Free Fall #2

The more I think about Mrs. Ray's and my situation while she's out of town, the better I feel about reconciliation.

I pray a lot, read some information on the Internet ("Fount of all knowledge" isn't it? Just how much of that knowledge is, you know, valid?), pray some more, do every-day things. Being a teacher has its advantages - all this time off!

I could just keep this feeling to myself but I'm posting a record of it. Otherwise, how would I (and you, dear reader) know if my hunch, or Word from God (seriously), will be true in the future? Whatever the outcome when Mrs. Ray returns, if I said "I knew that!" at that time, how would anyone else know that I knew? For a better explanation of this, read this scene (the poison wine) from Princess Bride.

Free Fall #1

Mrs. Ray's visiting her son, daughter in law and grandson out of state for a week and a half. She's out of her normal neighborhood. She has a whole new set of relatives to bounce things off of. I expect very little communication between now and her return. (She asked me to pick her up at the airport.)

At the moment, I feel this "retreat" away from here might be a good thing. I'm feeling confident. (We'll just wait and see, right?) That doesn't mean I stop praying & educating myself. I think I bought half the "Marriage in Crisis" titles at Focus on the Family. Our counselor is off till the new year.

That's why I'm calling this entry "Free Fall", not from falling anywhere or failure, but we're just not making much new progress, and nothing much to "grab a-hold of". I just wanted to record my feelings about the future here, and then we'll watch the outcome in a few weeks.

A link worth following

In an idle blog search, I ran across Glass Gloves, written by a man who did manage to save his marriage when it was at the "there was nothing I could do or say to change her mind about the big D word" stage.

Merry Christmas

A friend from church invited me over for his family Christmas feast/get together. Though I really didn't need to do something special for Christmas day, it was great to be among friends on this day of family doings.

Even though my family (Mrs. Ray) is not here, I do celebrate the Greatest Gift of All: God's love (John 3:16) through His Son, Jesus. God is the source of all love which we as His children can share and reflect to others.

Dinner chez Ray

We had planned a Christmas eve together. I cooked pot roast. We talked a while. Mrs. Ray reminded me that talking and sex does not really mean there’s reconciliation in our joint future. I reminded her that I suggested that we do nothing about getting together until after her trip to the Midwest. I also told her I truly didn’t know what to think after our two wild trysts in the sack.

I think she did appreciate some of the things I said. I tried to break her of the assumption that I have these little narrow concepts (like I follow strictly the Southern Baptist doctrine). That is not the case!! But it’s hard to explain to her, much less my dear readers.

As we parted, she did ask me if I could possibly get her at the airport when she comes back. Duhhh!

My patience is wearing thin, though. God in His Time can take the time, and it is truly necessary. But this puny human writer here is getting worn ragged by the waiting. More and more often I have fantasies of what I’ll do when I realize Mrs. Ray is truly gone. This is not my desire, of course, but it will just be devastating. My thoughts turn evil at this time, but I have clung to God’s mercy and love to keep from “going there”.

Tomorrow Mrs. Ray travels to the Midwest. My prayers are that the change of location & people will help her work things out. I will be intensely praying that the relatives there will help her see more clearly what she will be walking out of.

(I don’t think Mrs. Ray's son back east, not to speak of her uncles back there, will be so forceful – more of the “Well, you need to do what’s right by yourself, you know….” instead of the “You go girl! You can do it!” variety. I think her daughter, who has “survived” and prospered exactly this kind of separation & divorce has been a huge influence on Mrs. Ray.)

I have a theory that the more Mrs. Ray brings up the fact that she hasn't decided to get back together, the better the chances are that she will. She brought up the "ain't necessarily so" herself tonight. Also, there's no reason for me to protest anything at all, as that will just help to justify her own decision.

Not Budging

Mrs. Ray came over tonight, “to play with the animals” - two dogs & three cats. We went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. She told me she liked the faster pace in speaking with the counselor when it’s one-on-one. She said the counselor told her to lay off the intimacy. We both agreed that would be a good thing.

I have been officially served with divorce papers. The clock starts ticking to 30 days, then Mrs. Ray is able to begin the proceedings. In talking with her, I think she may wait 60 days to see if there’s any hope. Sheesh!

I pointed out how I am learning to not be so caring (smothering). I told her that when we went grocery shopping Monday (See Dec. 18 “Starting on the Long Road” entry) I made an effort to not be so helpful. I could have spouted off on many things as she shopped for her own stuff, but I did not. (She admitted that I did seem rather quiet at the time.) I began with these “baby steps” to pull back from controlling things. I think she did appreciate what I am doing in changing my self.

