Betrayal

I have never in my life felt so angry, betrayed and screwed. I threw a plastic coat hanger across the room. It smashed against the wall. I yelled "shit!" and "fuck!" many times. For me and my mellowness, this is nearly the same as punching a hole through a wall and throwing the mattress out the door. (I just never really get mad, I thought.)

I had found an email sent only 4 days ago that Mrs. Ray had sent to several friends, announcing our impending divorce. No, that's not what set me off. It was this sentence: "Without going into the gory details [the usual cliché set-up] I had found out some things after I married Ray that would have changed my mind had I known about them prior....

Here's the "gory details": There was a period in my life I am embarrassed to talk about. When I ended my first marriage (I did the divorce – this is not news) I emotionally ended it, but took nearly a year to get the paperwork started. In the meantime, (gory details ahead) I hooked up with a single mother. So, in a sense I was committing adultery. I even lived with her for maybe 6 months. We were an item for about 18 months total. There’s more details I told Mrs. Ray, but you get the idea.

Now, Mrs. Ray knew there was a period of my life I did not want to talk about. Not long after this lady and I broke up, I became embarrassed that I actually lived this way. It is embarrassing now. (I’m placing it in the blog since this is anonymous.) I did not want to tell Mrs. Ray more details, but to encourage honesty, I did fill these in. Now this all happened 20 years ago. I have changed my life quite a bit since then, including becoming more active in church and increasing my church worship and support, including a rededication and re-baptism. But now that period has become a huge lie I have covered up, and Mrs. Ray wants to take me to the mat with it.

When I discovered this piece of her rationalization, I felt betrayed like I never had before. This was the most sensitive thing I have kept in me. I thought I could open up to my wife, to encourage her to know I am being honest. From the beginning, I did not hide it for treachery, I hid if for embarrassment. And 20 years’ of water under the bridge, a lifestyle change (back to church), and living with a wife I am utterly devoted to, never wanting to wander. I am betrayed.

I don’t know how I’ll be able to talk to Mrs. Ray right now. I am so angry she is using this against me now. Yes, I still love Mrs. Ray. Yes, I am working to get Mrs. Ray back as my wife. Yes, I will speak with her again, Yes, I still dream of Mr. and Mrs. Ray enjoying each other and the life God has granted us.