One Year Later

Our anniversary is on November 11. We took a weekend trip to see the fall foliage - something that you just don't get in California. Though there's still some rough spots (don we all have to deal with these?) it looks like we're going to make it. Many people have supported us, separately and together, and some, I'm sure, have prayed for us more or less anonymously, Thank you all.

Stress Test

Last year we had planned to move from Bakersfield to Arkansas. Mrs. Ray had never changed her plan, but of course if we were separated I would stay in California. Since getting back together, and recommitting ourselves to our relationship, Mrs Ray had located a house and we purchased it. (This included house financing in both our names together.)

In the weeks from July into August, we made our move. We did most of the work ourselves (and the help of many friends in both places). If you've ever made a major cross country move, you know the stress involved, On top of that, it was 102˚F the days we packed up in Bakersfield. I worked hard, but Mrs. Ray can't hold up in that heat. (Much earlier, we had had a Retrouvaille dialog about this, which helped me get a better understanding of Mrs. Ray's endurance in heat.) At one point I was worried I'd hear her say, "I can't continue in this relationship". But when Mrs. Ray said we really needed to talk one evening (our last night in Bakersfield, at a hotel), her words were "I really do want to make our marriage work". Yes, it was stressful to pack up and load our stuff in a short time. But inside I was so glad to hear Mrs. Ray say this. We talked through our issues, and went to sleep.

The next day was a series of late appointments before we headed east. But around 4 o'clock we finally got a start. Our drive turned into a nice road trip. And I feel we were able to find some of the old happiness we both felt as we did one of our favorite things we called "driving around aimlessly".

As I write this, our new home is packed full of boxes. We can barely move around, but we are both happy for the new place. The high point for me was last night, laying in bed, Mrs. Ray smiled at me and quietly said, "I love you".

Moving on, Moving out

Here's an update.
Mrs. Ray had to move to the midwest, as planned, about three weeks ago (Mid June), while I stayed here to finish some college courses. Using our Retrouvaille dialog time we found we both agreed the separation on good terms would help us out - we had the time to re-think our relationship, and build quite a desire to see each other again.

So far so good. This may or may not be practical for readers. but it seems to have some value. I will post the occasional update so you will see if it's worth it.

I plan to leave this blog available for all. Today an anonymous reader left a comment stating this blog has helped in rebuilding his (her?) marriage. That's why it's here in the first place.

For a more interactive source of help, offered by those who have also been through this particular wringer, go to Glass Gloves for a different blog, an open forum, and a Marriage Saving Guide Wiki.

God Bless.

Calling it Off ;-)

We were talking about the different way we pronounce certain words (I say "CARE-a-mel" she says "CAR-mel). I sent Mrs. Ray a link to the lyrics of "Let's call the Whole Thing Off" (The To-MAY-to/To-MAH-to song).

Here's her reply:

Subject: RE: Let's call the whole thing off
From: Mrs. Ray
Date: 5/21/2007 11:20 PM
To: Ray

I like this idea best:

So we better call the calling off off

BTW - in the middle of the song, the singer decides to give up his pajahmas and wear pajamas so they will not need to part.

How I did it.

Mrs. Ray and I are solidly on the way to rebuilding our marriage. We've been dialogging nearly every day. How did I manage to convince Mrs. Ray to get back together?

I didn't. I gave up. Read it: April 23 - "(No title. You've seen it before.)"

Since that time, all I did was hope. Mrs. Ray and I had very little contact between April 23 and May 5 ("Mrs. Ray's Thoughts:"). The occasional phone call or email about things, but no real attempt on getting back together. The one thing I did do was pray, and ask God to handle the situation.

So, there was nothing I did, after Mrs. Ray's Final Decision. But God was able to work on her heart and mind, to re-open a door she had closed. God has a definite opinion on divorce. I'm sure He is not interested in taking part in messing up something He created and gave to us.

We have sold the house (Mrs. Ray's already moved out you know), and I move out in the first week of June. Yes, then I'll move in with my wife (!!) until she takes off "back east". We agree that the following two months we will continue Retrouvaille dialog and continue to work on our relationship. The we should be back together, "Happily Ever After"

It's Over ... and Beginning Again

Friday we went to the counselor - both of us. Friday Mrs. Ray and I had dinner together, and ahem, breakfast on Saturday. In the last week, Mrs. Ray began working on her "best wish". We restarted daily Retrouvaille style dialog. We discussed the plans, scheduling and logistics of Mrs. Ray's moving to the Midwest in June, and I to follow at the end of July. (I'm taking classes till then.)

One of our dialog questions was:

As we rebuild our marriage, HDIF* about then being separated for two months?

Both of us wrote that it would be a good thing. We will continue dialog, learning more about each other in ways you just won't get any other way.

I think we're now on our way to Even Happier Ever After!

---

Reflection
I have counted 15 individuals I have talked/emailed with. Some are friends I see daily, some I only know a name they use in emails. Two Retrouvaille contacts I "met" here on this blog have been very supportive. Thank you Pittsburgh and Savannah, Georgia: 8-o MWAH** Some of your advice was instrumental in keeping me on track. Working against a divorce does require lots of support from true friends of all kinds.

And I have one good friend I could not do without - my Lord in Heaven. I have focused on following His will. Sometimes, you may have noticed, I pretty much gave up. But God doesn't necessarily do that. He kept working when all I could do is just pass the days and wait for I don't know what. He has a definite opinion about divorce. No, not when Jesus says "except for unfaithfulness" in Matthew 5:32, but in the Old Testament. In Malachi 2:16 my translation goes something like this: "'I hate divorce,' says the LORD God of Israel. 'Any questions about that?'"

I have searched myself to find fault in my marriage and before the Lord. I have found some things, and I am working on them. Note I do not point fingers at Mrs. Ray here. The one person I have the best chance of getting fixed is me, so that's where I started.

In this blog, I have called regaining my marriage my Life's Great Work. I was mistaken. My marriage is my Life's Great work! So, my job is not done - I had been remiss for seven years. So actually, my big job is only beginning!

---

* Secret Retrouvaille acronym known but to few. How Do You Feel about that?
* Not an acronym - the sound of a big kiss!

Added August 4, 2008:
I finally cannot resist adding this. This is the point in the story that I really knew we were back together: We had a house to sell, since November, 2006. But I do believe that God would not allow our house to sell until our marriage situation was decided - one way or the other.

Well, Mrs. Ray and I were talking into the night Friday, and by 10:00pm we had decided to make another "go" of it. Well, just after 10, the phone rang. The Broker had an offer for us!! He had called at 10 pm!! Late at night!! He didn't wait till morning, the broker called just after Mrs. Ray and I had come to an important decision! (He didn't know that.)
There were quite a few things Mrs Ray and I had to work out, yet, but that phone call was the Moment I knew my prayers were answered.

Mrs. Ray's "best wish"

Mrs. Ray had been really sick over the weekend - stayed home from work Monday. So she just stayed home, trying to get better. Tonight she called to ask about my thoughts about her last email (See "Mrs Ray's Thoughts"). I said it's much better in person, so she agreed that I come over to talk. (Oh, and to watch the finale of Amazing Race!)