I had debated whether to bring up the next subject, as it is the most hurtful (to me) piece of information I have shared with Mrs. Ray. (The “Betrayal” of December 14) But I told her how painful it was to open up this subject when I originally shared it with her. That did not affect her. Still, I had originally hidden (not told her) some information that I should have been forthcoming with early on in our relationship. Regardless of how I felt in sharing my most embarrassing thing, which I had asked for forgiveness from God and repented of, Mrs. Ray still finds it necessary to use this information against me, to the point I believe she will be sharing this with her relatives in Arkansas. I was certainly like I described once (I don’t deny living with the other woman), but that is not how I am now, or in the last 15 years. Essentially, Mrs. Ray said, “tough, you hid important information from me.”

Well, that discussion ended (with no satisfaction on my part). After a bit, Mrs. Ray took her leave, with plans for Christmas Eve (two days away) still depending on her daughter’s schedule.

Something's Missing

Somewhere in the middle of the night, I got up to use the bathroom. When I got back in bed, I was really conscious that the other half of the bed was empty. I cried and began praying for our marriage.

Mid Week. Kinda waiting.

Tuesday, Mrs. Ray ended up with tickets to a concert by a reasonably well known Christian Group . “How many tickets?” you ask. “Two,” I state flatly. “OK, who went with Mrs. Ray?” you continue. I riposte, “Three guesses, the first two don’t count”. It was a great Christmas show, with some of the group's top standards and new singles thrown in.

Glad we went. Back at my house, Mrs. Ray sat down on the couch to straighten something out. She pointed out that in the sex department (see previous blog posting), we have no problems. But we will not go down that road and muddy the waters as we both try to think clearly about our relationship.

I had been very explicit in telling Mrs. Ray she had complete control over what & how far we went in intimacy, so I have no argument with this decision. Though we both enjoy these activities, it does not make a good foundation for a solid marriage.

This is Wednesday night. Mrs. Ray had agreed to go to our/my counselor to help get to the bottom of my issues. As the appointment time arrived, I went into a deep prayer with God. I made a point to begin a real, deep prayer session during the counseling time. This is mostly symbolic, as God does not need to work in our time zone. I thanked God that He has surrounded me with caring friends, both at work and in church. I thanked God that He did originally put Mrs. Ray & me together. (We had lived 125 miles apart, and had no reason whatsoever to meet, except for the internet dating service we both used.) I prayed for both the counselor and Mrs. Ray to gain God’s wisdom. I again prayed directly for healing in our marriage. I pray for both Mrs. Ray and I, that we both are able to see each other as worthy spouses.

I have specifically decided that I will not make any references to the counseling session, or ask Mrs. Ray about it. If she volunteers,, OK, but it comes down to none of my business, in a way.

Starting on the Long Road

Since Friday night, Glaciers have moved. Trees have added millimeters to their height. Mrs. Ray and I have grown closer (again!).

Saturday was just another day. Sunday Mrs. Ray and I went to see Casino Royale. Bond reborn. Nice to see James without the Roger Moore tongue in cheek. Pierce was nice, but Daniel Craig is Bond.

Monday, I took it upon myself to take over some cottage cheese & pineapple we had agreed to split. (Costco portions are really too big for one!) Had dinner, shopped at the grocery. Went to Mrs. Ray’s apartment. Looks like it may be a regular thing to end up on the couch smooching. I’m not complaining, but I do want to play fair with Mrs. Ray’s decision making. But, if she’s willing, I’ll employ such Dark Arts as I have at my disposal, if you know what I mean!

Mrs. Ray admits she does look forward to being together with me. I think it’s partly that at the moment we do not see “marriage bonds” tying us together. This releases some of the pressure of the situation. This is good news, though I never want to force her hand to drop the idea of leaving me. (She still claims the right to complete the divorce proceedings and leave.) That is something she needs to do on her own.

I discuss with Mrs. Ray my tendency to be helpful, offer advice, and try to get things done the “correct” (i.e., my) way. I realize I have been smothering Mrs. Ray with care & concern and advice. This is not good. I want to change that. Maybe this is one of the factors that caused Mrs. Ray to bolt. She's a big girl now, and maybe doesn't need this kind of help. I want to work on this. Becoming conscious of a problem is a major step in finding a solution. That’s what I’m looking for.

Mrs. Ray sent me an email Saturday night. I call it a confessional. There are many thoughts in there, almost random, that help me understand her pain and frustration. I’m glad she sent it:

I couldn't go to sleep until after 1:00 in the morning last [Friday] night, because of thinking and praying. My mind was going 100 miles an hour. I am at the same time to scared and also "cautiously optimistic". I do think there is a chance we can work things out, but I know there is also a chance we will not, and I really fear hurting each other even more than has happened already. I don't want to hurt you, but I also know I have been very unhappy and I don't want to just put myself back into the same spot.

