Conversations

Tonight I sat with Mrs. Ray on the couch. I wanted to bring up the Big Night when I told her to "Shut Up!" and pushed her back into her chair when she tried to get up to leave. (The proverbial straw on the camel's back episode.)

I pointed out that I had never ever done anything like that before (true), and she knows I never did that to her in the entire time we've known each other. I just needed to get it off my chest how bad I felt. (No, it would not make "things" better now.) Mrs. Ray did accept my apology. We talked about many things. How I've been acting this way (controlling, manipulative, road raging, etc.) for many years. I told her I had always taken those comments (as she pointed out my faults) to heart and searched within to find the root of the problem. I don't know....

Another example from tonight: Mrs.Ray's looking to buy a laptop to use as her main computer. She is now using a desk model I built (matches the one I use now!). I suggested she keep that one till maybe February, and delay the expense of buying a new computer for a few months. No! She wants to get a new laptop now and not have to mess with moving the desktop machine. I told her it was not that I disagreed with getting a new computer, but just to get by a time of high expenses. I gave up trying to persuade her to wait. She considers my persuasive effort to be a controlling tactic.

The talk was rather cathartic for me, and for Mrs. Ray I suppose. She could not get over that on Sunday when she came back home from her daughter's that I was going to cooperate, then two days later I said I could not "help out" in my own divorce. This did not help my trust quotient with her. I still feel that way, but I did say I would pay half the paralegal's expenses after all.

I think this talk helped lighten the tension between us. In my heart, I still do not want to give up. Especially after today in church and with the Bible study group, I want to continue my Life's Great Work. I love Mrs. Ray now, and desire to make myself appealing in her eye again. God grant His perfect mercy for both of us to reconcile the marriage He gave us.