Results of the talk: Mrs. Ray true "best wish" is to be married to me. But she is still frightened to be "stuck" with a controlling husband. I pointed out that controlling her is the last thing I'd ever want to do, and the counselor was working with me on this. I asked her to let me know immediately when she has these feelings.

We agreed to work seriously on reconciliation, including starting Retrouvaille daily dialogs again to keep communication open. I asked her to really commit, to not just bolt for the door when she has bad feelings, and rather to "stop everything" and find out what's going on.

I think we're finally around the last turn. I pray daily for our marriage as I put my wedding ring on my finger in the morning. I pray daily for our marriage before I go to sleep at night. We have a lot of "stuff" to work through, but I believe it can be done.

Mrs. Ray's Thoughts:

I have stated here that I actually have given up hoping Mrs. Ray would "come around", though that is still my dream. Even after a few times recently that she has said "I've made my decision."
Late last (Friday) night, Mrs. Ray sent me a message. I'm quoting the whole thing here. I'm glad God hears prayer and does not give up like us puny humans tend to do.

Subject: Sorry
From: Mrs. Ray
Date: Fri, 4 May 2007 22:46:51 -0700
To: Ray
I’m about to go to bed and I thought I’d write you a note. I’m sorry that I am not feeling well and that we couldn’t get together tonight. How did your session go? Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow or Sunday and we can get together to do something fun and just talk, too. I want to come see the dogs, too, because I really miss them.

I know the last few months have been difficult, and I am sorry that I have been unable to wholeheartedly return to you. I still don’t know if it will work, but I am willing to talk a little more about it and spend a little time. It would be my “best wish” for things to be good enough for me to feel good about remaining married. I just have to be sure, and right now I am not sure.

I do appreciate that you have hung in there, prayed, gone to counseling, and tried to “fix” things. I’m just sorry that things couldn’t have gotten better months ago, so we wouldn’t be up against this time pressure. It sure doesn’t help the situation for either of us.

I will talk to you tomorrow.

Mrs. Ray

Bête noire *

Sunday Mrs. Ray came over for dinner, talk, and, of course, Amazing Race.

We shared some parts of Boundaries for Marriage. My main point was the realization I described in "Redefining the Situation", that the issues I saw about control led directly from expectations to boundaries.

Now there are two problems I need to deal with: 1) Why did it take so long? (six months or more) and 2) - the real bête noire - How will Mrs. Ray know now that I understand and will work to make changes permanent? It wouldn't be so bad if she was sticking around here, but Mrs. Ray does have solid plans to move to the Midwest in June. (My plans would be to stay here through summer school, them move to be with her.) How could she manage to live with me (as her husband) if shes not sure if I'll return to the "old" me?

I have about 1 month to work out this issue. I will take this up with the counselor Friday. At the moment Mrs. Ray is not interested in Retrouvaille style dialog. But I believe it will be beneficial down the road. Any suggestions will be welcome, either by comment here, or email to my contact.

---

* bête noire: something that makes life miserable. French for "black beast".

What's Next?

As I write this, I have no hope that Mrs. Ray will think about getting back together with me. BUT, I do believe my marriage is valuable enough to keep working at it. I have hope in God, Who gave us both this marriage, and has definitely blessed us through it.

Some have told me I have way lots of patience. I don't know. I place this conviction with LOVE. My love for Mrs. Ray has not given out, though Hope has. But both of us (and you) were created by a God who loves and cares for us enough to have seen His Son sacrificed that we may enjoy His company.

Jesus said that even the most worldly father would give their son a fish when he asked for it (instead of a snake). So how much more will God care for His children? This is my belief, my hope and my prayer.

Oh, yes. The final (I think) episode of Amazing Race is Sunday night. Mrs. Ray already invited herself over for talking & to watch the Race. Maybe there always is hope of some kind!

Redefining the Situation

Start Here:
For the most part, I have stayed away from the actual issues involved. But today with the counselor (and Mrs. Ray in attendance) I discovered my "so-called control issues" might be better defined as my expectations: I might expect Mrs. Ray to act a certain way or do a particular thing. And if she doesn't, well I could possibly get upset, or worse.

Stepping Stone:
From Mrs. Ray's point of view, I am working to control her actions and attitudes, since I get upset if things don't go the way I expect/want them to. But from my POV, I was just hoping Mrs. Ray could sit on the couch next to me for a bit longer, for example.

Stepping Stone:
This is "my POV"/"her POV" simply points me back into a book Mrs. Ray and I began (oh so long ago) to discuss together: Cloud & Townsend's Boundaries in Marriage. Yes, these control issues are really boundaries.

End Here:
Don't you just hate it when your 4" thick skull is just too hard to get through without trauma like this?

Now, How do I rearrange my thinking, and work to show Mrs. Ray I now understand better the things she's been harping on for over a year. (Not to mean "harping" in a bad way, but before, that's how I felt. Now I know better.)

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Waiting. Mrs. Ray emailed me. She wants to see the counselor with me on Friday.

(No title. You've seen it before.)

In a long answer to an email I sent Mrs. Ray this morning, she closes with this comment:

I wish you no harm: I just cannot stay married to you. It is simply too emotionally draining and frustrating.

Yes, there's lots more, and I don't want to bring all these details out here. But, needless to say, I feel sad.

I wish I could end it here. I can't. Something within me tells me to continue working and praying. I really feel I have no hope. But I have faith in what God can do, and and love for Mrs. Ray.

It is a weird feeling. I love her, but I also see no hope.

I made promises before God to Mrs. Ray. I do consider them some of the most important promises anyone can make. It won't be easy for me to withdraw these promises, even though Mrs. Ray seems to have done so.

Wicked Day

Mrs. Ray had bought tickets for Wicked the Musical in LA. That's a two hour drive down & two back. Good play!

When we got back in town, Mrs. Ray asked me to just drop her off - she couldn't invite me in, as she's got school work yet. I was looking forward to a few minutes stretching my legs & a quiet moment or two with her. That was not to be. In frustration, I barely said goodbye, and spun the tires leaving the parking lot.

Mrs. Ray took that as 1) childish behavior on my part and 2) punishment for her because I did not get my way (whatever that might be). No, this isn't the first time such a simple, small event got blown up like this. But it fits the pattern.

She called later to explain this to me. Well, I did go over to her apartment, as I felt these things should be discussed face to face. The upshot is Mrs. Ray cannot take my behavior like this any more. Although Saturday she said she'd extend her deadline (or whatever you call it) to next Friday when I meet again with the counselor, she dropped that to say that our marriage was certainly over.

I know, I've heard that before. But each time I MUST take it as gospel truth. So, once again, I post my going-out-of-business note and thank all my readers. Cynical? Sarcastic? Yes. Truthful? yes, I need to believe her.

I gave up hope on my own a week or so ago. I only pray for God to take Action to heal an otherwise Heaven-sent marriage. There is nothing more I'm able to do.

