Since Friday night, Glaciers have moved. Trees have added millimeters to their height. Mrs. Ray and I have grown closer (again!).
Saturday was just another day. Sunday Mrs. Ray and I went to see Casino Royale
Monday, I took it upon myself to take over some cottage cheese & pineapple we had agreed to split. (Costco portions are really too big for one!) Had dinner, shopped at the grocery. Went to Mrs. Ray’s apartment. Looks like it may be a regular thing to end up on the couch smooching. I’m not complaining, but I do want to play fair with Mrs. Ray’s decision making. But, if she’s willing, I’ll employ such Dark Arts as I have at my disposal, if you know what I mean!
Mrs. Ray admits she does look forward to being together with me. I think it’s partly that at the moment we do not see “marriage bonds” tying us together. This releases some of the pressure of the situation. This is good news, though I never want to force her hand to drop the idea of leaving me. (She still claims the right to complete the divorce proceedings and leave.) That is something she needs to do on her own.
I discuss with Mrs. Ray my tendency to be helpful, offer advice, and try to get things done the “correct” (i.e., my) way. I realize I have been smothering Mrs. Ray with care & concern and advice. This is not good. I want to change that. Maybe this is one of the factors that caused Mrs. Ray to bolt. She's a big girl now, and maybe doesn't need this kind of help. I want to work on this. Becoming conscious of a problem is a major step in finding a solution. That’s what I’m looking for.
Mrs. Ray sent me an email Saturday night. I call it a confessional. There are many thoughts in there, almost random, that help me understand her pain and frustration. I’m glad she sent it:
I couldn't go to sleep until after 1:00 in the morning last [Friday] night, because of thinking and praying. My mind was going 100 miles an hour. I am at the same time to scared and also "cautiously optimistic". I do think there is a chance we can work things out, but I know there is also a chance we will not, and I really fear hurting each other even more than has happened already. I don't want to hurt you, but I also know I have been very unhappy and I don't want to just put myself back into the same spot.
The message goes on for about a page, unloading lots of fears and hopes. This is the kind of thing that helps me understand Mrs. Ray, and tells me what I must do to help get our marriage back together. In some ways I am back to the Squirrel in the Park (not moving), but again I need to be very careful in taking proactive action to do some repair work. This is still my life’s Great Work. There is much I need to be conscious of, as I carefully, gingerly, bring Mrs. Ray back to our marriage. No, I am not manipulating anyone. Manipulation works to a point, but when the mark’s eyes are opened, it’s seen as a double cross. I need Mrs. Ray to return to her husband with a clear conscience and by her own well thought out choice. That’s the way to make things permanent.
I suggested that we have a little mutual prayer whenever we are together. Mrs. Ray agreed. I believe this will firstly invite God into our relationship, and secondly allow us to hear the other’s hopes and prayers. I want to continue these prayers, well, for the rest of our lives. Mrs. Ray agreed. I think she likes it, too.
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