The message goes on for about a page, unloading lots of fears and hopes. This is the kind of thing that helps me understand Mrs. Ray, and tells me what I must do to help get our marriage back together. In some ways I am back to the Squirrel in the Park (not moving), but again I need to be very careful in taking proactive action to do some repair work. This is still my life’s Great Work. There is much I need to be conscious of, as I carefully, gingerly, bring Mrs. Ray back to our marriage. No, I am not manipulating anyone. Manipulation works to a point, but when the mark’s eyes are opened, it’s seen as a double cross. I need Mrs. Ray to return to her husband with a clear conscience and by her own well thought out choice. That’s the way to make things permanent.

I suggested that we have a little mutual prayer whenever we are together. Mrs. Ray agreed. I believe this will firstly invite God into our relationship, and secondly allow us to hear the other’s hopes and prayers. I want to continue these prayers, well, for the rest of our lives. Mrs. Ray agreed. I think she likes it, too.

Last Night at Panda Express

Nearly forgot this:
After our discussion, we went out for a bite of dinner. Check out my "Fortune":

Turning Point

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Yesterday, Mrs. Ray called & left a message on the answer machine:

“Hi, just me. No, I haven’t locked myself out of the house. I’m not having a crisis. I did want to talk to you, though. I have something I want to pose to you. So either later tonight or maybe tomorrow evening sometime, give me a call. I’ll talk to you then. G’bye.”

I began thinking she wanted some kind of arrangement where Mrs. Ray would try to have her cake and eat it too. I expected I’d have to be tough, and remind her she’s moving out to be on her own again. I waited till tonight to call back.

She wanted to meet tonight, “your place or mine”. I said I couldn’t tonight, how about tomorrow (Saturday) for breakfast at a restaurant.

She countered, “I want to get your advice on selling my car. And we need to talk a bit about the divorce paperwork. I think we should be alone to discuss these things.”

“Well, I’m going out with some friends to see a movie.” I replied. (Going to a show – true. With friends – false)

“Well, OK, but I need to be somewhere tomorrow at 10 o’clock,” Which would have given us a limited time to talk.

"Well, that's OK. I'll see you tomorrow morning. Good bye." I turned to prayer. Not to decide whether tonight or tomorrow, but in preparation for talking with Mrs. Ray. However, I did get the distinct conviction that I should talk with Mrs. Ray tonight. I called her back, and said I’ll change my plans & be over in a little while.

In a little while, I knocked on her apartment door. She invited me in, and went to the couch to sit down. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir was singing Christmas music in the background. I sat on the other end of the couch. (One of the few sittable objects in her apartment so far.)

We talked about the car. We talked about the divorce paperwork. The Choir continued to sing.

Then Mrs. Ray said something like this (not really a quote, but a decent reconstruction thereof): “I was thinking about our situation. If there’s too much water under the bridge, I’ll understand. But I’d like to know if you might consider working together on our issues, and see if we can get this marriage back together again.”

The Mormon Tabernacle Choir music filled in the silence. I looked down. I looked Mrs. Ray in the eyes. I looked down. Tears began slowly making their way down my cheeks. The choir sang on. Again, I looked up at Mrs. Ray. All I could say was, “I hear angels singing.”

“Mrs. Ray, I have not ever given up on our marriage. I am so happy to hear this from you. There will never be enough water under the bridge to make me give up on our marriage. Yes, we do have issues; some will be very hard to work out. But I have dedicated myself and my life recently to making our marriage to continue.”

Mrs. Ray was relieved at my answer. After a bit more talk, she asked if we could hug. We clung tightly to each other on the couch. The Choir sang a bit more, and then the CD ran out of music. Our music kept on. We began kissing. It got more intense. I whispered softly, “Do you know what you’re doing?”

After a moment, Mrs. Ray looked at me with a smile, and with a silly look shook her head.

Fade to black

We both agreed to continue with the counselor. We do need professional help in some areas, but Mrs. Ray and I both have set off on the course I have prayed so intently and exhaustively for. Over the next few months we will work out the harder issues with God’s and the counselor’s help.

I will continue this blog as we reach a meeting point for our relationship. Keep praying.

Some Reflection.

Dear Mrs. Ray,

After lots of reflection, maybe I was too overbearing in many ways. Not in a directly controlling way, but in making sure things got done in a certain way, for example, and in covering you with too much love and care. This is hard to explain, but something I was doing smothered you until you felt trapped in this marriage. Not ever did I want to treat you this way, but it was a reaction between our personalities that resulted in these feelings. I know you had spent years living independently. I know you have no problem stepping out again, alone, this way.

What can I, and we, do to fix this? I think the main thing is to identify the problem. For months I have been tearing myself apart trying to find the fault in me. Today maybe I came to a conclusion that heads us in the right direction.

