In the moment Sunday evening when I was so stupidly helpful to Mrs. Ray's desire to end our marriage, I has suggested that she remove her wedding and engagement rings. I removed mine. The next morning I realized what I had done, and continued to wear the symbol of my Promise to Mrs. Ray under God. Mrs. Ray kept her hand ring free.
This evening, I noticed a flash of gold on Mrs. Ray's left ring finger. For a brief instant, I was happy that she wasn't showing her distaste for our marriage that way. Then I took another look - she has put some other ring (even has some diamond flashes on it) in place of the rings that I had given her six years ago.
Well, in the emotional state I'm in, it would have felt better if someone had just kicked the living tar out of me.
I feel prayed out. (my prayers to God have just become repeating "Help me please!" over and over.) I am emotionally exhausted. I still cannot let go of my marriage. Even though Mrs. Ray might give up, I still want to find the underlying problem (whether it's in me or Mrs. Ray)
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Dear Ray
I was deeply touched by your blog when I came across it by chance today and I pray that you be reconciled to one another. You clearly love your wife very much and are a man of sincere prayer so I have faith that your prayers will be heard. For what it's worth, and it may not be worth very much, I wanted to say your story reminds me of times when I've prayed for divine intervention when later I realised that I was looking for it in the wrong place, praying in the wrong way. In such difficult times, it's easy to be so wracked by guilt and self-criticism that one isn't at peace with oneself, but I believe that one can only say 'yes' to someone else once one has said 'yes' to oneself. You are clearly frustrated with yourself for what you have failed to do, but I pray that things may improve if you come to love yourself more dearly. Your wife does still love you --it doesn't sound like she's given up hope from what you say--and God loves you as a firstborn son. You must not hate what God loves and has destined for eternal life. This isn't easy, of course--as Bernanos says in his Diary of a Country Priest, it is not difficult to hate oneself; the grace of all graces would however be to love oneself as a member of the body of Christ...
Dear Ray
It's me again. Just looking back for any new posts, I remembered a film which might be preferable to the awful Borat. Have you ever seen The Story of Us? A remarkable tale of great marital strife; the couple are about to announce to their children that they're divorcing and it's only at the very last minute, when all hope appears to have gone, that they finally reconcile themselves to one another, confess their failings and manage to forgive each other and renew their love. Something to watch together maybe? Just a thought.
I continue to remember you in my prayers, Ray. God bless you both this Advent.
Thank you Anon. My frustration is in my search within for that "Plank" Jesus speaks of that I do not see. I'd dearly love to correct myself. I find no fault in Mrs. Ray, though it would be so easy to point fingers. (Well, just who can I myself change, after all?)
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.
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