of the same color.

Well, I went to our church. Because my emotions were so high, I could not stay past the usual prayer session we have. I had even asked another person ahead of time to pray with me & explained I probably wouldn't be able to talk when the time came. Well, instead of going to the front, I went out the back. I knew if I went to the front I'd start bawling out loud, which would certainly cause a bit of a disturbance, even more than usual for this color of church!

I cried (loudly) all the way home. It seemed that Mrs. Ray was out, so I went right to my bedroom for a solid crying/prayer session of my own. Later I realized that Mrs. Ray had not left, and she heard me. Not that I'm embarrassed, but, geez, I certainly don't want her to take that as an excuse to move out now!

Although I won't lift a finger or spend a penny on the divorce proceedings or helping her move out, I'll gladly help out with the big inventory we need to do. I've already checked the forms as to what they need, and I'm starting the Big List.

My prayers have not changed: I need to find out what's in me that has driven her away, and I ask God to touch her heart so she may reconsider this extreme action.

Tonight's Amazing Race night. We'll see what happens.

Stiller than stone

I spent the day at my dad's place. My son stopped in for dinner, too. Mrs. Ray had said she would begin organizing her stuff while I was out. All well and good.

When I got home, Mrs. Ray was not there. I immediately went to the bedroom and began praying. Seems I do LOTS of that these days. About half an hour later, Mrs. Ray came back. We kinda sat at the table for a few minutes, then she looked at me and said "Want to go see a movie?" In my heart I thanked God for what seemed like progress. In the interests of marital fidelity, I refuse to record who first suggested that we go see Borat, but we did. Way more offensive than funny. We finally couldn't take any more about ¾ the way through, and left.

In my prayers I admit to God that I have no ability on my own to help our situation. Tonight I feel God told me (no, not the angels or words from on high) to invite Mrs. Ray to go to "our" church. More or less with me. Her support group is different from mine, so there would be no conflict of interest there. I don't need to tell people how far the divorce action has gone, but I will ask for prayer for our marriage. This would have the same effect without the big bombshell & special attention. I have asked the Holy Spirit to guide me in timing and the words to use to bring this idea up with Mrs. Ray.

In my heart now, I do feel a calm that things will turn out for the better in the end. But I admit still that it ain't over yet.

As If....

Mrs. Ray returned from visiting her daughter. Inside me, it is a raging storm, but I'd better not let on, or Mrs. Ray will bail, angrily. That squirrel story, remember?
Tomorrow I go to church. I'll try to be discrete, but, hey, I'M HURTING INSIDE and church is the best place to get the kind of company I need.
Surely there is some problem inside me (otherwise things will all be fixed up). I have listened to Mrs. Ray, thought about Things, worked on whatever it is I can try to change, and still come up with nothing. I've been working this way for months now. Mrs. Ray has of course given up being patient with me. My apologies for nearly anything are worthless now, as I keep apologizing for many things.
No, Mrs. Ray has not turned into some evil bitch. She is just fed up with my attitude, habits and way we communicate.
Every night I am prostrate before God. I have used up all my energy, my resources. I ask Him for help, as only He now has the energy and power to work with Mrs. Ray. My prayers (you can join in, if you want to) are that I can see clearly within myself, firstly, for any error, and secondly that Mrs. Ray will realize what she is walking out on (no, not the hurt): a man who loves her and is devoted to his wife. A man who is desperately examining himself to straighten himself out to be the better husband, as it seemed at the beginning several years ago.

More than once a day in prayer I come before the Architect of Marriage, begging (who has any self-respect before God??) for answers, comfort and help.

Cooperating in my own demise

Mrs. Ray's note from last night mentioned I'm not cooperating in the divorce. Silly me! I'm such a helpful person that when we first sat down to Talk about Things, I did help. I printed out some forms. I ordered a book from Nolo Press on doing your own divorce.

That night, though, I realized that since every fiber in my being was opposed to the idea of divorcing Mrs. Ray, I could not help her in this. Yes, I will cooperate in the Great Division of Assets and other stuff, but I'm not going to load the gun she's going to shoot me with! Along with going back to church, this is one of the things I had changed my mind on.

Cliffhanger

This is Thanksgiving. Tomorrow I'm going to speak with one of our mutual friends who has already talked to Mrs. Ray.

Messages Between Sides

Today Mrs. Ray was leaving to go to her daughter's house for Thanksgiving. She would leave right from work, she wouldn't be back home. Before I left for school, I wrote Mrs. Ray a note:

Not one time in the time we have been married have I ever consciously done anything to annoy you. (Yeah, I wrote some other stuff, but this is enough for here.)

I left for the day. When I returned, Mrs. Ray had written a reply on my paper:

I haven't ever set out to hurt you, either. I've done all I can to make our marriage work. …. You aren't cooperating in the divorce, you change your mind on things and don't tell me. … Now I feel cut off from my support group because you chose to return to the church that you wanted to leave. (Again, some other stuff, but this is enough for here.)