Love,

Your Husband, Ray

Betrayal

I have never in my life felt so angry, betrayed and screwed. I threw a plastic coat hanger across the room. It smashed against the wall. I yelled "shit!" and "fuck!" many times. For me and my mellowness, this is nearly the same as punching a hole through a wall and throwing the mattress out the door. (I just never really get mad, I thought.)

I had found an email sent only 4 days ago that Mrs. Ray had sent to several friends, announcing our impending divorce. No, that's not what set me off. It was this sentence: "Without going into the gory details [the usual cliché set-up] I had found out some things after I married Ray that would have changed my mind had I known about them prior....

Here's the "gory details": There was a period in my life I am embarrassed to talk about. When I ended my first marriage (I did the divorce – this is not news) I emotionally ended it, but took nearly a year to get the paperwork started. In the meantime, (gory details ahead) I hooked up with a single mother. So, in a sense I was committing adultery. I even lived with her for maybe 6 months. We were an item for about 18 months total. There’s more details I told Mrs. Ray, but you get the idea.

Now, Mrs. Ray knew there was a period of my life I did not want to talk about. Not long after this lady and I broke up, I became embarrassed that I actually lived this way. It is embarrassing now. (I’m placing it in the blog since this is anonymous.) I did not want to tell Mrs. Ray more details, but to encourage honesty, I did fill these in. Now this all happened 20 years ago. I have changed my life quite a bit since then, including becoming more active in church and increasing my church worship and support, including a rededication and re-baptism. But now that period has become a huge lie I have covered up, and Mrs. Ray wants to take me to the mat with it.

When I discovered this piece of her rationalization, I felt betrayed like I never had before. This was the most sensitive thing I have kept in me. I thought I could open up to my wife, to encourage her to know I am being honest. From the beginning, I did not hide it for treachery, I hid if for embarrassment. And 20 years’ of water under the bridge, a lifestyle change (back to church), and living with a wife I am utterly devoted to, never wanting to wander. I am betrayed.

I don’t know how I’ll be able to talk to Mrs. Ray right now. I am so angry she is using this against me now. Yes, I still love Mrs. Ray. Yes, I am working to get Mrs. Ray back as my wife. Yes, I will speak with her again, Yes, I still dream of Mr. and Mrs. Ray enjoying each other and the life God has granted us.

An Emergency

Around 11 o'clock Wednesday night, Mrs. Ray called. She was locked out of her apartment. Late at night, there's no management to get her in. She called to see if she could stay with me. (Knowing there's only one bed in the house now.)

She came over, stopping at Wal-mart on the way to get a fresh shirt for the next day. She came in, dropped her things on the table, and started crying. I have never heard her cry this way before. I guided her to the couch, hugged her tightly while she let it out.

After calming down a bit, Mrs. Ray said, "My whole world is spinning out of control! I have problems with my new computer, I have locked myself out of my car, and now my apartment, I need to meet service people and take a day off work. I was only able to see my daughter for a few hours last Saturday. I can't contact anyone at church [I think because I go there.] In my pride, I wanted to go to a hotel, but it wasn't worth $50 for five hours' sleep, so I called you. And I am leaving you because of trust issues, your vindictiveness, [and some things I can't remember.] But you're the only one who's been nice to me!"

After a little more conversation, I invited her to come to bed. This time we were both in our underpants, though other go-to-bed activities were as if we were still married. (bathroom, state of undress, etc.) I offered, and Mrs. Ray accepted, a back & leg massage to help her relax. We went to bed. We hugged a bit, and then went to sleep. In the morning, my alarm went off. I moved over to Mrs. Ray to spoon some. I saw her body move & adjust so we could "get a good fit." And I’m the man she’s leaving.

I reminded her that we had promised each other that if there was an emergency, to call. I had no problem at any hour to give her a hand. Even if she had called to ask me to come over to her apartment to move something so late, I would be there for her.

We got up. Mrs. Ray took a shower, and there was no issue when I brought her coffee while she was still behind the clear glass shower doors.

I made a point (to myself) to leave very early, so she was in the house alone, to lock it up before leaving.

A Dog's Night Out

Mrs. Ray wanted to get Christmas pictures of Santa with our dogs. She had asked me to bring them to the mall tonight for photos. Before I left, she called to say there was a delay because 1) The computer store needed her battery charger (a 20 mile round trip) and 2) she accidentally locked herself out of her car. Had to call & wait for AAA.

After all this was taken care of, she called me again, and we met at the mall. Santa looked cute with two dogs in his lap! Mrs. Ray hadn’t eaten, so we went to a local restaurant to nibble on an appetizer together. Conversation was friendly. Mrs. Ray talked about her internet setup problems (Cable company: “It’s your computer!” Computer store: “It’s your internet provider!” This finger pointing has been going on since the beginning of the Personal Computer Age!) Also, her frustration of being locked out of her own car.