Mrs. Ray reveals that she sees counseling has not worked. She never did like the Retrouvaille program I insisted on attending. I have not changed.

I don't know what to do. I pray a lot, as always. I need God to reach out and touch and heal both of us and our marriage. However if Mrs. Ray chooses NOT to love or participate in this marriage, all is lost.

Mystery Date?

OK, Mr. Ray, let me get this straight: your wife wants a divorce. In fact, she's served you the papers and has said several times, even up to yesterday "I've made my decision". Right?
Yeah.
And then today (Saturday) your beloved calls you and says "Without asking too many questions, are you available tomorrow from, say mid-morning to mid-afternoon?" This woman who wants to, in fact has already, moved out on you?
Yeah. She called me and asked me that.
Do you think she's setting you up and have somebody jump you?
No. She was nice on the phone, but that don't mean nothin'!
OK, Einstein, and you didn't ask any questions at all?
I did ask one: "That means I won't be going to church?"
Well, duhh! You Baptists always go from 11:00 to 12:00 sharp! I know that! And so if you went with your sweetie, you'd be blowing off church!
I guess so. But I'm always praying to God to help me get Mrs. Ray back by my side. And if this does it, great. Besides, haven't you missed church for say, football?
Superbowl is different. Besides, I'm the one asking the questions. Back to the matter at hand. So you agreed to go with the Missus to do whatever she says? Are you nuts?
I'll get back to you on this. Tomorrow. Promise!

Aaaarrghhh! (In a good way)

At the counselor, we all went over some of Mrs. Ray's issues with me. The reason for this meeting was to focus on my control and trust issues that Mrs. Ray has with me. Counselor worked with both of us - some choice words for Mrs. Ray, and many more choice words for me. I agreed to a meeting next week, but Mrs. Ray won't be able to make it. (And I'm the guest of honor, anyway.)

Mrs. Ray has not changed her mind, after all. Still moving toward the divorce. At the parking lot, we go our separate ways.

Not long after I get home, Mrs. Ray called. (Here's the "Aarrgh" part) Dear Reader, I need to cut to the chase, here, and skip words I should write. (It's late, and I've forgotten most of these words, anyway.) I get the distinct impression that Mrs. Ray really wants to get back together, but, and that's a big but, she has run out of patience with my trying to "fix" myself. I think there's life in this marriage, yet, but I must treat it with great care, or it will just snuff out.

For six months I've been trying to make the needed changes (not to worry, they're all to the good), but in this town, most counselors and such are so booked, we can only meet every three weeks or so. And many counselors don't even return calls when I'm working down the insurance list!

I've said I've given up hope myself, in my efforts to rebuild our marriage. But I have never given up hope in God. More than daily I ask Him to help out. One friend said, now that I've given up, God can step in and do His work. Maybe so.

Going through the motions

Today Mrs. Ray and I have a meeting with the counselor (The one who told me what my options were). My hope in our marriage is gone. Mrs. Ray and I have not communicated since Sunday. I have prayed every day and night that God might oblige us with His grace, and touch us to heal our marriage. At this moment I do feel it's all gone/over with. But that's because I'm in a vacuum in knowing how Mrs. Ray feels. I'll know more this afternoon, but it will be a long day.

Faint Optimism

In spite of recent (hopeful?) conversations, I'm not initiating any contact. And, Mrs. Ray visited the Paralegal today to check on our property separation agreement. True, time's ticking along. (Mrs. Ray is definitely moving in two months.) Although I continue to wear our ring, what hope I have left is only in God. I know the Miracle Window opened a bit last weekend, but I need patience. Being hopeless has given me patience in this.

And Friday (three days away) we meet once more with the counselor.

Amazing (Race)

Mrs. Ray opened the door and walked in. (no phone call, or any other advance warning - just walked in. "It's my house, too!")
Since I had not added further comments to last night's conversation, she wanted to hear more from me about the issues. So we talked more. I swear she was skirting around the words "another chance" without saying as much. But why would she want to hear more of my response to Saturday night's talk on issues??
Because God answers prayer. Miracles do happen. Mrs. Ray had agreed last night to see the counselor (the one who "messed up" - she likes the way he got after me!) to focus on my personal issues.
She's worried that I'm doing all this "work" to keep our marriage together, but if we do get back together, wouldn't one of us still be unhappy? My reply was that for my part, I've seriously considered her personality and style. I cannot fault her. I would not be unhappy continuing with Mrs. Ray as my wife. The Retrouvaille method of communication will be a powerful tool. I hope she will also see the value of associating with other couples who have been through this ringer.
Hope? No, my hope is used up. Some is filling my soul again, but my hope is constantly in my Heavenly Father, who gave Mrs. Ray and me our marriage in the first place six and a half years ago.
We watched Amazing Race and had ice cream.

Stirrings?

Today was the last Retrouvaille post session. Two couples who knew my situation urged me to go any way, even though I'd be single in a group of couples. Glad I did.

The session lasted from 1pm to 6pm, and being the final session, segued into the regular CORE meeting. That went till 9pm - a total of 8 Retro hours. Mrs. Ray called my cell phone late this evening. (On vibrate so to not interrupt the meeting.)

I called her around 9:30, she wanted to talk "face to face". I prayed all the way to her apartment, that God would give me any words that need to be said, that I will stay out of it. It had been raining, and Mrs. Ray thought I was on my motorcycle (Rain + Bike = on-the-side-of-the-road-in-a-ditch).

We sat on her couch. The first thing she said was that she was worried, since I had not returned her call. (Mrs. Ray didn't know about the extended day at Retrouvaille.) Becoming a bit emotional, she said she was worried and that part of her missed me. This part, I pray to God, might be cultivated back into a real marriage relationship. That's why I'm still afraid to talk directly to Mrs. Ray - I'd rather let God do that. I don't want to mess it up.

Mrs. Ray wanted to talk about some of the reasons she's leaving me. (Not to be aired here.) I believe even though she says it's for my own good, there's still part of her reaching out to me.

This is my prayer: Please God, as the Designer of Marriage, that you have granted in your grace to Mrs. Ray and me, I ask, as one of your children, that the small desire Mrs. Ray has for me be cultivated back, to heal our marriage, and that we again might enjoy the promises and joy found in a good marriage.

Yes, I do pray more than this, but hey, I don't want to type the whole thing out. I'm not that fast.

Keeping on Keeping On

"Anonymous" posted a sweet comment for "Shutting It Down" that I'd like to reply here.

Sometimes you have to know when to quit. I judge you have done all you can. I strongly believe in the power of hope and possibility, but maybe now it's time for you to concentrate on Mr. Ray.

My personal hope is used up. My love for Mrs. Ray continues. My hope in God and what He can do is constant. I have no reason to give up on God. When my wife (before Mrs. Ray) died of cancer in 2000, I wondered why God would permit Ann would be taken away. I still don't know. But God did fill an empty space in my heart with Mrs. Ray. I bring this up here to say that I continue with Faith in God, who watches over even the lilies of the field (that are simply thrown into the fire when the season's over) and will care for me (and all people) ever so much better.

