Bête noire *

Sunday Mrs. Ray came over for dinner, talk, and, of course, Amazing Race.

We shared some parts of Boundaries for Marriage. My main point was the realization I described in "Redefining the Situation", that the issues I saw about control led directly from expectations to boundaries.

Now there are two problems I need to deal with: 1) Why did it take so long? (six months or more) and 2) - the real bête noire - How will Mrs. Ray know now that I understand and will work to make changes permanent? It wouldn't be so bad if she was sticking around here, but Mrs. Ray does have solid plans to move to the Midwest in June. (My plans would be to stay here through summer school, them move to be with her.) How could she manage to live with me (as her husband) if shes not sure if I'll return to the "old" me?

I have about 1 month to work out this issue. I will take this up with the counselor Friday. At the moment Mrs. Ray is not interested in Retrouvaille style dialog. But I believe it will be beneficial down the road. Any suggestions will be welcome, either by comment here, or email to my contact.

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* bête noire: something that makes life miserable. French for "black beast".

What's Next?

As I write this, I have no hope that Mrs. Ray will think about getting back together with me. BUT, I do believe my marriage is valuable enough to keep working at it. I have hope in God, Who gave us both this marriage, and has definitely blessed us through it.

Some have told me I have way lots of patience. I don't know. I place this conviction with LOVE. My love for Mrs. Ray has not given out, though Hope has. But both of us (and you) were created by a God who loves and cares for us enough to have seen His Son sacrificed that we may enjoy His company.

Jesus said that even the most worldly father would give their son a fish when he asked for it (instead of a snake). So how much more will God care for His children? This is my belief, my hope and my prayer.

Oh, yes. The final (I think) episode of Amazing Race is Sunday night. Mrs. Ray already invited herself over for talking & to watch the Race. Maybe there always is hope of some kind!

Redefining the Situation

Start Here:
For the most part, I have stayed away from the actual issues involved. But today with the counselor (and Mrs. Ray in attendance) I discovered my "so-called control issues" might be better defined as my expectations: I might expect Mrs. Ray to act a certain way or do a particular thing. And if she doesn't, well I could possibly get upset, or worse.

Stepping Stone:
From Mrs. Ray's point of view, I am working to control her actions and attitudes, since I get upset if things don't go the way I expect/want them to. But from my POV, I was just hoping Mrs. Ray could sit on the couch next to me for a bit longer, for example.

Stepping Stone:
This is "my POV"/"her POV" simply points me back into a book Mrs. Ray and I began (oh so long ago) to discuss together: Cloud & Townsend's Boundaries in Marriage. Yes, these control issues are really boundaries.

End Here:
Don't you just hate it when your 4" thick skull is just too hard to get through without trauma like this?

Now, How do I rearrange my thinking, and work to show Mrs. Ray I now understand better the things she's been harping on for over a year. (Not to mean "harping" in a bad way, but before, that's how I felt. Now I know better.)

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Waiting. Mrs. Ray emailed me. She wants to see the counselor with me on Friday.

(No title. You've seen it before.)

In a long answer to an email I sent Mrs. Ray this morning, she closes with this comment:

I wish you no harm: I just cannot stay married to you. It is simply too emotionally draining and frustrating.

Yes, there's lots more, and I don't want to bring all these details out here. But, needless to say, I feel sad.

I wish I could end it here. I can't. Something within me tells me to continue working and praying. I really feel I have no hope. But I have faith in what God can do, and and love for Mrs. Ray.

It is a weird feeling. I love her, but I also see no hope.

I made promises before God to Mrs. Ray. I do consider them some of the most important promises anyone can make. It won't be easy for me to withdraw these promises, even though Mrs. Ray seems to have done so.

Wicked Day

Mrs. Ray had bought tickets for Wicked the Musical in LA. That's a two hour drive down & two back. Good play!

When we got back in town, Mrs. Ray asked me to just drop her off - she couldn't invite me in, as she's got school work yet. I was looking forward to a few minutes stretching my legs & a quiet moment or two with her. That was not to be. In frustration, I barely said goodbye, and spun the tires leaving the parking lot.

Mrs. Ray took that as 1) childish behavior on my part and 2) punishment for her because I did not get my way (whatever that might be). No, this isn't the first time such a simple, small event got blown up like this. But it fits the pattern.

She called later to explain this to me. Well, I did go over to her apartment, as I felt these things should be discussed face to face. The upshot is Mrs. Ray cannot take my behavior like this any more. Although Saturday she said she'd extend her deadline (or whatever you call it) to next Friday when I meet again with the counselor, she dropped that to say that our marriage was certainly over.