Then she looked at me and asked, “How are you doing?” with real concern over how I am handling living alone. Playing cards close to the vest, I said, “I’m OK. And you?”, which got the same plain-vanilla reply.

After a pleasant light dinner, I followed advice I had been given, and suddenly called it a night – had to go home & work up a lesson for tomorrow. The advice is that I end any visit on my terms and my time, instead of waiting for Mrs. Ray to “let me go”.

Mrs. Ray was surprised at the rush, but accepted my excuse.

Starting the Next Chapter - moved out now.

Ahh, Sundays. Sunday School/Bible study and church in the morning, then home to watch Mrs. Ray move some stuff out.

In Sunday School we are looking at to he beatitudes, and today it’s “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (again, coincidence???) The “Comforted” here is actually a Greek word used for the Holy Spirit. God sends His Holy Spirit to be next to you and help out. I really feel that, these days. And the friends you have in church are totally different form friends any where else. I have no problem talking to my church friends about my feelings, and they have no problem getting down and praying with me.

Meanwhile, back at the homestead, Mrs. Ray is picking up a few things, then will come back later to watch the final episode of Amazing Race with me. We watch together on the couch. After the show, I bring out a housewarming gift for my moving-out spouse: a toaster oven. She’s been looking for one to make her breakfast in the morning. She thanks me. I mention that I think a lot of her (I meant to say I think highly of her, but she took it as I’m missing her - true enough but not what I was trying to say.)

She then told me she thinks of me, too, but I need to realize it won’t be in the old (as in married) way any more. We’re friends, see? I let that slide by.

Some thoughts on Why I’m Doing This

OK, this weekend I helped my wife move out. I spend Friday evening and almost all day Saturday getting her situated. I will be doing more things in the next week or two to help her. Get some tools for her own tool kit, set up the TV and computer system, maybe even help get pictures on the wall.

“Nutcase!” sez you. “If you are so dead set against the divorce, to the point you told her you won’t lift a finger to help her move, or give her a nickel in financial support, WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING GETTING HER MOVED OUT?!?!?!?”

Yes, I am 2000% against this divorce. But In California, it’s just a matter of paperwork (and $320) to legally dissolve a marriage. I said before that if I fought this thing at all, it would only strain what relationship we now have to the breaking point. Since I am working and praying my butt off (so to speak) to salvage this marriage, I need to continue in Mrs. Ray’s good graces, eh? My deadline for this operation is June, when school ends, and Mrs. Ray expects to move to another state (and away from me). I have to keep rapprochement channels open and working as much as I can.

Under God, I see no reason for the breakup. Yes, Mrs. Ray and I have issues. But I really see our marriage at several levels: 1. God’s second gift to Man and Woman: lifetime companionship. 2. God is love. What better way for God to allow us enjoy love than to share it with your life-mate? 3. Marriage is a picture of Christ’s relationship with His church. Marriage is good, holy and, to me at least, sacred. It should not be entered into lightly. In fact, six years ago when Mrs. Ray and I were realizing that marriage was where we were headed, I told her to be “damn sure” about our relationship. I’m still damn sure!

Home Alone

So she’s gone. Moved out, to her new apartment. I moved most of the stuff myself. Took Friday evening (previous blog entry) and most of Saturday. Mrs. Ray has started on her independent life now, similar to the several years living alone before we were married.

I have spoken with two friends and told them how much I helped. They couldn’t believe it. Although every cell of my body does not want to participate in a divorce, I feel this was the best route with Mrs. Ray. If I did refuse to help, that would only build a barrier between us. Then communication would be sparse and strained. I have only six months to accomplish marriage repair, as Mrs. Ray is planning to move out of state in the spring.

Her desire is that we should remain “friends”. (My personal reply: “Uh huh. But what about the last six years?”) If I have any hope at all in rebuilding this marriage (and I have to do all the work right now) I must be on regular friendly contact with Mrs. Ray. No, not on a daily, or even a weekly basis, but I need to be welcomed whenever we do manage to contact each other.

Mrs. Ray was surprised at how much time and work I spent in moving her stuff. She was truly grateful. When she left “our” house for the last time tonight, she asked if I would give her a hug. (From her to me, that’s such a silly question!!) Nice hug. I appreciate all the Mrs.Ray-hugs I can get these days!

In prayer over the last few days, I have been focusing on our marriage as God’s second Gift to Man (after giving us life.) It is also a picture of the relationship of Jesus to His Church of believers. Marriage is a very sacred concept for me. I feel I stand on solid ground to ask God to aid me in getting Mrs. Ray by my side again. I am not of the “Husband is Head of Household – the Bible says women should be silent” school. My desire is to share the life and world God has given us for our enjoyment. I seek God’s guidance in getting what I feel could be a great marriage back together.