Give up? I wrote an article on personal limits called "What's Your Summit?". My goal has not been met. But I've decided to give up for my own well being, and to avoid getting pathetic. But I've asked God to step in now, and work in both our lives - hopefully to bring us together.

Thank you, Anonymous, for your support and prayer. I do know God is in and around this situation, as He is in any marriage. I just wish our rebuilding efforts would have been successful. Today is the day for the last Retrouvaille Post session. The only one we will have missed. I sure hope we will have the opportunity to make it up! :-)

Shutting it down

The counselor who messed it up last week contacted Mrs. Ray to see what he could do. (I missed his call, but he did leave a voice message.)

Mrs. Ray is set - she has made her decision. I have been in similar situations, and know what I must do emotionally. I don't really want to give up, but I feel there is small chance of any life in our marriage. Yes, I have bitterness, but it is not in me to dwell there or cultivate it.

Mrs. Ray has already (around Christmas) filed the divorce papers, and here in California, I have almost no recourse to fight it. I expect the final papers and stuff any time.

My feeling is now I must cut off as much contact as I can, and seal Mrs. Ray's part of my heart with thick scar tissue. This will hurt. I am sorry she has given up. I have ideas of what's behind it (don't we all really want to fix blame?) but I won't be airing it here.

For the last time, I guess, thank you readers for following my story, for praying, and for those comments you have offered.

I do believe the Retrouvaille system is powerful. Should I later find new love (I expect and want to) I want to try using the dialog from the get-go as a way to avoid what happened to Mrs. Ray and me.

I have no plans to close this blog down. It is dedicated to my marriage to Mrs. Ray, so the only things I can add will be from the relationship I have with her. My God has done greater things than revive dead marriages, and my prayer is still that Mrs. Ray and I can find our first love again. I have found the most significant readers here are from the Retrouvaille community. So, any new entries will certainly include that word.

Love, Ray

Winding it up

Since Tuesday, Mrs. Ray has told me twice and specifically that she has made her decision (and it does not include me). Today in church, speaking of God's power over death, Pastor Jim described Ezekiel's experience in the Valley of Dry Bones. Calling Ezekiel to prophesy, the dead bones first became covered with flesh, then rose up alive. God showed Ezekiel that lack of hope is not a factor in God's plans.

Well, that's where I'm at. My marriage to Mrs. Ray is in this valley. There's nothing more I am able to do, though I will be speaking with my Wife tomorrow (Monday).

Retrouvaille Contact

For what it's worth, I'd like to hear from Retrouvaille people. The Retrouvaille program is absolutely priceless in what it has done for us. (Well, almost - Mrs. Ray still seems to be moving on, but I can't take that as an answer.)

Send messages to "ray.sliding@gmail.com".

Thanks.

It seems to me that it's final now, but in talking to a few other Retrouvaille couples, they've seen "worse" situations that did work out. What do I have to lose?

Venting it all

Although Mrs. Ray has said at least three times "That's it! I'm through", this time I think it will stick. (I'm waiting for the Miracle window to open.)

When do I give up? Yeah, me, the guy who wrote about personal limits in "What's Your Summit?" on Glass Gloves. We still have the nuts and bolts of separating everything. I'll have to sign some papers. Take off my ring one last time. We have been to counseling, used dialog daily (check out Retrouvaille.org), prayed separately and together. I still love Mrs. Ray. I still want to do whatever it takes. But maybe now I don't have what it takes, from Mrs. Ray's point of view.

Final Result

"I would rather be lonely and not have someone to do fun things with than to lie next to someone I can't trust." -- Mrs. Ray



Thank you all for reading, praying and supporting. -- Ray

That feeling again....

We went to a new counselor today. I knew we had made a mistake in choosing this guy when he asks, "You guys are Christians," just like you'd ask "You guys are Republicans." (Without a question mark.) Later in the conversation, he looks at me, and says, "If you feel the need to get that kind of satisfaction, you can 1) have an affair, 2) find someone else, or 3) live with what you have. Why are you looking at me like that?"

I was staring at him sternly. I said, "I'm not looking for anyone else."

When Mrs. Ray and I came to the house and had lunch, she told me, after all that's happened this weekend (setting up and running a garage sale) and what the counselor said, "I think it will be best to continue with the divorce. I think the last times I've changed my mind, it's because I felt sorry for you, but I can't do that any more."

And we did not choose a dialog question.

Coasting

Mrs. Ray and I spent Sunday at the local Kennel club dog show, though I'd much rather spend Palm Sunday at church. (See "Strategy" below.) In the last two weeks, Mrs. Ray and I have been on an even keel. I suppose part of it may be we're set to see a (new) counselor Tuesday, and we're just waiting. The Tuesday counseling session is one hour, and it's the introductory one. I'm sure something will come out of it, though. We continue the dialogs daily (OK, Thursday and Friday we were just too tired, but we did spend a few minutes in affirming conversation. Try that some time, marriage problems or not!) No big ups and downs.

My strategy for now is to try not to make any decisions, even if Mrs. Ray says something like "You choose the restaurant this time." I have found that If I make a suggestion when we're working together on something, she gets rather sharp talking back to me. I feel it's just the sensitivity of a sore - you find out just how much you use your third (ring) finger when you get a paper cut there!

I am still amazed at the Retrouvaille presenters. They feel so strongly about what they're doing, they will stop their presentation, look at the group, and say "If you have any question or problem, call us! Do not hesitate! We are serious about this!" Some of the couples have traveled three hours (through Los Angeles) to come give a talk. My hat is off to them!

I think I'll write a letter to Phil Keoghan of CBS's Amazing Race. We have not missed watching a single episode together. Even in the most "separate" of Sundays, we manage to get together on a couch to watch the show. I can't say it's really true, but it's close, that "Amazing Race saved our marriage!"

This just in....

As I was writing my last message, "Small talk" (9:40pm), Mrs. Ray was driving over to my house to talk some more. (She did not call or anything). She came in, and told me she felt terrible. Not for making me feel bad, but she is still torn between leaving or staying.

We talked some more. We already have an appointment for a marriage counselor in two weeks. She now promises to wait till we can see him. And we will still do those Retrouvaille dialogs till then.

Small talk

Mrs. Ray had some mysterious problem with her phone - the house phone system was not working. The phone company said their side was OK, and they'd gladly come out to check her wiring, for $50. She called you-know-who. I came over at 7:30 pm (on a school night!) to help figure out what was going on. I couldn't get much farther with fixing it. But we did talk more.

She told me "I've made my decision".

Well, I never had a decision to make, and it doesn't match Mrs. Ray's!

I guess I'll just have to play it by prayer now!

I left her apartment around 9:00 pm and went home.

Falling Apart

In the last three weeks, we continued our Retrouvaille dialog, faithfully went to Retrouvaille Post sessions, did a few things together. At the Post session this last Saturday (March 17), we practiced a technique for conflict resolution on, of all things “Hand Holding”. But in that discussion, I admitted a real need to be physically close to my wife at times. And Mrs. Ray admitted she could not really accommodate me in this manner. (There’s more to it, but just follow along.)