I know, I've heard that before. But each time I MUST take it as gospel truth. So, once again, I post my going-out-of-business note and thank all my readers. Cynical? Sarcastic? Yes. Truthful? yes, I need to believe her.

I gave up hope on my own a week or so ago. I only pray for God to take Action to heal an otherwise Heaven-sent marriage. There is nothing more I'm able to do.

Mrs. Ray reveals that she sees counseling has not worked. She never did like the Retrouvaille program I insisted on attending. I have not changed.

I don't know what to do. I pray a lot, as always. I need God to reach out and touch and heal both of us and our marriage. However if Mrs. Ray chooses NOT to love or participate in this marriage, all is lost.

Mystery Date?

OK, Mr. Ray, let me get this straight: your wife wants a divorce. In fact, she's served you the papers and has said several times, even up to yesterday "I've made my decision". Right?
Yeah.
And then today (Saturday) your beloved calls you and says "Without asking too many questions, are you available tomorrow from, say mid-morning to mid-afternoon?" This woman who wants to, in fact has already, moved out on you?
Yeah. She called me and asked me that.
Do you think she's setting you up and have somebody jump you?
No. She was nice on the phone, but that don't mean nothin'!
OK, Einstein, and you didn't ask any questions at all?
I did ask one: "That means I won't be going to church?"
Well, duhh! You Baptists always go from 11:00 to 12:00 sharp! I know that! And so if you went with your sweetie, you'd be blowing off church!
I guess so. But I'm always praying to God to help me get Mrs. Ray back by my side. And if this does it, great. Besides, haven't you missed church for say, football?
Superbowl is different. Besides, I'm the one asking the questions. Back to the matter at hand. So you agreed to go with the Missus to do whatever she says? Are you nuts?
I'll get back to you on this. Tomorrow. Promise!

Aaaarrghhh! (In a good way)

At the counselor, we all went over some of Mrs. Ray's issues with me. The reason for this meeting was to focus on my control and trust issues that Mrs. Ray has with me. Counselor worked with both of us - some choice words for Mrs. Ray, and many more choice words for me. I agreed to a meeting next week, but Mrs. Ray won't be able to make it. (And I'm the guest of honor, anyway.)

Mrs. Ray has not changed her mind, after all. Still moving toward the divorce. At the parking lot, we go our separate ways.

Not long after I get home, Mrs. Ray called. (Here's the "Aarrgh" part) Dear Reader, I need to cut to the chase, here, and skip words I should write. (It's late, and I've forgotten most of these words, anyway.) I get the distinct impression that Mrs. Ray really wants to get back together, but, and that's a big but, she has run out of patience with my trying to "fix" myself. I think there's life in this marriage, yet, but I must treat it with great care, or it will just snuff out.

For six months I've been trying to make the needed changes (not to worry, they're all to the good), but in this town, most counselors and such are so booked, we can only meet every three weeks or so. And many counselors don't even return calls when I'm working down the insurance list!

I've said I've given up hope myself, in my efforts to rebuild our marriage. But I have never given up hope in God. More than daily I ask Him to help out. One friend said, now that I've given up, God can step in and do His work. Maybe so.

Going through the motions

Today Mrs. Ray and I have a meeting with the counselor (The one who told me what my options were). My hope in our marriage is gone. Mrs. Ray and I have not communicated since Sunday. I have prayed every day and night that God might oblige us with His grace, and touch us to heal our marriage. At this moment I do feel it's all gone/over with. But that's because I'm in a vacuum in knowing how Mrs. Ray feels. I'll know more this afternoon, but it will be a long day.

Faint Optimism

In spite of recent (hopeful?) conversations, I'm not initiating any contact. And, Mrs. Ray visited the Paralegal today to check on our property separation agreement. True, time's ticking along. (Mrs. Ray is definitely moving in two months.) Although I continue to wear our ring, what hope I have left is only in God. I know the Miracle Window opened a bit last weekend, but I need patience. Being hopeless has given me patience in this.

And Friday (three days away) we meet once more with the counselor.