To me, this is finally a place we can start from. I took the paper and began praying intensely for Mrs. Ray and the feelings in both of us represented by the notes. I cry. I'm in emotional agony. I pray that my wife and I, and our marriage can be healed. Whenever I have done this kind of praying, by the end, I do have a deep feeling of comfort. No, the problems aren't solved, no, I do not get any angels, or voices of comfort. In fact, nothing is really changed. But inside, I do have a better hope for the future.

I also know this will still be a long and painful journey. That is why I'm putting in this blog. It's more a chronicle of the journey. Any comments will be welcomed, but I'm really using this as a vent of some very powerful feelings.

What does church have to do with it?

A month ago I had told Mrs. Ray that I felt I could not return to the church that we had been going to for several years. (Another, nearly unrelated story.) This evening I told Mrs. Ray that I needed to go to our church, mainly because the friends there were the kind that would seriously support me when I need it the most. (Non-church goers – you might not understand how powerful the friendship & love you build in a church can be. It's unlike any other kind of friendship you'll have. It is literally a life saver!)

Mrs. Ray had a look on her face of utter shock. "But you said you couldn't go there again!!"

I replied, "Yes, but consider: I don't have any close friends outside of our church, and you know I really need that kind of friendship now!"

She was not angry, but she walked away still in an emotional shock.

Divorcing but living together, or .... ?

It is rough doing this. My suggestion to Mrs. Ray was to save her money. By underlying theme is to keep close and work on getting her to "come around". No, not that simple, but it's a quick phrase.

My pastor used a word picture like this: a squirrel in a park. You offer them a nut, and the squirrel will approach you hand, even nibble a bit. But if you move the slightest twitch, the squirrel takes off.

Diary

I came home, and cooked dinner for two. Mrs. Ray came in later. I pointed out the meal, and she got out a bowl and had some cereal (she likes cereal for supper sometimes.)

In a short time, we began talking. My feelings are Mrs. Ray has "tons" of anger built up. I try to be accommodating, but Mrs. Ray is constantly accusing me of dishonesty, hiding things, controlling by my words/promises/actions. On the other hand, I'm trying my best to be like the guy in the park with a nut for the squirrel. But whatever I say, Mrs. Ray has a fresh accusation.

We agree that because of our schedules, we really won't be interacting much until Sunday (three days), so by then maybe we can work out some stronger ground rules of living together as roommates, but without killing each other.

Thanksgiving weekend coming up

Because of the breakup, Mrs. Ray and I will be going our separate ways for Turkey. Thursday, I go to my son's place. (He's single – it's the two of us) Mrs. Ray heads for the coast and her daughter (She's recently divorced – it's the two of them.)

Cliffhanger

By then Mrs. Ray will have talked to some people, and I'll have talked to some people. I wonder how we can survive living as roommates, or will Ms. Ray move out? Come back Sunday and see….

Divorcing but Living Together

Thoughts

I have no desire to get a divorce. People argue that the Bible & Jesus say it's OK for some reasons. I believe Jesus would have said in modern language that God gave us divorce because we are jerks. I don't want to be a jerk, I don't want a divorce. I still love my wife. I will go to the ends of the earth (or whatever metaphor of going to extremes) to save this marriage.

Diary
Well, when she got back into town that Sunday evening, I talked her into staying at our house. No, not the same bedroom, but more like roommates with different bedrooms — sharing the other facilities. We discussed the steps we need to take to begin the divorce. Yes, I offered advice and help.

Monday, I took the day off from work, as I was too emotionally worn out to teach. I also needed to do those things you do in this situation – open new bank accounts, go to personnel, etc.

Monday night I cooked dinner for two, and we ate together watching the news. That night (actually early in the morning) I lay awake, and begin one of the most intense prayer/thinking/meditation sessions since my previous wife died of cancer.

At about 3:30 AM in prayer, I felt the most powerful energy fill my body. I believe I had a Pentecostal experience – the Holy Spirit filling me. The energy was, well to describe something indescribable, good and pure and strong. Fifteen minutes later I calmed down (if that's the right term), with a HUGE feeling of peace. No, no angels showed up, no voices. I did not see Jesus standing at the end of the bed. But I have the distinct feeling that God had heard my prayer. I continued to pray, asking that I would say things only as God or the Spirit lead me to say.

Divorce Arises

(Caution, this blog series will contain Christianity.)
Introduction
Since about June, Mrs. Ray has been very upset about how I behave. It seems to her that I am "rude, callous, pushy and controlling". Problem is, I have found no other person who feels this way about me.
We are both very strong Christians. The pastor and his wife at our church are close friends of both of us. Years before our marriage, Mrs. Ray had been married to a man who had been a staff minister also, but "lost" his calling and left her.
The beginning of the end?
By November 18, Mrs. Ray and I have been married for exactly 6 years and one week. She had taken a long planned trip to the coast to see her daughter. I figured she would be talking about her marriage. But with a young woman who had just walked away from her husband of about six years. Same issues. (a pattern?)
Anyway, Saturday night at 9:30, Mrs. Ray called me to say she wanted a divorce. Well, a phone call is better than a text message, dontcha think?
Her plans were to stay with a friend for a few days then find her own apartment.