She went to visit her daughter (2 hour drive there & 2 hours back = 4 hours of thinking). Mrs. Ray asked to stop by to talk. What she wanted to say was she really cannot go on any more, and will begin the final proceedings for the divorce.

About six years ago, I made important promises, and I am going to have a hard time withdrawing them. Marriage promises, to me, are Life Promises. It will just be a big effort, with a lot of personal heartache, to make the adjustment.

My Life’s Great Work is over. I hold little hope that Mrs. Ray will reconsider. We still need to sell the house, and sort out our stuff. I will not be moving to Arkansas, after all.

Although the door remains open for her, I have little hope for our marriage any more. If some miracle happens, I’ll add a new post. Beyond that, it looks like it’s

The End

... or maybe not after all!
Updated with this line March 20

Coming Together

This last weekend was, well, pleasant. We spent time together (not all weekend), went to see Breach, went to church. The sermon was on Wilderness, meaning those times we see/feel little support. Wilderness played an important role in the major players in the Bible, from Abraham to Jesus and Paul. The idea rang true for both Mrs. Ray and me.

Late Sunday night, Mrs. Ray sent an email to me. After some thoughts on our situation, Mrs. Ray begins a paragraph with “The bottom line is, that I feel He [God] is telling me to trust you (and Him). Later she writes “If you can live with the changes that I need, then I am telling you that I want us to consider ourselves together, to sell our house, you move into the apartment…” And closes with OK – those are my thoughts. What are yours? I do want our marriage to work, and be happy and healthy for both of us.

I realize my dream of the last few months is complete. But my great work continues. Now it’s Our great work, as we come together to rebuild a marriage that drifted onto the Shoals of life over the seven years we’ve been together.

We are committed to the Retrouvaille dialogs, and we both understand our separation experience will be used by God to help other couples who are having these kinds of problems.

I will continue this blog, as we learn more about each other, and learn from our experiences how to build an even better marriage together. Thanks for reading and praying.

Not an easy road!

In the last episode, Mrs. Ray was ready go give up and move on/away. We did have Valentine dinner at her apartment - not too romantic but pleasant. Talked for quite a while, sometimes bordering on argument. Kind of just waiting for Saturday and the Retrouvaille session.

What a difference a Retrouvaille session makes! Mrs. Ray showed up at the house still upset for many things. We went to our 5 hour session (Post #2) and learned about our personalities and how our family of origin (the one(s) we grew up in) affect our adult selves. Both of us saw the many dimensions we bring, and how they interact between us. With this new understanding we know there’s more, and now things are much better.

At one point Sunday, Mrs. Ray was heard to say “I’m feeling better now,” with a smile on her face. She is at her daughters place Sunday and today, but we are planning to watch the Tivo'd first episode of Amazing Race. (Our favorite program – I was despondent at one point that I would not have anyone to watch it with!) Now she is planning to come over to 1) Watch the show, 2) Dialog and 3) Just Talk.

Stay Tuned.

That sliding feeling again

Since Valentines evening (last night), things have gone from bad to worse. Somehow I have not made, in fact I resist, any changes in my personality. When we kiss on the couch, suddenly I am after sex (nasty thing, that, eh?)

Now Mrs. Ray does not want to meet with me at either house. We will go to Retrouvaille Post No. 2 Saturday. I'm wondering if we should go in one or two cars. That would be a telling event - driving up to a marriage reconciliation workshop separately!

Mrs. Ray says she's close to a breakdown. I just don't know what to do! I'm trying to stay calm when I'm talking to her (on the phone or in person), but she still builds to a highly emotional state. I want to follow Dr. Dobson's advice in Love Must Be Tough, but how do you do that and have daily dialogs at the same time?

I pray we can get our feet back on the ground Saturday, and especially to last to Thursday when we see the counselor together, for a two hour block. Pray with us. Thanks.

Crash. Burn. Surprise!

I took my turn at the counselor. Got home, called Mrs. Ray, told her what we talked about. The counselor told me it seems everything is going great! We discussed some issues, the counselor thought I was doing OK with them, even when I said I was not following her directions exactly, but I explained why and that I felt the desired results were achieved. Prognosis: Soon we will be happily back together.

At home, I called Mrs. Ray and told her this. Mrs. Ray was expecting that the counselor get on me that I had not followed her directions. (a rubber band on my wrist to remind me about some behavior, I was supposed to snap the band when I needed a reminder. I did not want to snap the band, but the knowledge it was on my wrist served the purpose.) I had forgotten a few topics that I had promised Mrs. Ray we would discuss. [I'm skipping some details here] This makes me a liar for not bringing them up. (I forgot!) Lying is an issue Mrs. Ray has with me.

Bottom line: Mrs. Ray is about ready to throw in the towel. The counselor was a waste of time & money. I continue to lie and continue to work to control or force Mrs. Ray to do "my way". Looks like we're back to Square One.

New prognosis: our future together is either NOT, or hanging by a thread. I'm calling the counselor tomorrow to see what we can do about this.

Mrs. Ray was planning a great Valentine dinner (wonderful menu - really romantic) I am still expected for dinner (so we can talk), but I'm not sure just how romantic this will be!

Goals Dialog

Today's dialog topic was "What goals would I like to see us achieve in the next few months?" We talked it over this morning, after breakfast. (Mrs. Ray and I are both teachers, so we're enjoying a day off.) In the next few months, Mrs. Ray needs to decide for herself whether she still has a husband or not, as she is planning to move out of state this summer. So, both of us, independently, stated the next goal should be whether our marriage is strong enough, that Mrs. Ray is comfortable enough to have me back at her side.

By now, both of us have committed to working things out, but Mrs. Ray still has her hand on the escape hatch. The only advice I have for her, bottom line, is to make any decision she can absolutely live with. (I think you readers know my position on this! So does Mrs. Ray!)

= + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = + = +

I feel the big issues about getting Mrs. Ray to reconsider her marriage have reached a point it's almost a matter of time, as we share, dialog, discuss, and go to our counselor. I'm confident that our marriage is safe, though it ain't over till it's over.

I have a few more pieces to post on GlassGloves.com. That's where I write articles about "save my marriage" ideas that are worth sharing. There's also many other thoughts by the main blog host, Shohn.

One Week Later

Mrs. Ray and I have been using the Retrouvaille dialog daily. It works great for getting things out in the open.

I have not been updating this week, because many of the issues we are talking about are not for publication (this thing is not entirely anonymous!) Also, what I would write would seem like (even to me) finger pointing. That's another thing this blog is not about.

Mrs. Ray has some issues with me that need to be worked out. She also has some issues with me that actually keep her going in the process. I can't say I want to exploit those issues for the benefit of reconciliation, but, yes, I use them whenever I can. (OK, that's exploitation. I just want to try and rationalize it! :-) )

It's Official

Mrs. Ray and I went to church together today for the first time since we separated. Different church than our "regular" one. The text was taken from Luke 5:1-11 where Jesus preaches from Simon (Peter)'s boat.