Amazing (Race)

Mrs. Ray opened the door and walked in. (no phone call, or any other advance warning - just walked in. "It's my house, too!")
Since I had not added further comments to last night's conversation, she wanted to hear more from me about the issues. So we talked more. I swear she was skirting around the words "another chance" without saying as much. But why would she want to hear more of my response to Saturday night's talk on issues??
Because God answers prayer. Miracles do happen. Mrs. Ray had agreed last night to see the counselor (the one who "messed up" - she likes the way he got after me!) to focus on my personal issues.
She's worried that I'm doing all this "work" to keep our marriage together, but if we do get back together, wouldn't one of us still be unhappy? My reply was that for my part, I've seriously considered her personality and style. I cannot fault her. I would not be unhappy continuing with Mrs. Ray as my wife. The Retrouvaille method of communication will be a powerful tool. I hope she will also see the value of associating with other couples who have been through this ringer.
Hope? No, my hope is used up. Some is filling my soul again, but my hope is constantly in my Heavenly Father, who gave Mrs. Ray and me our marriage in the first place six and a half years ago.
We watched Amazing Race and had ice cream.

Stirrings?

Today was the last Retrouvaille post session. Two couples who knew my situation urged me to go any way, even though I'd be single in a group of couples. Glad I did.

The session lasted from 1pm to 6pm, and being the final session, segued into the regular CORE meeting. That went till 9pm - a total of 8 Retro hours. Mrs. Ray called my cell phone late this evening. (On vibrate so to not interrupt the meeting.)

I called her around 9:30, she wanted to talk "face to face". I prayed all the way to her apartment, that God would give me any words that need to be said, that I will stay out of it. It had been raining, and Mrs. Ray thought I was on my motorcycle (Rain + Bike = on-the-side-of-the-road-in-a-ditch).

We sat on her couch. The first thing she said was that she was worried, since I had not returned her call. (Mrs. Ray didn't know about the extended day at Retrouvaille.) Becoming a bit emotional, she said she was worried and that part of her missed me. This part, I pray to God, might be cultivated back into a real marriage relationship. That's why I'm still afraid to talk directly to Mrs. Ray - I'd rather let God do that. I don't want to mess it up.

Mrs. Ray wanted to talk about some of the reasons she's leaving me. (Not to be aired here.) I believe even though she says it's for my own good, there's still part of her reaching out to me.

This is my prayer: Please God, as the Designer of Marriage, that you have granted in your grace to Mrs. Ray and me, I ask, as one of your children, that the small desire Mrs. Ray has for me be cultivated back, to heal our marriage, and that we again might enjoy the promises and joy found in a good marriage.

Yes, I do pray more than this, but hey, I don't want to type the whole thing out. I'm not that fast.

Keeping on Keeping On

"Anonymous" posted a sweet comment for "Shutting It Down" that I'd like to reply here.

Sometimes you have to know when to quit. I judge you have done all you can. I strongly believe in the power of hope and possibility, but maybe now it's time for you to concentrate on Mr. Ray.

My personal hope is used up. My love for Mrs. Ray continues. My hope in God and what He can do is constant. I have no reason to give up on God. When my wife (before Mrs. Ray) died of cancer in 2000, I wondered why God would permit Ann would be taken away. I still don't know. But God did fill an empty space in my heart with Mrs. Ray. I bring this up here to say that I continue with Faith in God, who watches over even the lilies of the field (that are simply thrown into the fire when the season's over) and will care for me (and all people) ever so much better.

Give up? I wrote an article on personal limits called "What's Your Summit?". My goal has not been met. But I've decided to give up for my own well being, and to avoid getting pathetic. But I've asked God to step in now, and work in both our lives - hopefully to bring us together.

Thank you, Anonymous, for your support and prayer. I do know God is in and around this situation, as He is in any marriage. I just wish our rebuilding efforts would have been successful. Today is the day for the last Retrouvaille Post session. The only one we will have missed. I sure hope we will have the opportunity to make it up! :-)

Shutting it down

The counselor who messed it up last week contacted Mrs. Ray to see what he could do. (I missed his call, but he did leave a voice message.)

Mrs. Ray is set - she has made her decision. I have been in similar situations, and know what I must do emotionally. I don't really want to give up, but I feel there is small chance of any life in our marriage. Yes, I have bitterness, but it is not in me to dwell there or cultivate it.

Mrs. Ray has already (around Christmas) filed the divorce papers, and here in California, I have almost no recourse to fight it. I expect the final papers and stuff any time.

My feeling is now I must cut off as much contact as I can, and seal Mrs. Ray's part of my heart with thick scar tissue. This will hurt. I am sorry she has given up. I have ideas of what's behind it (don't we all really want to fix blame?) but I won't be airing it here.

For the last time, I guess, thank you readers for following my story, for praying, and for those comments you have offered.