True Mrs. Ray and I do have issues, but I have called this pursuit of my marriage my life’s Great Work. A very direct piece of wisdom I believe God has laid on my heart is “Be Pure To Your Wife” The way I heard it in my heart makes this actually easy to follow. And it’s so short and direct it won’t be hard to forget. For me, no eye shall stray. No loneliness will find comfort in the arms of another. No thoughts of the companionship of others will be dwelt upon. No further corny stilted language, OK?

As I write this, my faith and hope are strong. This is amazing. I really do look forward to a good future. (Note from the Grain Of Salt dept.: The future hasn’t happened yet.)

One more night

Friday, with all the moving and packing, Mrs. Ray realized that she would not get the truck loaded, moved to the apartment, unloaded and the bed set up in time. I broached the subject that she could sleep in "our" bed, and spend Saturday moving into the apartment. I think she had already come to that conclusion herself. She said yes.

We finished loading the truck. I took a shower. Mrs. Ray came into the room. She did her usual getting-ready-for-bed things, then got into bed. With the man she was leaving. We rolled together and hugged for a few minutes. (wonderful feeling I will miss!!)

She started out saying that she still cares for me. I said I certainly care for her, too. Mrs. Ray continued, if there was any emergency, that I shouldn't be afraid to call her, if she could help out in any way. Her desire is to maintain contact and friendship.

(My feeling is that Mrs. Ray still has true feelings for me. There's just some issues that have forced her to move away.) I asked her to help me in working things out for myself - to be frank and directly honest with me as I tried to clear things up. She agreed to do that.

Parting ways. Well, in a way...

It’s Thursday night. Tomorrow Mrs. Ray will begin the move to her new apartment. It’s our last night to stay in the same house together after over six years. I asked Mrs. Ray to sit with me on the couch and chat for a bit. The day was done, so we moved to the living room for a talk.

I opened with “Thank you”. (Answered with a smile.) I mentioned how the intense self examination I had been going through has helped me to better understand myself. I (again) apologized for one of the Final Incidents, leaving her in the parking lot of a drug store. (No – her car was in the lot, but I was going to take her for dinner. Beyond this note, don’t wreck the current story.) We chatted of good times, of bad times.

She began talking about how in the last few years things began building up inside her. She tried to deal with them, but then the issues just got too large and out of hand. Mrs. Ray mentioned the sex issue here. I told her I was devastated when I found out her true feelings. I told her I never ever wanted to take advantage of her.

I promised Mrs. Ray that I would not go about "painting" her in a bad light. She was still shocked that I did return to the church that I said I did not want to go to.

I explained how I came around from NOT WANTING TO HELP IN MY OWN DIVORCE to helping her move out, and even promising to help her with the rent. We both agreed that we still needed to be on good terms, even after Mrs. Ray makes her planned move out of state.

We spoke softly of some other things, and overall I think the time was very valuable to both of us. We ended with a hug and a kiss or two.

I had prayed intensely just before this time, asking God to fill me with His spirit, and not allow me to say anything that would mess things up (again). God did answer this prayer! My desire has not changed. I pray that Mrs. Ray would see me worthy as her husband under God’s grace and love. I am not giving up on this. I am in constant prayer, and keep other prayer partners updated. I cannot see that we should break a marriage that both of us agreed at one time was definitely of God.

We both are at peace now. (I, as much as I can be, since my wife is moving out!) I will have another prayer time in a few minutes when I go to bed. I love Mrs. Ray still. I wish we could continue together as Husband and Wife.

Why would I be excited?

We had problems with some key-chain garage door openers. Mrs. Ray could not easily open & drive into the garage. I upgraded to two better transmitters. I called her to ask her to call me when she got near the house so I could open the garage. Later we planned to meet at a store before she got home, so I brought her a new opener.

When she got home, she drove into the garage and parked. Later she said something like "I know you are excited that I can park in the garage again, but there's now too much stuff in there to get into & out of the car easily. Tomorrow I'll just park outside."

I said I didn't feel particularly excited about her parking in the garage. She pointed out that I made the special effort to get her the new opener before she got home. I said, "OK", but hat it wasn't really exciting.

Near bed time, I "had" to ask her how I seemed to be excited when I didn't feel that way. She came to her bedroom door. I asked why she felt I was excited about the controllers. She rattled off 1) the phone call about getting the controls and 2) that I brought the control out to her, so I certainly was excited that she could park in the garage again. Mrs. Ray did not want me to be disappointed that she was not going to be parking inside the garage tomorrow. I denied the excitement and told her that where she parked was not my concern.

But she insisted that I was excited. (At this time I began trying what I felt were some of her discussion tactics) I asked her not to project things so strongly and not to jump to conclusions so easily. She said, but I was excited because I made the phone call and took the control out to her.

I pointed out once more that she had already told me those things, and they do not need repeating. I was not excited a bit about finishing a job like that. This made her mad. She said "I'm done" and closed her bedroom door. Good night.