When we got home, ate lunch, and Mrs. Ray was ready to do the day's Retrouvaille Dialog. "I'm choosing the question!" she said.

"But, wait, you chose the one yesterday!" I said.

"Here's the question," she ignored me. "What is one thing I got from the message today? How do I feel about my answer?"

"Well, OK, I guess." We began writing.

We exchanged notebooks. Much of what we wrote was parallel - we both had the same ideas in many places. Then in one paragraph, Mrs. Ray said the thing that struck her most was when Simon, against his better judgment, went out and dropped his net again, even though he did not expect to get much. (It was daytime, and they usually fish at night.) And he was tired (having stayed up all night). In verse 5, Peter agrees to, "if you [Jesus] say so." , Even though they're tired and it's off hours for fishing, they pull in a catch too big even for the net & need help to land the catch.

Mrs. Ray realized that God meant for her to commit to rebuilding her marriage, because "He says to", and to follow in faith. She will follow through with the Retrouvaille post sessions and work with me to solve our problems.

Now we are both going in the same direction! There is lots to do, yet. Self examination on both our parts, prayer, talking, dialog. But my goal and desire - that we stay together as husband and wife, is oh so much closer now!

Freudian Slip??

Mrs. Ray and I were having dinner at The Elephant Bar, and she started a sentence by saying

When weI move back east....

We went on to see Children of Men. Rough movie!!

Rediscovery

Retrouvaille – a French word for “rediscovery”. Mrs. Ray and I went for the weekend to a local hotel. Mrs. Ray was not really excited to go (She says she went because I insisted and pushed her to go. She did not want to make me too upset, and there should not be any harm in going, so she went.) During the whole weekend we were together nearly every second. We learned how to share some rather unpleasant feelings in a very good way. (It’s good to be comfortable with writing things down, but don’t let that stop you from going!)

Even after the weekend Mrs. Ray was really not excited about continuing with the follow-ups. However, we continued the method, called “Dialog” every night this week. We do feel better about communicating. My general recommendation for readers? If you need to find a way to better share feelings (good bad and ugly ones) with your loved one, give Retrouvaille some serious consideration!

A New Direction, Part 2

Here is another message from Mrs Ray. I think we have now surely started in a new direction. But we're not nearly out of the forest yet!

Ray, I know you are frustrated at the pace we are moving, but please know that it is my first wish that we can work things out. It is my 2^nd place choice to have to divorce. I just have to be really sure. I hope you understand.

Love, Mrs. Ray

A New Direction

In an email exchange, Mrs. Ray wrote something that is so true:

… I feel so overwhelmed with different feelings. Part of me thinks I should have just cut things off …, and began a new life. Another part of me still misses part of you, and wants nothing more than to go running back and pick up the pieces. What I really want is for us to take the respective pieces of ourselves and our broken marriage and glue them back together in a better way, using only the good parts, to make a better vessel. I just don’t know if we would be able to only choose the good parts, and I can’t stand the thought of gluing it back together badly, or in the same way as before. So much will need to change in both of us.

In the Middle of the Turn

Just some random thoughts.
Mrs. Ray did agree to go to Retrouvaille. Perfect timing - it's this weekend, and it's in town!
She is not ready to forgive me of many things, but to me it seems the time is "ripe". I think she does see change in me (but our counselor reminded her to watch out for a return to the "same ol' same ol' ") and a serious commitment to get things to work out.
Mrs. Ray has rediscovered her desire to be physically close (not meaning intimate, just close) to me. That's been my feeling for months now! I hope that will be a reason for her to continue reconciliation, slowly and carefully, as she is comfortable.
It looks like we may remain apart this week, with little communication till Friday evening. We'll see how that works.

24 Hours

19/Jan/07 2223: As Ray drifts off to sleep, he begins calling Mrs. Ray's name out loud. At the same time, Mrs. Ray is writing a long email, full of her frustration, confusion , desires and thoughts.

20/Jan/07 0120 Ray wakes up (only 4 hours of sleep), and begins thinking about Mrs. Ray and "things".

20/Jan/07 0515 Unable to sleep, Ray gets up, turns on the computer, and checks his mail. Finds a message from Mrs. Ray:

Ray,

I have lots to talk to you about when we get together on Sunday. I have been so frustrated this week; wrestling with myself, cussing you out, crying out to God, and in general trying to figure you out, and how/why/whether/if we should be together....

It seems like we take a few steps forward, only to always take steps backwards....

I can’t figure out if I really do still love you, despite the disappointments and unacceptable behavior, ....

How am I supposed to set “boundaries” with you in the realm of lying and deception, when during the same night we are discussing the boundaries book you deceive me?....

Part of me was telling myself all week long RUN RUN RUN AWAY. Get the divorce done, move [away], sever all ties and do it quick, before he hurts you more. Then another part of me would begin to feel a mix of guilty, sadness, loneliness, confused…memories of nice times we had together would flood back…and that is what is totally tearing me up....

You have told me many times, and written many pretty words to me about how much you love me. They mean nothing at this point. They don’t match up with your actions toward me, particularly in light of all of the tears, counseling, prayers, and supposed “changing and growing” that you are doing. All of the kisses, hugs, intimate moments… all of the cups of tea and coffee, all of the trips, all of the snuggles on the couch… it all seems like a sham. Please, please, tell me what I am supposed to do?

20/Jan/07 0452 Ray sends this reply:

... Please keep this in mind: as I pointed out, Yes, I did keep part of the conversation with the Realtor away from you, but later I realized myself what I had done, and took the initiative myself to fix that: I sent you that message that I had done something "wrong". My point, even in that message: I did the hard thing, the right thing, and 'fessed up to you. You did not ask - I made the move on my own to correct the error. I also asked for your help and forgiveness. I admit your "forgiveness supply" for me is rather low right now. But that is what I ask for. Forgiveness only has value when you (Mrs. Ray) see repentance in me. That is what I'm trying to show you.

Mrs. Ray, I appreciate the turmoil in your heart. I wish I could embrace you and comfort you, but I also know I am the cause of the turmoil.

20/Jan/07 0511 Ray sends another message:

Mrs. Ray,

Sunday, we do need to talk, to share thoughts on things. … Let's do this: Come on over, then we'll go to the park and go for a walk along the river. … something we can do together and enjoy each other's company - a date!! Nothing more, nothing less. Then we can get back and talk some.

20/Jan/07 0802 Mrs. Ray’s reply:

I slept until 7:30 and didn’t see your [message] …. I like the idea of a walk; I’ll plan on coming over about 2:00. We can go walk, go back to the house to talk, and then if we want, get a bite of supper.

20/Jan/07 0820 Ray leaves to visit his Dad & Son. Two hours driving there to think, and two hours driving back to think some more.

20/Jan/07 1630 Ray returns home. Dinner, Watched some of The Quiet Man.