I do believe the Retrouvaille system is powerful. Should I later find new love (I expect and want to) I want to try using the dialog from the get-go as a way to avoid what happened to Mrs. Ray and me.

I have no plans to close this blog down. It is dedicated to my marriage to Mrs. Ray, so the only things I can add will be from the relationship I have with her. My God has done greater things than revive dead marriages, and my prayer is still that Mrs. Ray and I can find our first love again. I have found the most significant readers here are from the Retrouvaille community. So, any new entries will certainly include that word.

Love, Ray

Winding it up

Since Tuesday, Mrs. Ray has told me twice and specifically that she has made her decision (and it does not include me). Today in church, speaking of God's power over death, Pastor Jim described Ezekiel's experience in the Valley of Dry Bones. Calling Ezekiel to prophesy, the dead bones first became covered with flesh, then rose up alive. God showed Ezekiel that lack of hope is not a factor in God's plans.

Well, that's where I'm at. My marriage to Mrs. Ray is in this valley. There's nothing more I am able to do, though I will be speaking with my Wife tomorrow (Monday).

Retrouvaille Contact

For what it's worth, I'd like to hear from Retrouvaille people. The Retrouvaille program is absolutely priceless in what it has done for us. (Well, almost - Mrs. Ray still seems to be moving on, but I can't take that as an answer.)

Send messages to "ray.sliding@gmail.com".

Thanks.

It seems to me that it's final now, but in talking to a few other Retrouvaille couples, they've seen "worse" situations that did work out. What do I have to lose?

Venting it all

Although Mrs. Ray has said at least three times "That's it! I'm through", this time I think it will stick. (I'm waiting for the Miracle window to open.)

When do I give up? Yeah, me, the guy who wrote about personal limits in "What's Your Summit?" on Glass Gloves. We still have the nuts and bolts of separating everything. I'll have to sign some papers. Take off my ring one last time. We have been to counseling, used dialog daily (check out Retrouvaille.org), prayed separately and together. I still love Mrs. Ray. I still want to do whatever it takes. But maybe now I don't have what it takes, from Mrs. Ray's point of view.

Final Result

"I would rather be lonely and not have someone to do fun things with than to lie next to someone I can't trust." -- Mrs. Ray



Thank you all for reading, praying and supporting. -- Ray

That feeling again....

We went to a new counselor today. I knew we had made a mistake in choosing this guy when he asks, "You guys are Christians," just like you'd ask "You guys are Republicans." (Without a question mark.) Later in the conversation, he looks at me, and says, "If you feel the need to get that kind of satisfaction, you can 1) have an affair, 2) find someone else, or 3) live with what you have. Why are you looking at me like that?"

I was staring at him sternly. I said, "I'm not looking for anyone else."

When Mrs. Ray and I came to the house and had lunch, she told me, after all that's happened this weekend (setting up and running a garage sale) and what the counselor said, "I think it will be best to continue with the divorce. I think the last times I've changed my mind, it's because I felt sorry for you, but I can't do that any more."

And we did not choose a dialog question.

Coasting

Mrs. Ray and I spent Sunday at the local Kennel club dog show, though I'd much rather spend Palm Sunday at church. (See "Strategy" below.) In the last two weeks, Mrs. Ray and I have been on an even keel. I suppose part of it may be we're set to see a (new) counselor Tuesday, and we're just waiting. The Tuesday counseling session is one hour, and it's the introductory one. I'm sure something will come out of it, though. We continue the dialogs daily (OK, Thursday and Friday we were just too tired, but we did spend a few minutes in affirming conversation. Try that some time, marriage problems or not!) No big ups and downs.

My strategy for now is to try not to make any decisions, even if Mrs. Ray says something like "You choose the restaurant this time." I have found that If I make a suggestion when we're working together on something, she gets rather sharp talking back to me. I feel it's just the sensitivity of a sore - you find out just how much you use your third (ring) finger when you get a paper cut there!

I am still amazed at the Retrouvaille presenters. They feel so strongly about what they're doing, they will stop their presentation, look at the group, and say "If you have any question or problem, call us! Do not hesitate! We are serious about this!" Some of the couples have traveled three hours (through Los Angeles) to come give a talk. My hat is off to them!

I think I'll write a letter to Phil Keoghan of CBS's Amazing Race. We have not missed watching a single episode together. Even in the most "separate" of Sundays, we manage to get together on a couch to watch the show. I can't say it's really true, but it's close, that "Amazing Race saved our marriage!"