I felt uncomfortable in this exchange. Yes, I wanted to turn the tables and try her own tactics on Mrs. Ray. She has sometimes told me not to repeat the obvious. When I asked her to stop that same thing, she got mad. Now I know. I have asked her to stop jumping to conclusions, as they are more often than not incorrect - most recently on the Big Fight Night.

These last few days I have still felt strongly that there is definitely hope in the future. I also know this is a real high-wire act - no net. I cannot do it on my own. I need God's help, as whatever I do on my own still messes things up. My prayer life has grown exponentially. My prayers have definitely changed, though the goal is still the same.

Out of Tune Communication

Tonight we talked with a Realtor to put our house on the market. Mrs. Ray will be moving out this weekend, and I'll stay here to keep the Home Fires burning or something.

Afterward we went to dinner together, where I offered to split Mrs. Ray's apartment rent as well as split the house payment. (Before, I did not want to help Mrs. Ray with her moving out expenses.) Later at home, she asked me for more details. I began to explain.

Somewhere in the process, Mrs. Ray got the idea I was trying to wrangle her to pay me more money. She became vary angry. I tried to point out that was certainly not the case. I told her that I was being very honest and open here, and did not want to hurt her in any way (including financially). As I tried to explain my idea, I began with the background to it. But she kept telling me to get to the point. Mrs. Ray became angry - and she nearly walked out - that I just would not get to the point. Later I admitted to her that I was afraid that if I just blurted out my proposal (to average her rents with the free months' rent she would get) she would think I was ripping her off. Again, wrongola.

Then she did tell me she would have understood "I will pay half of your rent, too," or words to that effect. I apologized to her for the long winded explanation. This miscommunication by way of different ways to view the same concept has been getting both of us into arguments for a long time. This is one of the things I really wish we could iron out. Even if we weren't married, the problems we have in this respect do not help matters.

Conversations

Tonight I sat with Mrs. Ray on the couch. I wanted to bring up the Big Night when I told her to "Shut Up!" and pushed her back into her chair when she tried to get up to leave. (The proverbial straw on the camel's back episode.)

I pointed out that I had never ever done anything like that before (true), and she knows I never did that to her in the entire time we've known each other. I just needed to get it off my chest how bad I felt. (No, it would not make "things" better now.) Mrs. Ray did accept my apology. We talked about many things. How I've been acting this way (controlling, manipulative, road raging, etc.) for many years. I told her I had always taken those comments (as she pointed out my faults) to heart and searched within to find the root of the problem. I don't know....

Another example from tonight: Mrs.Ray's looking to buy a laptop to use as her main computer. She is now using a desk model I built (matches the one I use now!). I suggested she keep that one till maybe February, and delay the expense of buying a new computer for a few months. No! She wants to get a new laptop now and not have to mess with moving the desktop machine. I told her it was not that I disagreed with getting a new computer, but just to get by a time of high expenses. I gave up trying to persuade her to wait. She considers my persuasive effort to be a controlling tactic.

The talk was rather cathartic for me, and for Mrs. Ray I suppose. She could not get over that on Sunday when she came back home from her daughter's that I was going to cooperate, then two days later I said I could not "help out" in my own divorce. This did not help my trust quotient with her. I still feel that way, but I did say I would pay half the paralegal's expenses after all.

I think this talk helped lighten the tension between us. In my heart, I still do not want to give up. Especially after today in church and with the Bible study group, I want to continue my Life's Great Work. I love Mrs. Ray now, and desire to make myself appealing in her eye again. God grant His perfect mercy for both of us to reconcile the marriage He gave us.

A Life's Great Work

Yesterday I got the Nolo book, How to Do Your Own Divorce in California. An excellent resource to whether do your own work, or at least know better how it all works. The books is very complete and matter of fact. Yes, in California, all you need to do is pay $320, file the papers, and about 6 months later it's official. True, I had better know what's going on, and be informed on some decisions. I read much of it this morning in bed, and cried.

Today after church I attended a small group that meets for lunch and Bible study at a local restaurant. All the people there have known Mrs. Ray since high school, and me for the several years we have lived in town. They knew some of what was going on, and I announced Mrs. Ray was moving to her own place next weekend. In prayer (along with other prayer things), there was no dry eye. They are all stunned, and sorry for the situation. Mrs. Ray told me that I'd "be the one they all feel sorry for". That's not the case. They feel sorry for both of us, as the breakup is a tragedy.

Since this morning (in prayer) I came to see a mission of sorts: our marriage will be my Life's Great Work. Mrs. Ray, as I write this, is set on a course to walk out of this marriage. She has her reasons, which she feels are valid, though Pastor Jim (after talking with her) feels the biggest problem is "Annoyance".