20/Jan/07 2114 Mrs. Ray sends a “commented” version of Ray’s Reply. Ray opens his MySpace IM. A conversation ensues:

Mrs_Ray (08:43 PM 01/20/07): Hey - did you get back safely from your trip?

Ray (09:53 PM 01/20/07): I got back in the afternoon.

Ray (09:54 PM 01/20/07): Dad's doing well. My son is wonderful.

Mrs_Ray (09:55 PM 01/20/07): Good

Ray (09:55 PM 01/20/07): I read your email (your notes mixed in mine.)

Mrs_Ray (09:56 PM 01/20/07): can you understand how I feel?

Ray (09:57 PM 01/20/07): Yes. I do know it is terrible. I feel like I could come see you tonight.

Mrs_Ray (09:57 PM 01/20/07): I want you to come see me tonight. I would love to just be beside you. (and I'll try not to hit you).

Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): 30 minutes? OK?

Mrs_Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): OK

Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): Bye! Start counting....

Mrs_Ray (09:58 PM 01/20/07): 1

Mrs_Ray (09:59 PM 01/20/07): 2

Last message received at 09:59 PM on 01/20/07

20/Jan/07 2230 Ray gets to Mrs. Ray’s apartment. In conversation, both agree there’s still “something” worth working on. Both feel the need for a fresh commitment to work things out.
Note about God: As I held Mrs. Ray, I wanted to pray to God. I wanted to pray silently. But three times I started "Dear God", and my thoughts would not budge farther. It took three times to realize I should share my prayers with Mrs. Ray!! I did. I think she really appreciated what I was praying for! Now I'm glad God "made" me do that!!

Just as in the TV series, when things look like they’re over, they are only just beginning. It’s not set yet, but maybe, just maybe a new chapter is coming. Thanks for reading.

Movement?

Late last night, Mrs. Ray sent me a long email. As I mentioned in my last entry (Touching Base), I cut way back on communication with her. And this is what I get: a page and a half email with her thoughts! Mostly her frustration and turmoil about whether she should return or leave.

I have been praying that God show us the next step so we can get a move on, rather than just sit around and think about it. God does answer prayer. We meet Sunday. I will push again for Retrouvaille. I still think their communication exercises will clear out some of the garbage that's grown between us, and point us toward reconciliation.
Stay tuned!

Touching Base

My last entry was Monday. I am disappointed Mrs. Ray does not want to go to Retrouvaille. I believe the communication is what we really need - other things will follow as we learn more about each other.

Monday Mrs. Ray seemed to be, well, waiting and watching. I'm more interested in considering the possibility of reconciliation. She still speaks of "When I move...." without any potential inclusion of her husband.

Monday I decided to minimize contact with her. I shut of my MySpace IM and have not spoken with her. (She hasn't called me, either.) In an email tonight she wants to go to a movie on Saturday evening. I'm debating whether to take this weekend "off".

I am trying to contact Retrouvaille - the local person and I have been playing phone tag for two days (!!). If we do spend time together, I really want to push Retrouvaille. Yes, there are other programs, etc. But I bumped into Retro... and it looks good to me.

Finding Boundaries

Mrs. Ray came over to discuss Boundaries in Marriage. I had read it and marked several passages. Now she's reading and marking it. We shared our readings. I am open to whatever will help Mrs. Ray understand me. I say I am tearing myself apart, trying to fix myself (yes, with the counselor's help, too).

She pointed out there are still some areas I need to work on: Control, honesty and remarks. Controlling others is something I have found that I have been doing. Now I am working on stopping it. Many control methods are very subtle, and I need to identify them and get them under (ahem) control. The honesty issue might be related to control, as I try to influence others. Mrs. Ray says I often make rude and cutting remarks, even without knowing it.

Mrs. Ray is not interested in Retrouvaille. They concentrate on communication, but we have other issues. As if communication won't help work out the other issues. Go figure. She says we need to keep seeing each other, talking, and working out the issues. Yeah, we can do that, but I feel we should have more involvement with the counselor. As it is, I feel lousy about things now. This was not a good weekend.

Waiting, Waiting

Last night Mrs. Ray told me she had been to the counselor. But she still is keeping her option open to move on, rather than work on rebuilding. But I believe the counselor, “Agnes”, is also working on rebuilding, but in her way. (Mrs. Ray said Agnes is working to help Mrs. Ray work through Mrs. Ray's own issues, but I think they also talk about my issues, as far as they relate to Mrs. Ray, too!)

Mrs. Ray already wanted to straighten out the arrangement when we go to Retrouvaille. We will be in the same hotel room for two nights, probably with one bed. But no hanky panky, now!

And she brought up the classic "How is a Catholic priest going to help us with marriage issues?*" I understand from Retrouvaille's web site that the weekend retreat is very powerful in rebuilding marriages. They focus on communication. So, for now, I'm just waiting for the next two weeks to go by, until we get to the retreat.

*The Retrouvaille session leaders also include three couples who have been through a breakup and reconciliation.

Turning Point

The counselor was very happy at the latest events. She's very positive about the final outcome. We talked about my need for change, that I had figured things out almost on my own and was heading in the right direction.
The counselor loved the way we are adding our sticky notes to the book Boundaries in Marriage. We will soon compare notes on the book. Mrs. Ray is not finished with it yet, but she is reading it.
I brought up a workshop called "Retrouvaille" (Non francophones can say "retro-VAY". It started in Quebec, Canada, eh?), brought to you by the folks at Marriage Encounter, only for couples in our situation - a breaking marriage. The counselor said that was an excellent idea. There's a meeting in town at the end of the month. I think we'll be going.

Surprise Supper

Sunday, Mrs. Ray meant to get an Outlook file off her old computer to move to her new one. Forgot. I tried emailing it, but her Outlook managed to strip such files from incoming mail. (Thanks, Microsoft! 8p )
I emailed Mrs. Ray to say I could bring the file over on a thumb drive sometime. Her reply was "Would you like supper tonight?" Well, I did. Gave up my own Crockpot BBQ pork ribs. I have my priorities!
I did the computer thing & had supper. We didn't really have any particular stuff to talk about (having only 24 hours before covered some heavy ground). But the cuddling turned to some kisses. Both of us, I think wanted more, but knew when to stop.

T h i s   J u s t   I n  . . . 

As I was writing this, Mrs. Ray called me. After I left, she had a few errands to run. She got home to find a message from me on her answer machine - I left the thumb drive at her place. She called to tell me she got the message. But then, voice beginning to waver, said she almost came over to the house tonight (unannounced). "Why?" I probed.
"Because part of me misses you, and part of me wants to move on." she said with an unsteady voice.
Her feelings came out in more conversation. She understood this separation stuff was terribly hard on both of us. (I agreed.) She does have many issues about me that need to be cleared up. (I also think she is getting a better understanding of what she might be leaving behind.) I told Mrs. Ray I have come across some ideas - programs, ideas, books, etc. that might be useful, but I did want to clear them through the counselor first. She asked "When will that be?", but I kept her guessing on that. Because of the recently surfacing emotions, I suggested that neither of us make any effort to contact each other for 24 hours. I will be seeing our counselor tomorrow.
Reader, please don't think I feel victorious. First, the show ain't over. Second, I have put this whole business to God. I always ask God to give me His complete and Holy wisdom in healing a hurting marriage and hurting wife. (I admit that if I tried to work this out myself, I'd really mess things up!) There is no victory for me, rather for God's love and design of marriage. I'll post tomorrow and late the goings on. Looks like this might be an important few days. Keep your prayer lines open!

New look

I changed the blog colors to represent my overall feelings. No, not out of the woods yet at all. But, personally, the dark mourning feeling has gone. Let a little color in. A mix of some my and Mrs. Ray's favorite colors.

Who are you talking about?

Mrs. Ray came back here for Sunday supper. After dinner we moved to the couch for the usual conversation. Mrs. Ray started right out with an incident that for the life of me I can't recall, but she says happened.

We had gone to Disneyland with her son's family, including her grandson, "Mark". We had purchased the two hotel rooms for both families. "June" was to buy the D-land tickets. (Two hotel rooms come in about the same as four Mouse House tix.) Instead, Mrs. Ray had gotten a better price though the Credit Union. That's OK by me! When we all got together, June gave us cash to cover her half of the hotel and tickets. Fair & Square.

But, as we left to head home, it seems I said something to little Mark that was really meant for June: "OK, Mark, next time your mom will have to buy her own tickets."

Now why would I ever try to get this dig in?? I figure everything worked out fairly, including saving by getting the tickets through the credit union. And, after the whole fun weekend, would I want to remind anyone that the deal did not go down as I expected it to? I don't recall saying this, or even thinking the finances were off.

We did talk about other things, from how I am working to make personality changes permanent, to sex (talking - we didn't do anything!) to my road rage (I say "ain't happening", Mrs. Ray says "Alla time!" - I'm playing along for now). By the end, though, we did sit together on the couch cuddling for a while. Mrs. Ray did say she appreciated that I'm working on these things. That made the whole evening worthwhile - holding my wife close.

"I'm leaving. No. There's a possibility. No. Let's be friends. No. But this doesn't mean..."

Mrs. Ray has returned from her trip. She came over for dinner Friday night. We had Slow Cooker Chili. Then we handled some business, and moved to the couch to chat. We sat there. Looked at each other & smiled. (I resolved to wait for Mrs. Ray to start.) I forgot what she said, but we began by talking about how we now relate to each other. Snippets of Mrs. Ray: "We will both grow from this." "I have not ruled out anything" "I have not decided on when (but I plan to) or if (but I plan to) I will file the divorce (default) papers."
Talk about mixed signals!! Ever hopeful, I'm now optimistic, compared with last night. But, my Schrodinger's Cat is clearly in State #2 ("I don't know yet"). In other words, the box is still closed!
I gave her a book I had read, Boundaries in Marriage. I had marked pages that had ideas that I felt were important with little sticky-notes. I tactfully said this exercise was good for me. That I was guilty of many boundary points in the book. I asked her to read it & mark her important ideas. Then we would compare notes.
The conversation wound down till Mrs. Ray actually said, "I don't have anything else to say." (That's a wonder! :) ) So, with nothing else to talk about, I put my arm over Mrs. Ray's shoulder, and we just kinda cuddled for about 10 minutes (who's counting?).
Then a few more pieces of business, like raiding the pantry again, and Mrs. Ray actually decided something - to go home.
[Protest Quotient: Plus 1]

Shuttle from the Airport

OK, Mrs. Ray's back. She had asked me to pick her up at the airport. Seems the last leg of her trip was delayed SIX (6) HOURS (as in more than five hours!). The actual flight? 1 hour 40 minutes. Thank you Airport Snow.

The first thing she told me was she bought new luggage on this trip, so I could keep the whole set of luggage we had shared for the last five years. The she talked about her grandson, and the house back east. Some other stuff about her family. You know, it seems to me she was having the kind of conversation you'd have with a good friend who came to the airport to pick you up. But to me, I was still expecting my wife!! Later she asked me why I was so quiet and moody. (didn't have supper with her, even though she was buying).

Correct or incorrect, I actually went to the airport hoping to pick up someone that resembled my wife. Only, the person who came to the baggage area was just some friend I was helping out. This is not the first time she's acted with what might be a "friend" attitude, but to me it was soooo strange, because it was the person I still see as my WIFE talking and acting like someone else. She didn't get it, yet I'm torn up inside. This is a real heart breaker.

As for the Cat (see Free Fall #3), nothing has been determined.

I guess this is almost coherent, but it just tears me up. Mrs. Ray seems to already be settled in the unmarried mode, and she treats her ex as some friend. This is something I cannot do if we reach the final breaking point. I am still working and praying that Mrs. Ray and I will find common ground and rebuild our marriage. But, should she depart from her promises of six years ago, I cannot abide ever dealing with her again. For my own mind, and heart, I will need to completely "clean her out of my heart". This is not fun. I do not want to do it to someone as precious to me as my wife.

I hope I can maintain an even keel for the next few days, till we see the condition of the cat.

Pre - "Mrs. Ray Returns" Update

I spent about an hour with Pastor Jim today. I don't need to go to Jim for support - the Holy Spirit and prayer already do that. Jim is a great sounding board, an honest spiritual guide and a good friend to both Mrs. Ray and me.

The upshot of the talk is that I have already been through the Valley of the Shadow (grief). Mrs. Ray has already left the building. The "bad" result has already happened. I believe my life's Great Work is the only thing that will get Mrs. Ray to reconsider. ("Great Work" of course is actually 100% God through the Holy Spirit. I could never pull something like this off myself - you'd understand if you knew Mrs. Ray!)

Pastor Jim also pointed out that several concerned church friends have observed that I look & act a lot better in the last few weeks. Yes, the worst case scenario has happened - Mrs. Ray has left. Now my job is to literally woo Mrs. Ray back to her marriage.

Tomorrow we'll see the condition of Mrs. Ray's "Shrodinger's Cat".

Free Fall #3

It's Tuesday. Mrs. Ray will be returning Thursday afternoon. Yes, I'm praying about her trip, what she's worked through back east, what we'll be doing Thursday night - talking or what. I expect to just take her to her apartment, unload her stuff, and politely leave. (Part of the let-them-go strategy.)
I have been on pins and needles emotionally. I'm supposed to be cleaning the computer room (five years of accumulation - four days cleaning my computer position till you can finally see the wood!!). But even that is hard to do when I start thinking about when Mrs. Ray returns. I don't expect to get much sleep Wednesday night. But I've waited for over 50 Christmases, as many birthdays, countless test results and calls after interviews. But this is my marriage!!!!
I need to keep in mind the story Shrodinger's Cat (click the link to get the details). I have three possible results:

1. "I've decided	A: we really are done"
	B: Lets get serious and work out our problems"
or
2. "I'm not sure yet, but I could file the final divorce papers next week."

The story of the Cat indicates that, since I have no clue as to the final result, all three answers exist at the same time, until Mrs. Ray tells me what's up!