Many people are praying for our relationship. I am doing my absolute level best to follow God's leading in all I do and say around Mrs. Ray. This is a long, L-O-N-G row to hoe. Frankly, I don't see a good end. But todays sermon was on HOPE. Coincidence??????

As we interact, Mrs. Ray now seems to distance herself whenever it is possible. I have offered to help her move Friday and Saturday. That's OK, but when her daughter comes over Saturday afternoon, I should try to make myself scarce. I offered to look at her daughters brakes, and even do the brake job, but that's too presumptuous of me. I am sooo helpful when I can use my skills for the benefit of others. It pains me when I am turned down for things like this.

• My prayer now is to keep on keeping on.
• What I want for Christmas? My wife.
• Will my Life's Great Work be successful? If I knew, I wouldn't be writing this blog.
• Do I have faith that God can work this out? My faith is weak right now, it goes up and down.
• Do I have Hope? That is all I have, and it wavers, also.

Whiplash

This afternoon we went to see the movie déjà vu. Pretty good actioner. I felt good with Mrs. Ray the whole time. We stopped for a bit of Mexican dinner, and when home to begin carving up December's bills. (Since we are splitting, there's a few "daily living" type items we need to pay each other for. After this we're each on our own for these.)
Suddenly Mrs. Ray's and my communication begins to break down. We talk about individual bills, and I set up a spreadsheet with everything laid out - who pays who for what bill. But Mrs. Ray is upset because she thought all the bills were settled except for the big charge card we always use. I have an MBA, and have dealt with charts & spreadsheets for years. But Mrs. Ray still wants to do one account at a time. (OK, there's a communication problem here, but I'm doing my best to represent Mrs. Ray's idea.) Now, she's irritated/frustrated, and I am too (from the opposite side of the same problem!) So much for a peaceful evening.
I still pray that God would inform my thoughts and actions with Mrs. Ray.
[Update: Mrs. Ray manually added up everything and it all worked out. Whew!]

A prayer

This is my prayer. Being an anonymous blog, I am not embarrassed to open my innermost thoughts here. I only post it here that you may pray with me, if you choose to.

Dear God, my prayer is that you heal our marriage. Heal me that my wife may find me acceptable. Heal my wife that any hurts I have caused can be forgiven. Heal our marriage that the beautiful thing you have granted us in your sight might glorify your Name. That we together may share the world you have given Man. That we may share our lives and bodies as you designed marriage to be.

Please guide my thoughts and actions that I will be able to reach out to Mrs. Ray, and that she might realize what it is she is walking away from. I have no remedy of my own that will work. I depend on you, oh God, for I have nothing that will work here. Only Your Wisdom and Love will work here.

God, I realize your time is not of our understanding. But my heart is broken now, and the pain is great. Please carry me forward, as I am completely exhausted in my emotions. I also consider “quitting”, but I desire to continue as long as any tiny shred of hope remains. Please allow me to touch Mrs. Ray’s heart again, that we might come together and worship your Holy Name once more.

Reaching My Summit

Last night I was out till about 8:30 getting more work done on my tattoo. (Follow that in my MySpace blog.) Came home, Mrs. Ray was dinking on her computer, looking for a Laptop to buy. We chatted, everything seemed to be OK. Just like she wants.

I watched a show on Discovery called "Everest: Beyond the Limit". One climber, still a few days' climb form the top, "hit a wall". His dream since he was 8 years old had been to climb Mt. Everest. He was so close to realizing his dream, yet he knew he could not take another step. He turned back. In this show we see him coming to grips with the end of a dream. Was it failure? He called that turning point his personal summit. Had he continued, he certainly would have died. (The summit of Everest is called "The Death Zone" for a reason.) Now he will live with the mixed result of failing (?) his dream, but more importantly recognizing his true limits. There is satisfaction in knowing when to turn back.

This morning I went to have breakfast & talk with our pastor. "Jim" (not his real name, or is it?) has known Mrs. Ray for years. He knew about her past marriage and its breakup. He is an excellent sounding board for me - listening, offering ideas, providing Biblical wisdom, but not offering advice.

We talked about my emotional exhaustion (to the point my prayers are simply repeating "help me God" over and over. I wondered about the support I read in James 1:2 that life's troubles are how God prepares you for receiving God's wisdom. Whew!! We talked about, in exhaustion I might just give up. We talked about how I felt that Marriage is God's second gift to Man (after He gave us life, he gave us companionship.) That Marriage is a picture of Jesus' relationship with His Church. Jim pointed out that God told Hosea to marry a prostitute. (No, Mrs. Ray is no prostitute. But Hosea's wife left him, and he went to look for (and found) her again.)

I am afraid for the future. No way do I want to give up on Mrs. Ray. But, like the Everest climber, for practical reasons reaching my own personal summit might just be a matter of survival.